From The Archives: Michael Vale, Star of 100 Dunkin’ Donuts Commercials

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

“Time to make the coffin!”

Michael Vale, who for 15 years played Fred the Baker in over 100 Dunkin Donuts commercials, was found dead in his apartment with his eyes glazed, body twisted, and stomach swollen with a rich, tangy lemon filling.

Vale was forced to retire in 1997 when skeptical fans questioned whether someone could actually work that long at a donut shop without getting killed by a crack dealer.

Police officers were such a huge fan of Vale, they used to pull him over on the highway just to get an autograph, and if they were lucky, get a taste of his delicious donut hole.

When he was once asked by Entertainment Weekly if he had ever actually made donuts, Vale reportedly crouched down, strained his face and quipped: “I’m making one now, eraygh!” He was never asked for an interview again.

The deceased requested his body be dunked halfway into a giant vat of Sanka and then dropped from a freeway overpass onto somebody’s windshield as a joke.

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One Response to From The Archives: Michael Vale, Star of 100 Dunkin’ Donuts Commercials

  1. gabfrab says:

    Beautiful stuff. I wonder how long until his body goes stale and is sold with the day old bread, or tossed in the trash and picked apart but the dumpster divers.

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