Author Archives: Jim Earl

Rudy R. Perz, Creator of The Pillsbury Doughboy

Advertising whiz Rudy R. Perz, creator of the iconic Pillsbury Doughboy, pinched his final loaf this week after failing frantically to pop a fresh breadstick. Upon hearing the news, Liz Nordlie, President of Pillsbury, released a statement saying, “We paid … Continue reading

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Darrell Winfield, Marlboro Man and Full-Flavored Smoke

Darrell Winfield, one of the most recognizable Marlboro Men, primarily because he was the only one who lived long enough to get recognized, is dead after a prolonged illness that probably started 50 years ago. Although he lived to the … Continue reading

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Melvin Gordon, CEO Of Tootsie Roll

Melvin Gordon, chief executive of Tootsie Roll Industries, is dead after more than half a century spent desperately trying to pass a sticky, brown log that refused to melt even during the hot summer months. Shocked family members say they … Continue reading

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Future Obit – Camille Cosby: Lead Accountant at Cosby Enterprises Inc.

Camille Cosby, one of the few select females ever allowed to naturally fall asleep around her husband, is dead after collapsing face-down in a bowl of pudding and drowning in a sea of JELL-O™ lies. When reached for comment, her … Continue reading

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Future Obit – Dick Cheney: Avid Hunter, Fitness Freak, Monster

Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney, the only human capable of using another person’s heart without caring who it previously belonged to, has finally died after years of being dead. The former Philip Morris spokesmodel, who only recently called the Senate report … Continue reading

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S. Truett Cathy, Founder of Chick-fil-A

S. Truett Cathy, the Southern entrepreneur who in one lifetime transformed a small, hometown business into a global symbol of homophobia and cancerous lab rats, is now undergoing death conversion therapy. Chick-fil-A announced Cathy’s demise but refused to disclose the … Continue reading

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Don Levine, Creator of G.I. Joe

Don Levine, the Hasbro toy executive credited with doing more to distort America’s concept of war than Bob Crane’s errant penis, is now being outflanked by an army of ants. Levine’s body was found “four klicks out” in his older sister’s bedroom, … Continue reading

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