Author Archives: Jim Earl

S. Truett Cathy, Founder of Chick-fil-A

S. Truett Cathy, the Southern entrepreneur who in one lifetime transformed a small, hometown business into a global symbol of homophobia and cancerous lab rats, is now undergoing death conversion therapy. Chick-fil-A announced Cathy’s demise but refused to disclose the … Continue reading

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Don Levine, Creator of G.I. Joe

Don Levine, the Hasbro toy executive credited with doing more to distort America’s concept of war than Bob Crane’s errant penis, is now being outflanked by an army of ants. Levine’s body was found “four klicks out” in his older sister’s bedroom, … Continue reading

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Cal Worthington, Circus Performer

“It’s Cal Worthington and his burial spot!” Cal Worthington, the legendary Ford dealer who once boasted he’d “eat a bug” if you bought a car, is now getting eaten by bugs after buying the farm. Born in 1920, Worthington grew … Continue reading

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Robert Ettinger, Cryonics Pioneer

Robert Ettinger, the cryonics pioneer who advocated freezing the dead with the hope that medical technology would someday enable them to pay taxes again, is dead at the age of 92 after attempting to defrost an erection he had back … Continue reading

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John Galardi, Founder of Der Wienerschnitzel

John Galardi, beloved founder of the hotdog chain Der Wienerschnitzel, is now Der ceased. Doctors say Galardi died from an incurable form of Der Pancreatic Cancer, but they can’t be sure until after the Krautopsy. It was way back at … Continue reading

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David P. Reynolds, Metal Head Headed Metal Company

David Reynolds, the metal manufacturing executive who gave America aluminum foil, has finally wrapped up his life in a lead-lined coffin. The 96 year-old was found suffocated inside a used Quaker Oats box after his son forgot to poke enough … Continue reading

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Huell Howser: He Went Avocado Picking With A Dog!

Huell Howser, the iconically jovial star of public television’s, “California’s Gold,” is now ironically under six feet of “California’s Dirt.” When he first learned he had cancer, the folksy travel guide reportedly shoved a microphone in his doctor’s face and … Continue reading

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