Author Archives: Jim Earl

Don Levine, Creator of G.I. Joe

Don Levine, the Hasbro toy executive credited with doing more to distort America’s concept of war than Bob Crane’s errant penis, is now being outflanked by an army of ants. Levine’s body was found “four klicks out” in his older sister’s bedroom, … Continue reading

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Cal Worthington, Circus Performer

“It’s Cal Worthington and his burial spot!” Cal Worthington, the legendary Ford dealer who once boasted he’d “eat a bug” if you bought a car, is now getting eaten by bugs after buying the farm. Born in 1920, Worthington grew … Continue reading

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Robert Ettinger, Cryonics Pioneer

Robert Ettinger, the cryonics pioneer who advocated freezing the dead with the hope that medical technology would someday enable them to pay taxes again, is dead at the age of 92 after attempting to defrost an erection he had back … Continue reading

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John Galardi, Founder of Der Wienerschnitzel

John Galardi, beloved founder of the hotdog chain Der Wienerschnitzel, is now Der ceased. Doctors say Galardi died from an incurable form of Der Pancreatic Cancer, but they can’t be sure until after the Krautopsy. It was way back at … Continue reading

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David P. Reynolds, Metal Head Headed Metal Company

David Reynolds, the metal manufacturing executive who gave America aluminum foil, has finally wrapped up his life in a lead-lined coffin. The 96 year-old was found suffocated inside a used Quaker Oats box after his son forgot to poke enough … Continue reading

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Huell Howser: He Went Avocado Picking With A Dog!

Huell Howser, the iconically jovial star of public television’s, “California’s Gold,” is now ironically under six feet of “California’s Dirt.” When he first learned he had cancer, the folksy travel guide reportedly shoved a microphone in his doctor’s face and … Continue reading

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General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, Oil Man

H. Norman Schwarzkopf, the general who became famous for restoring pride to Americans by reminding them what it was like to crush a nation armed with shitty weapons and even shittier troops, is dead of heart failure after a chunk … Continue reading

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Sam Porcello, Inventor of Oreo Cream Filling

Sam Porcello, chief scientist at Nabisco and the inventor of Oreo cream filling, is now being eaten by millions of diabetic ants. Porcello’s body was found face down in a vat of milk, his Nutter covered with Butter and Doo … Continue reading

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Eugene Polley, Inventor of The Wireless TV Remote Control

Eugene Polley, inventor of the wireless television remote control, is no longer in control of anything. Polley died in Downers Grove, Ill of natural causes, if such a thing was ever possible in Downers Grove. Small and frail, the elderly … Continue reading

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Danny Evins, Founder of the Cracker Barrel Restaurant Chain

Danny Evins, founder of the Cracker Barrel restaurant, is now offering up his lowest priced meal to hungry travelers, this time in a pine box. Evins named the Cracker Barrel after the practice of customers in Tennessee who gathered at … Continue reading

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