Author Archives: Jim Earl

Future Obit – Camille Cosby: Lead Accountant at Cosby Enterprises Inc.

Camille Cosby, one of the few select females ever allowed to naturally fall asleep around her husband, is dead after collapsing face-down in a bowl of pudding and drowning in a sea of JELL-O™ lies. When reached for comment, her … Continue reading

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Future Obit – Dick Cheney: Avid Hunter, Fitness Freak, Monster

Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney, the only human capable of using another person’s heart without caring who it previously belonged to, has finally died after years of being dead. The former Philip Morris spokesmodel, who only recently called the Senate report … Continue reading

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S. Truett Cathy, Founder of Chick-fil-A

S. Truett Cathy, the Southern entrepreneur who in one lifetime transformed a small, hometown business into a global symbol of homophobia and cancerous lab rats, is now undergoing death conversion therapy. Chick-fil-A announced Cathy’s demise but refused to disclose the … Continue reading

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Don Levine, Creator of G.I. Joe

Don Levine, the Hasbro toy executive credited with doing more to distort America’s concept of war than Bob Crane’s errant penis, is now being outflanked by an army of ants. Levine’s body was found “four klicks out” in his older sister’s bedroom, … Continue reading

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Cal Worthington, Circus Performer

“It’s Cal Worthington and his burial spot!” Cal Worthington, the legendary Ford dealer who once boasted he’d “eat a bug” if you bought a car, is now getting eaten by bugs after buying the farm. Born in 1920, Worthington grew … Continue reading

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Robert Ettinger, Cryonics Pioneer

Robert Ettinger, the cryonics pioneer who advocated freezing the dead with the hope that medical technology would someday enable them to pay taxes again, is dead at the age of 92 after attempting to defrost an erection he had back … Continue reading

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John Galardi, Founder of Der Wienerschnitzel

John Galardi, beloved founder of the hotdog chain Der Wienerschnitzel, is now Der ceased. Doctors say Galardi died from an incurable form of Der Pancreatic Cancer, but they can’t be sure until after the Krautopsy. It was way back at … Continue reading

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