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Category Archives: Uncategorized
John Galardi, Founder of Der Wienerschnitzel
John Galardi, beloved founder of the hotdog chain Der Wienerschnitzel, is now Der ceased. Doctors say Galardi died from an incurable form of Der Pancreatic Cancer, but they can’t be sure until after the Krautopsy. It was way back at … Continue reading
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Tagged California, Der Wienerschnitzel, Hot dog, insect parts, John Galardi, Pancreatic cancer, Wienerschnitzel
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David P. Reynolds, Metal Head Headed Metal Company
David Reynolds, the metal manufacturing executive who gave America aluminum foil, has finally wrapped up his life in a lead-lined coffin. The 96 year-old was found suffocated inside a used Quaker Oats box after his son forgot to poke enough … Continue reading
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Aluminium foil, Alzheimer's disease, Business, David Reynolds, Health, Materials, Reynolds, United States
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Huell Howser: He Went Avocado Picking With A Dog!
Huell Howser, the iconically jovial star of public television’s, “California’s Gold,” is now ironically under six feet of “California’s Dirt.” When he first learned he had cancer, the folksy travel guide reportedly shoved a microphone in his doctor’s face and … Continue reading
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Tagged aqueduct, california aqueducts, California's Gold, cancer, Huell Howser, mri machine
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General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, Oil Man
H. Norman Schwarzkopf, the general who became famous for restoring pride to Americans by reminding them what it was like to crush a nation armed with shitty weapons and even shittier troops, is dead of heart failure after a chunk … Continue reading
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Tagged Florida, George H. W. Bush, Highway of Death, Jello, Kuwait, Norman Schwarzkopf, United States
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Sam Porcello, Inventor of Oreo Cream Filling
Sam Porcello, chief scientist at Nabisco and the inventor of Oreo cream filling, is now being eaten by millions of diabetic ants. Porcello’s body was found face down in a vat of milk, his Nutter covered with Butter and Doo … Continue reading
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Tagged cream filling, Doo Dads, Elvis Presley, Nabisco, Nutter Butters, Oreo, Poland, Sam Porcello, SnackWells
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Eugene Polley, Inventor of The Wireless TV Remote Control
Eugene Polley, inventor of the wireless television remote control, is no longer in control of anything. Polley died in Downers Grove, Ill of natural causes, if such a thing was ever possible in Downers Grove. Small and frail, the elderly … Continue reading
Buy the book! Mourning Remembrance
Buy Mourning Remembrance, the book, here! Cover art by Tony Millionaire! Copiously illustrated by Nathan Smith! Introduction by Marc Maron! Afterword by Rachel Maddow!
Kim Jong-il: Liz Taylor Fan, Billionaire Job-Creator
Korean leader Kim Jong-il, who for 17 agonizing years revealed to the world the true nature behind most foreign film buffs, is now wearing a brown jumpsuit of dirt. Jong-il reportedly died of a heart attack on a train while … Continue reading
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Tagged Adolf Hitler, bouffant, Fard Farkle, Generalissimo, Joseph Stalin, Kim Jong-il, North Korea
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Karl Slover, One of the Last Munchkins
Karl Slover, one of the last surviving munchkins from the film The Wizard of Oz, is now a friend of Dorothy’s undertaker. Slover reportedly succumbed to a heart attack after he tripped on a bottle cap and fell into a … Continue reading
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Tagged Judy Garland, Karl Slover, Mickey Rooney, Munchkin, Wizard of Oz
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