Month: November 2010

From The Archives: Anna Nicole Smith, Estate Advisor

/ Jim Earl / 2 Comments

Kicker Her Bucket February 8, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith, former Playboy centerfold, actress and retirement complex for 90 year-old penises, died last week at the Seminole Hard Rock Cafe Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida –a place where you’d never really expect such a thing to happen.

Cause of death was not immediately known, but authorities speculate Smith may have stopped breathing after tripping headfirst into her portable mayonnaise fountain.

Paramedics say when they rolled Smith over, they found two day-laborers tragically smothered while trying to enter the country illegally beneath her breast flaps.

After repeatedly failing to restore her heartbeat, doctors declared Smith brain dead at 2:49 p.m., 1983.

The famous blonde was just 39 –hundred pounds.

In the hours before she died, friends say Smith appeared incoherent and wasted. In other words, completely normal.

Police say Smith’s hotel suite was filled with prescription drugs, all of them administered with butter.

The drugs included Xanax, Vicodin , Methadone and a combination of the three she liked to call, “Xanaxo-Dinadone.”

When he learned of the death, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband revealed he might be the father of Smith’s daughter. He also hinted DNA tests might be in order for Mister Haney and Arnold the Pig. Yeah I know it’s the wrong Gabor sister. Get off my back.

Smith requested her remains be buried next to a very rich corpse.

Ronald Howes, Inventor of the Easy-Bake Oven

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Drawing by Grey Alexander


Stuck On The Back Burner Feb 20, 2010

Ronald Howes, inventor of Kenner’s Easy-Bake oven, finally burst an artery last week after waiting three aggravating months for a 30-watt bulb to cook his brownie.

Friends say the toy oven inventor lived a long, productive life before dying at 83… degrees.

Howes first got the idea for his invention in 1963 after realizing that any nation dumb enough to swallow the lone gunman theory would be more than willing to let their children be swindled by a cheap plastic box with a lightbulb in it.

According to his son, one of Howes’ first jobs at Kenner Toys was to remove potentially poisonous chemicals from cans of Play-Doh and inject them into the sad, withered teats of Milky The Marvelous Milking Cow.

Over the years Howes invented many toys, including Kenner’s Easy-Tan, in which kids could create their own tans simply by mixing water with packets of John Boehner’s skin flakes.

Howes also helped perfect the Spirograph. A toy that used a set of precision plastic gears, rings and triangles to geometrically depict the downward spiral of Spiro Agnew’s career.

In 2008 almost 1 million Easy-Bake Ovens had to be recalled for safety reasons. Apparently children were suffering serious cuts and scratches when they tried to force the family cat into the broiler.

Howes requested his body be inserted into the side of the local crematorium, pushed out a slot at the other end, and consumed by a generation of kids vainly seeking to fill the bottomless void of a loveless childhood. Happy Thanksgiving!

James Griffin, Co-Founder of the Band Bread

/ Jim Earl / 3 Comments

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


Baby I’m-A Dead

This week the music world received word that James Griffin, founding member of the soft-rock group Bread, is toast.
In a statement released today to hopeful fans, Griffin’s manager said there was no truth to the rumor he’s risen. But I guess that news is pretty stale by now.

Never one to loaf, Griffin helped form Bread in 1968. And after they released the hits “Make It With You” and “Baby I’m-a Want You,” Bread was on a roll. Any way you sliced it, Bread was hot. And Bread made a lot of dough.

Griffin had been in good health until last week when doctors labeled his condition as “crummy”. When loved-ones discovered his body, witnesses say the former lead singer of Bread was crusty and completely riddled with fungus. Nothing could be saved, not even the heels.

Griffin requested his body be interned at the family cemetery, sandwiched between two graves.

From The Archives: Bob Kane, Not Bob Crane

/ Jim Earl / 1 Comment


Kicked the Bucket November 3, 1998

Bob Kane, the man who invented Batman and ruined Adam West’s career, died at the age of 83 after witnesses reported seeing a strange green and yellow gas rise from beneath his covers.

Doctors knew the end was near when Kane ran out of his “special anti-death bat spray.”

When Kane first drew Batman in 1939, the crime-fighter lacked the inher-ent powers of Superman, and had to rely instead on his strength, agility, and legions of gay followers.

Batman’s alter ego was Bruce Wayne, a rich man who vowed vengeance on criminals because, as a boy, he watched a robber gun down his parents while they were dressing up as bats.

Even though he received stacks of fan mail every day, Kane still puzzled as to why so many of them asked about Colonel Klink.

He is survived by his wife, one daughter, and millions of emotionally stunted baby-boomers who grew up thinking the Batman TV series was for real.

From The Archives: General William Westmoreland, Vietnam War General

/ Jim Earl / 1 Comment

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


Permanently Awol July 18, 2005

William Westmoreland, the controversial general who commanded this country’s military during the Vietnam War, is dead at the age of 91. In other words, he finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel.

Soft-spoken, yet strong-willed, the highly disciplined Westmoreland represented the ideal image of an American military leader. Unfortunately that American military leader was George Custer.

Born to upper class parents in South Carolina, Westmoreland was able to take the lessons learned from his state’s pointlessly tragic losses during the Civil War, and completely ignore them during the Vietnam War.

According to one biographer, Westmoreland loved ice cream and liked to drink 2 gin and tonics every night. A habit that not only explains him seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, but throwing up in one as well.

The deceased requested his body be cremated and his ashes dropped into a humiliating quagmire.

Jim Heselden, Owner of The Segway Company

/ Jim Earl / 2 Comments

The incident, as drawn by the ultra-talented Grey Alexander.

 

Jim Heselden, owner of the Segway Company, is no longer owner of the Segway Company. Little did he know when he bought the company last December, that he’d be buying the farm last month.

Witnesses say Heselden was riding one of his scooters when it apparently scooted him over a 50-foot cliff into a river of scooter death.

Police found his body near the wrecked machine where paramedics pronounced him “hilarious”.

According to the investigation, officials said his multiple injuries were “consistent with that of an idiot’s.”

A generous man, Heselden is credited with donating over 1,000 Segways to disabled veterans who are now trying to donate them to the Taliban.

In case you’ve never driven one, you lean forward to go forward, lean back to go backward, and lean left to lurch suddenly down a 50 foot cliff into a ravine.

The scooter was the subject of a massive recall in 2006, due to a software glitch that could cause the unit to kill millionaires.

And back in 2003, the Segway image took a hit when George W. Bush fell off one while negotiating a particularly difficult footbridge over Barbara Bush’s cavernous vagina.

His death highlights five safety precautions riders should take when using a Segway:

Number One: Don’t buy one.

Number Two: If you do buy one, don’t buy one.

Number Three: Okay, so you bought one. Now put it in storage.

Number Four: Always wear brightly colored clothing so police can easily find your mangled body at the bottom of a 50 foot ravine.

Number Five: If you wake up in the middle of the night to find one hovering over your bed, do not make eye contact. Remember, as Judy Garland well documented in her experiences filming The Wizard of Oz, the little Segways are incorrigible pranksters who have insatiable sexual appetites. Try to distract its attention with cigars and alcohol. Then back away slowly while they pass out.

Family members can console themselves with the thought that right now, Heselden’s up in Heaven, jammin’ with somebody who also got killed by some funny invention. Yeah, I didn’t do a lot of research on that last joke.

Heselden requested his body be strapped to a Segway and stuck in a cornfield to scare away crows.

Morrie Yohai, Inventor of the Cheez Doodle

/ Jim Earl / 1 Comment

Morrie Yohai, inventor of the Cheez Doodle, is now Cheez Deadle.

Doctors say his heart gave out after hours of straining through a particularly difficult doodle. By the time paramedics found his body it was already caked with a delicious yellow powder, and puffed to a delightful crunchy consistency.
Plus, he had cancer.

While Yohai took pride in his invention, his family says he was more interested in pursuing Jewish mysticism. As we all know, according to the Zohar, study of the Torah can only proceed along these three methods:

Peshat: Directly interpreting meaning.
Remez: Interpreting meaning through allegories.
Derash: Interpreting meaning by boiling it in vats, extruding it under high pressure through a narrow hole, and coating it with fake cheese.

Plus, he had cancer.

Yohai requested his body be ground up with the body of the guy who invented Cheez Whiz and used as a sexual lubricant for turtles.