Drawing by Grey Alexander

Stuck On The Back Burner Feb 20, 2010

Ronald Howes, inventor of Kenner’s Easy-Bake oven, finally burst an artery last week after waiting three aggravating months for a 30-watt bulb to cook his brownie.

Friends say the toy oven inventor lived a long, productive life before dying at 83… degrees.

Howes first got the idea for his invention in 1963 after realizing that any nation dumb enough to swallow the lone gunman theory would be more than willing to let their children be swindled by a cheap plastic box with a lightbulb in it.

According to his son, one of Howes’ first jobs at Kenner Toys was to remove potentially poisonous chemicals from cans of Play-Doh and inject them into the sad, withered teats of Milky The Marvelous Milking Cow.

Over the years Howes invented many toys, including Kenner’s Easy-Tan, in which kids could create their own tans simply by mixing water with packets of John Boehner’s skin flakes.

Howes also helped perfect the Spirograph. A toy that used a set of precision plastic gears, rings and triangles to geometrically depict the downward spiral of Spiro Agnew’s career.

In 2008 almost 1 million Easy-Bake Ovens had to be recalled for safety reasons. Apparently children were suffering serious cuts and scratches when they tried to force the family cat into the broiler.

Howes requested his body be inserted into the side of the local crematorium, pushed out a slot at the other end, and consumed by a generation of kids vainly seeking to fill the bottomless void of a loveless childhood. Happy Thanksgiving!