Donald J. Tyson, Chicken Choker

Donald J. Tyson, visionary leader of Tyson Foods and instigator of the worst chicken holocaust since Kevin Smith’s last barbeque, is now on his way to processing.

The man who made eating chicken almost as safe as living under Chernobyl’s concrete containment dome, was found dead in his home, his legs grotesquely pulled apart and looped over his freakishly large breast muscles as if someone had made a cruel wish.

The health department discovered his body buried beneath half a foot of fecal waste which apparently was scheduled to be cleaned out every 18 months.

As a young boy working on his father’s chicken ranch, Tyson knew there was something about poultry that he liked. But it wasn’t until he enrolled at the University of Arkansas that he truly embraced his love for cock.

Tyson later recalled he could never get enough cock. Though he was partial to white cock, Tyson soon grew to crave black cock as well. And the bigger the cock the better, he said.

In 1952, he married Twilla Womochil, which coincidentally is the sound a chicken makes when you crush its skull with a steel-toed boot.

Under his leadership, the company’s revenue increased from $51 million to more than $10 billion. And that’s more money than Jesus ever made with his stable of chickens.

In 2001 the company was charged with using illegal immigrants to work in its chicken processing plants. In his defense, Tyson claimed he was just using them for “nugget filler”.

Biographers note Tyson was often compared to fellow Arkansan Sam Walton, primarily because both were huge assholes.

Tyson requested bored employees stomp, kick, and slam his remains against a wall, but not before hanging him by his feet, cutting off his nose and mockingly playing baseball with his head.

Milton Levine, Inventor of The Ant Farm

Milton Levine, inventor of the classic Ant Farm that gave millions of children a sneak peak into the underground lives of insects, is now giving millions of ants a sneak peak into his gallbladder.

Levine died after falling asleep underneath a giant magnifying glass he was building for the time when giant mutant ants will most certainly attack us from outer space.

When family members rushed to his side, they were shocked to find Levine’s wallet and Rolex had been stolen by dreaded Crack Ants.

Local entomologists say Levine’s death rattle measured 7.1 on the Schmidt Sting Pain Index.

Levine became fascinated by ants in his childhood, and pledged to someday honor the magnificent creatures’ 22,000 species and 130 million years of earthly existence by trapping them inside a plastic box with a miniature windmill.

His first Ant Farms in the 1950’s featured a green plastic frame with a whimsical farm scene, including a traveling salesman ant that would end up sleeping with the farmer’s daughter ant.

Levine subsequent inventions in the 1960s never quite hit it off as big. Like the Spahn Ant Ranch, where hippie ants would vie for the affection of a mesmerizing bearded ant with connections to Dennis Wilson.

The deceased requested his remains be filled with special semi-transparent gel to provide moisture, nutrition, and egg-laying structures, and then interned in Antietam National Cemetery.