Horace Hagedorn, beloved founder of Miracle-Gro plant food, became his own compost last week when he died at the age of 89.
A source close to the family said Hagedorn passed mysteriously in the middle of the night, surrounded by millions of dead sardines.
Over the years, trust, loyalty and recognition for the Miracle-Gro brand grew to such heights, that in the 1960s, Hagedorn was inspired to come up with the motto, “Miracle-Gro doesn’t have customers, it has fans.” This was quickly followed up with the mottos, “Miracle-Gro is bigger than Jesus” and “I am the lizard king. Who’s gonna come up here and love my ass?”
Through his leadership, Mr. Hagedorn built Miracle-Gro into a giant chemical conglomerate, and also one of the world’s foremost sources of dead birds, deformed testicles, and children born without eyes.
Today, Mr. Hagedorn’s popular blue fertilizer is used by millions of gardeners around the world, in addition to an ever-growing number of Idaho militias and paramilitary groups.
Hagedorn requested his ashes be applied in a two-inch layer beneath a tulip bulb.