Harry Wesley Coover Jr., Inventor of Super Glue

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

After a prolonged illness, Harry Wesley Coover Jr., the inventor of Super Glue, is now Super Dead.

Doctors fought bravely throughout his illness to reduce cranial swelling but no matter how hard they tried, they could never get his cap off.

Before long, they knew he only had a matter of days –mainly because of the pasty look on his face.

Coover’s wife was the first to discover the body. So naturally she became totally unglued.

A spokesman denied rumors he was discovered alone in his bedroom with his “Coover permanently stuck to a large stack of stroke mags.”

In a public tribute to his long career, the inventor was once described as “one of the true legends of the adhesive industry.” Of course this was immediately followed by derisive laughter.

Legend has it Coover invented Super Glue in 1951 after carelessly dropping a used pair of Walter Brennan’s underwear into a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

The original mixture consisted of monomers of Methyl-2-cyanoacrylate molecules with a molecular weight equal to or greater than 111.1. Whew, is it just me or are you gettin’ horny?

Over the years Coover’s Super Glue has repaired millions of everyday items, but sadly it could never mend a broken heart.

At his eulogy, Coover’s children recounted many fond memories of growing up in a happy home where the walls were always covered with patches of human skin.

Friends found the memorial very enjoyable.  And when it came time to bury him, everybody just had to stick around.

Coover requested his remains be placed in a brown paper bag so bored teens can use it for “kicks.”

From The Archives: Michael Vale, Star of 100 Dunkin’ Donuts Commercials

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

“Time to make the coffin!”

Michael Vale, who for 15 years played Fred the Baker in over 100 Dunkin Donuts commercials, was found dead in his apartment with his eyes glazed, body twisted, and stomach swollen with a rich, tangy lemon filling.

Vale was forced to retire in 1997 when skeptical fans questioned whether someone could actually work that long at a donut shop without getting killed by a crack dealer.

Police officers were such a huge fan of Vale, they used to pull him over on the highway just to get an autograph, and if they were lucky, get a taste of his delicious donut hole.

When he was once asked by Entertainment Weekly if he had ever actually made donuts, Vale reportedly crouched down, strained his face and quipped: “I’m making one now, eraygh!” He was never asked for an interview again.

The deceased requested his body be dunked halfway into a giant vat of Sanka and then dropped from a freeway overpass onto somebody’s windshield as a joke.