Danny Evins, Founder of the Cracker Barrel Restaurant Chain

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012

Danny Evins, founder of the Cracker Barrel restaurant, is now offering up his lowest priced meal to hungry travelers, this time in a pine box.

Evins named the Cracker Barrel after the practice of customers in Tennessee who gathered at country stores to gossip and play checkers on top of an empty barrel stuffed with dead civil rights workers.

After going public in 1981, the Cracker Barrel became a stock market darling with a certain investment sector. Unfortunately that sector dealt mainly with lap bands.

Year after year the restaurant won rave reviews in magazines like Nation’s Restaurant News and Destinations. And year after year people would not read magazines like Nation’s Restaurant News and Destinations.

In 1991 Evins ordered all his restaurants to fire employees “whose sexual preferences fail to demonstrate normal heterosexual values.” Ironically, the directive coincided with the introduction of his most popular southern confection to date, the “Lingam Pecan Log,” a fluffy, cherry-laced phallocentric nougat wrapped in fresh caramel and latex.

Evins’ last request was that his brain matter be inserted into old-fashioned glass jars and sold to hungry truck drivers up and down Interstate 40.