H. Norman Schwarzkopf, the general who became famous for restoring pride to Americans by reminding them what it was like to crush a nation armed with shitty weapons and even shittier troops, is dead of heart failure after a chunk of plaque failed to meet a U.N. deadline to leave his left ventricle.
The burly general had been living in Florida for several years in quiet retirement, aside from some embarrassing episodes when tourists mistook him for a manatee and tried to feed him cabbage.
When asked for his reaction, 88 year-old George H.W. Bush tried to pour a bowl of Jello into his bedpan.
Modest, but not known for his intellectual prowess, Schwarzkopf once said, “It doesn’t take a hero to order men into battle,” adding, “because a hero is a sandwich…Right?”
Once, when asked why his troops called him “Stormin’” Norman, he replied, “Because it rhymes with Norman. I dunno, get the fuck outta my face.” He was funny that way.
Schwarzkopf was treated for prostate cancer in 1993 and became a national spokesman for campaigns against the disease. Unfortunately, those campaigns usually involved massive aerial bombardment followed by a brutal, two-pronged commando assault thrusting deep up the patient’s ass.
Schwarzkopf requested his remaining life force be run out of Kuwait, boxed into a kill zone, and systematically incinerated on the Highway of Death – along with a busload of women and children.