Month: April 2015

Rudy R. Perz, Creator of The Pillsbury Doughboy

/ Jim Earl / Leave a comment

PillsburyAdvertising whiz Rudy R. Perz, creator of the iconic Pillsbury Doughboy, pinched his final loaf this week after failing frantically to pop a fresh breadstick.

Upon hearing the news, Liz Nordlie, President of Pillsbury, released a statement saying, “We paid that man off years ago. We owe him nothing.”

Under pressure to produce a mascot representing bleached flower, thiamin mononitrate sodium acid pyrophosphate aluminum and yeast, Perz created his first three-dimensional Doughboy doll of clay in 1965 at the cost of $16,000, or roughly what you’d pay a surgeon to remove half your large intestine.

The pudgy man of dough became such a hit, it was once cited by Brian Wilson as the main motivation behind releasing “Pet Sounds.”

To distinguish the Doughboy from the actual rolls of dough, Perz gave it a blush, a scarf, a chef’s hat, two big blue eyes and a warm chuckle. As for the penis, it gets amputated every time you slam the can against a kitchen table.

When the first doughboy was filmed using stop-motion, it came as a shock to many rural Pennsylvanians who assumed it was the ghost of Rick Santorum’s dead fetus.

His chuckle of “Hee hee!” when poked in the stomach became his trademark, after other catch phrases were rejected including, “No please no!” when someone bit off his head, and “What the, huh?” when repeatedly poked in the ass.

Perz requested his body be stuffed into a small, cardboard cylinder.

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(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

Darrell Winfield, Marlboro Man and Full-Flavored Smoke

/ Jim Earl / 1 Comment

Marlboro-5-124781Darrell Winfield, one of the most recognizable Marlboro Men, primarily because he was the only one who lived long enough to get recognized, is dead after a prolonged illness that probably started 50 years ago.

Although he lived to the relatively old age of 85, doctors still caution that had he not smoked, he could have made it to 300.

Asked what life might have been like if he hadn’t become the Marlboro Man, Winfield answered plainly: Life would have basically been the same. But without all that money and pussy. And all those cars and the four houses. And all that pussy.

Friends described him as a “man’s man,” who just liked working on his ranch every day, lighting cigarettes and crouching a lot. And then of course there was all that pussy.

Winfield was so authentic, he often provided the cattle and horses that appeared in the commercials. They all have lung cancer now.

Winfield requested his remains be lit on fire with a burning twig and marketed to children.

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Melvin Gordon, CEO Of Tootsie Roll

/ Jim Earl / Leave a comment

TootsieMelvin Gordon, chief executive of Tootsie Roll Industries, is dead after more than half a century spent desperately trying to pass a sticky, brown log that refused to melt even during the hot summer months.

Shocked family members say they discovered his iconic, oblong-shaped body stuck to a five year-old’s retainer.

The first Tootsie Roll was produced way back in 1896 by Brooklyn inventor Leo Hirschfield. Twenty-five years later he committed suicide by shooting himself in the stomach. That’s not a joke.

In 1988 Tootsie Roll became the world’s largest maker of lollipops, branching out with such popular candies as Sugar Daddy, Junior Mints, Dubble Bubble, Wack-o-Wax, Junior Daddy, Wack-o-Bubble, Dubble Mints Daddy Wax, Masonic Ditty-Dots, Razzles’ Chocolate-Covered Fur Nips, and Crunchy Caramel Dingle-Berry Daddy Dudds with Zinc.

The Tootsie Roll company now produces 64 million Tootsie Rolls a day. Experts calculate that if every Tootsie Roll ever produced were placed end-to-end, it would be the setup to a good joke.

Confectioners agree the most famous Tootsie Roll ad, “How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?” may never be answered. But perhaps the most pertinent question facing science is why it always tastes like a cardboard anus.

The real answer to the lick question, the company writes on its website, “Depends on a variety of factors such as the size of your mouth, the amount of saliva, and how much of your pancreas is still working.”

Gordon asked that his body parts be individually wrapped and twisted at each end.

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