Dr. Wayne Dyer, Former Catholic School Driver’s-Ed Instructor

Dr. Wayne Dyer, internationally renowned motivational guru and one of the bestselling authors of all time, died Saturday after 75 tedious years of enduring his own bullshit.

The cause of death was not immediately disclosed, although it probably had something to do with the universe finally mastering the art of manifesting its incredible force by killing somebody.

When reached for comment, friend Tony Robbins said his death was, “But a transition: from the living, to the mystical realm of probate and estate division.”

The author, whose title of “Doctor” held less validity than the title of “Skipper” did on Gilligan’s Island, was found “dead not dying with the music still in him.”

Last year, Mind Body Spirit magazine ranked Dyer as the eighth most spiritually influential person in the world after Mickey Mouse and Hitler.

A posting by Dyer’s family on his Facebook page read: “Wayne believed there was a spiritual answer to every problem. Except parking. Please repost this seven times if you really care about recycling.”

Dyer’s most notable fans included Ellen DeGeneres and Oprah Winfrey, who embraced his idea that the power of positive thinking was the foundation for personal fulfillment. And when that doesn’t work, there’s always dog torture and chronic overeating.

Dyer requested his remains be buried where his three ex-wives can’t get at them.

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