Antonin Scalia, the jolly, bushy eye-browed Santa-sized racist misogynist homophobe fake-intellectual Supreme Court Justice who regularly pled “no contest” to free meals, is dead after 79 years of staining his robes.
Cause of death was undetermined, but the legal consensus is the universe had “just cause” to terminate his life.
Scalia died at a west Texas hunting ranch run by members of the International Order of St. Hubert, Patron saint of hunters, of whom Scalia was the most prominent member who could no longer find his member.
St. Hubert’s martyrdom is a particularly inspiring tale of struggle and faith. After his tormentors stuffed him with a devilishly mouthwatering selection of Pork Loin in a bed of Guava and Plum Sauce followed by Almond Mole Chicken, Viceroy’s Cake and a delicious homemade ice cream, Hubert barely had the strength to cross the spacious veranda and make it back to his complementary luxury quarters where he quickly fell onto a plush pillow-topped bed and succumbed to the demonic enticement of a gentle sleep.
St. Hubert is also the patron saint of metal workers and smelters. And right now Scalia isn’t smelting very good.
Those at the ranch remembered Scalia as a stalwart defender of their Texas way of life, as well as the guy who always rushed the buffet and hogged the toilet.
Responding quickly to the news, President Obama ordered all flags to be flown at “half caring.”
The president went on to reassure an alarmed nation that “now all we have to do is wait for half of Congress to drop dead.”
Those who knew him say Scalia was a man of varied tastes, with a fondness for poker, opera, and forcing poison through the veins of innocent people on death row.
The centerpiece of Scalia’s judicial philosophy was his commitment to the doctrine of originalism, which sought to interpret the Constitution as it was understood at a time when women were considered less important than goats.
Funeral services for his body included a ten-hour repose in the Supreme Court building not far from where Clarence Thomas has been sleeping for the last twenty-six years.
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