Future Obituary: Roger Ailes, Sexual Consultant

Roger-AilesRoger Ailes, the half-sentient fat-pyramid whose fetish for garter belts, locked office doors, and exposing “red, raw hamburger meat” to horrified employees lead to a rewarding $40 million golden parachute as head of FOX News, is dead of shame after learning Steve Doocy got to feel up Megyn Kelly without his permission.

Born in the cretaceous era, Roger Ailes grew up in the small factory town of Warren, Ohio, where the ambitious youth hoped to one day follow in the footsteps of his abusive father.

As a boy he was often hospitalized for what doctors first thought was hemophilia. They later determined the real cause was that his blood was just too creeped out to stay inside him.

Ailes is credited with the “Orchestra Pit Theory” of sensationalist television which he summed up as quote, “You have two guys on a stage and one guy says, ‘I have a solution to the Middle East problem,’ and the other guy falls in the orchestra pit. Who do you think is going to be on the evening news? And who do you think will get to extort blowjobs and rape underage models?”

Ailes’ resignation at FOX came within days of Debbie Wasserman Schultz stepping down as DNC chairwoman, which begs the question: “Have you ever seen these two together?”

Early this month, former Fox & Friends star, Gretchen Carlson, filed a harassment suit against Ailes charging him with fostering an atmosphere that made Carlson a “blond female prop.” The charge was particularly damning until somebody found the phrase “blond female prop” in the “goals” section of her LinkedIn page.

In response, Ailes called Carlson’s suit, “retaliatory for the network’s decision not to renew her contract after she refused to fuck me and anyone I told her to fuck.”

Ailes wasn’t just a powerhouse media consultant and television executive. He also had a sensitive side and liked to experiment with poetry. One favorite was this gem he’d regularly recite to the delight of new interns:

“You know if you want to play with the big boys,

You have to lay with the big boys.” (mic drop)

Dedicated to his beloved business until he very end, Ailes’ last words of wisdom were reserved for his nurse:

“If you want to make it in the TV business, you’re going to have to fuck me. And you’re going to have to fuck anyone I tell you to fuck. Now fetch my diaper.”

Burial arrangements haven’t been made yet because Ailes had to fire his undertaker for refusing to fuck his dead body.

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