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Month: December 2016
Robert Ettinger, “the father of cryonics”
Robert Ettinger, the cryonics pioneer who advocated freezing the dead with the hope that medical technology would someday enable them to pay taxes again, is dead at the age of 92 after attempting to defrost an erection he had back in the ’60s.
Ettinger first came up with the idea for cryonics in World War II during the Battle of the Bulge when he saw a bunch of frozen bodies and thought, “I can make money off of that, sure.”
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Ettinger founded his Cryonics Institute back in 1976 during the height of disco, a time when anyone would have been justified freezing half the music industry just to make them shut the fuck up.
For its services, the Cryonics Institute charges customers $28,000. But if you bring your own tin foil, “5 bucks.”
The first person Ettinger deposited at the Institute was his mother, Rhea. This was followed by ten years of Ettinger depositing her Social Security checks.
He also froze the bodies of his two wives, Mae and Elaine. They’re stored next to a sign reading, “WARNING – Do Not Open.”
Ettinger’s last wishes were to someday be brought back to life as a 92 year-old man with a lot of really serious health problems.
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Nancy Reagan, 40th President of the United States
Nancy Reagan, the controlling, pill-popping child-beating matriarch of a sick, fucked-up family who regularly stole Valium and diuretics from each other; and proud wife to a president who once declared ketchup a vegetable before ultimately becoming one, is now dead of complications resulting from a “ruptured Gipper.” Or in medical terms: congestive heartless failure.
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(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits, but obviously not some of the most recent ones published in this blog.)
According to witnesses, moments after she fell ill Nancy uttered her last words: “Fire the fucking astrologer.”
Though death was officially declared on March 6th, doctors say her soul probably “just said no” to life the second she decided to go into acting.
When reached for comment, friend Tom Brokaw ignored most of the facts and said something insultingly stupid.
Reagan redefined the role of First Lady, taking on such important responsibilities as ignoring AIDS, hoarding flower vases and criminalizing entire neighborhoods of black people.
But perhaps her greatest challenge came the day Ronald Reagan was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. For now at long last, she finally had the complete control needed to exact obsessive revenge fantasies upon her empty, flesh-robot husband as partial payback for all those years her stepdad withheld the love she was never emotionally equipped to receive to begin with. But, she was a snazzy dresser!
After her husband’s death, Nancy took on the role of vigilant caretaker for his legacy at the Reagan Library, where she could often seen dusting off “the book.”
Family members can console themselves with the thought that Nancy’s now up in heaven, still refusing to help Rock Hudson get treatment.
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All Contents of This Site Copyright © 2010-Eternity by Jim Earl (Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits, but obviously not some of the most recent ones published in this blog.)
Mourning Remembrance 