Charles Entenmann: Drippy Cheesy Slushy Mushy

Charles Edward Entenmann, the baked goods snack-empire magnate who once confessed he “wasn’t a dessert guy,” is now “a dead guy.”

Charles Entenmann was the grandson of William Entenmann, an ambitious German immigrant who started his bakery in 1898 with the preposterous dream of using bundt cakes to invade neighboring countries and conquer the world with his superior frosting.

Under Charles’ leadership, the Entenmann brand became recognizable to grocery shoppers around the country for its signature white and blue boxes filled with the syrupy odor of a dying democracy drowning in a sea of sugar regrets.

To better assist assembly-line production, Charles pioneered the “easy-bake” methodology where cakes were cooked using a flickering 60-watt light bulb in the presence of a frustrated eight year-old girl. 

In 2010 the company introduced their line of Halloween cupcakes, frightening millions of children worldwide at the thought of ever having to eat one.

Today Entenmann’s is famous for its line of over 36 dessert products including donuts, loaf cakes, pies, Danish, muffins and cookies- all of which taste exactly the same. 

Their oldest product, the all-butter loaf cake, is the most popular. Probably because most peoples’ hearts explode before they have a chance to fill out the complaint form. 

As with any enterprise, not every Entenmann’s product was an instant hit with consumers and many had to be discontinued, including: 

Soft Fudge Iced Cupcakes With Sinew

Stringy Chocolate Hair-Clairs

Cheese-Filled Cheesy Cheese Fromage

German “Everyone Butter Run!” Rum Cake

Carrera Marble Chipped Tooth Loaf

New York Cheesecake With Rats

Blackout Drunk Bourbon Cake

Sour Cream Dead Grandma Raspberry Twist Muffins With Crunchy Fingerbits™

Grieving former employees remember Mr. Entenmann as a boss who always treated everyone with consideration and respect. “It didn’t matter if you were a janitor at the bakery or the drunk guy who’d break into the factory every weekend to lick the flat-beater and get a dough-hook stuck up his butt.”

The deceased requested his remains be crammed inside a garish white and blue coffin with a plastic see-through lid in order to entice mourners to sample his treats.