Category Archives: Uncategorized

Robert Ettinger, “the father of cryonics”

Robert Ettinger, the cryonics pioneer who advocated freezing the dead with the hope that medical technology would someday enable them to pay taxes again, is dead at the age of 92 after attempting to defrost an erection he had back … Continue reading

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Nancy Reagan, 40th President of the United States

Nancy Reagan, the controlling, pill-popping child-beating matriarch of a sick, fucked-up family who regularly stole Valium and diuretics from each other; and proud wife to a president who once declared ketchup a vegetable before ultimately becoming one, is now dead … Continue reading

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Jan Crouch, Professional Money Raiser

Jan Crouch, who 43 years ago co-founded the world’s largest Christian television network with nothing more than a pocket full of hope, hair resembling the helmet Rick Moranis wore is Spaceballs, and $30,000 in fraudulently secured donations, is now crouching … Continue reading

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Phyllis Schlafly, Proud Goldwater Girl

Phyllis Schlafly, the conservative icon who proved by example that women can be huge assholes too, is now dead after doing all the damage she could possibly do in 92 years. A champion of traditional, stay-at-home roles for women, Schlafly … Continue reading

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Future Obituary – Ted Cruz, Canadian Sausage, Pitchman For Snot

Ted Cruz, the passionate and effective fighter for ineffective government, medieval economic theory and the Constitution as defined by Nazis, is dead after forty-five years of poorly imitating human life. His daughter reportedly found the Republican presidential candidate in their … Continue reading

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Future Obituary: Roger Ailes, Sexual Consultant

Roger Ailes, the half-sentient fat-pyramid whose fetish for garter belts, locked office doors, and exposing “red, raw hamburger meat” to horrified employees lead to a rewarding $40 million golden parachute as head of FOX News, is dead of shame after … Continue reading

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Antonin Scalia: The Poor Man’s Robert Bork

Antonin Scalia, the jolly, bushy eye-browed Santa-sized racist misogynist homophobe fake-intellectual Supreme Court Justice who regularly pled “no contest” to free meals, is dead after 79 years of staining his robes. Cause of death was undetermined, but the legal consensus … Continue reading

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