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Category Archives: Uncategorized
Future Obituary – Ted Cruz, Canadian Sausage, Pitchman For Snot
Ted Cruz, the passionate and effective fighter for ineffective government, medieval economic theory and the Constitution as defined by Nazis, is dead after forty-five years of poorly imitating human life. His daughter reportedly found the Republican presidential candidate in their … Continue reading
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Cuba, Harvard, Planned Parenthood, snot, Ted Cruz, Texas
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Future Obituary: Roger Ailes, Sexual Consultant
Roger Ailes, the half-sentient fat-pyramid whose fetish for garter belts, locked office doors, and exposing “red, raw hamburger meat” to horrified employees lead to a rewarding $40 million golden parachute as head of FOX News, is dead of shame after … Continue reading
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged blow jobs, FOX News, Gretchen Carlson, Megyn Kelly, Roger Ailes, sexual harassment, Steve Doocy
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Antonin Scalia: The Poor Man’s Robert Bork
Antonin Scalia, the jolly, bushy eye-browed Santa-sized racist misogynist homophobe fake-intellectual Supreme Court Justice who regularly pled “no contest” to free meals, is dead after 79 years of staining his robes. Cause of death was undetermined, but the legal consensus … Continue reading
Lavoy Finicum – Oregon Militia Spokesman, Mormon Recruiter, Incompetent Cowboy
LaVoy Finicum, who once said he had no intention of spending any of his “days in a concrete box,” is now spending eternity in a pine one. Police detained Finicum outside the Malheur Wildlife Refuge in what started off as a … Continue reading
James Griffin, Co-Founder of the Band Bread
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011 [audio http://jimearl.com/Morning%20Rem.mp3%5D Baby I’m-A Dead This week the music world received word that James Griffin, founding member of the soft-rock group Bread, is toast. In a statement released today to hopeful fans,…
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Dr. Wayne Dyer, Former Catholic School Driver’s-Ed Instructor
Dr. Wayne Dyer, internationally renowned motivational guru and one of the bestselling authors of all time, died Saturday after 75 tedious years of enduring his own bullshit. The cause of death was not immediately disclosed, although it probably had something … Continue reading
Rudy R. Perz, Creator of The Pillsbury Doughboy
Advertising whiz Rudy R. Perz, creator of the iconic Pillsbury Doughboy, pinched his final loaf this week after failing frantically to pop a fresh breadstick. Upon hearing the news, Liz Nordlie, President of Pillsbury, released a statement saying, “We paid … Continue reading
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged advertising, bleached flower, Leo Burnett, Pillsbury Doughboy, Poppin' Fresh, Rick Santorum, Rudy R. Perz
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Darrell Winfield, Marlboro Man and Full-Flavored Smoke
Darrell Winfield, one of the most recognizable Marlboro Men, primarily because he was the only one who lived long enough to get recognized, is dead after a prolonged illness that probably started 50 years ago. Although he lived to the … Continue reading
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Tagged cancer, cigarettes, commercials, Darrell Winfield, Marlboro Man, smoking
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Melvin Gordon, CEO Of Tootsie Roll
Melvin Gordon, chief executive of Tootsie Roll Industries, is dead after more than half a century spent desperately trying to pass a sticky, brown log that refused to melt even during the hot summer months. Shocked family members say they … Continue reading
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged candy, diabetes, Junior Mints, Leo Hirschfield, Melvin Gordon, saliva, Sugar Daddy, Tootsie Roll
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Future Obit – Camille Cosby: Lead Accountant at Cosby Enterprises Inc.
Camille Cosby, one of the few select females ever allowed to naturally fall asleep around her husband, is dead after collapsing face-down in a bowl of pudding and drowning in a sea of JELL-O™ lies. When reached for comment, her … Continue reading
