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Nancy Reagan, 40th President of the United States

/ Jim Earl / Leave a comment

nancyNancy Reagan, the controlling, pill-popping child-beating matriarch of a sick, fucked-up family who regularly stole Valium and diuretics from each other; and proud wife to a president who once declared ketchup a vegetable before ultimately becoming one, is now dead of complications resulting from a “ruptured Gipper.” Or in medical terms: congestive heartless failure.

BUY THE AMAZING BOOK: https://www.createspace.com/3721076

(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

According to witnesses, moments after she fell ill Nancy uttered her last words: “Fire the fucking astrologer.”

Though death was officially declared on March 6th, doctors say her soul probably “just said no” to life the second she decided to go into acting.

When reached for comment, friend Tom Brokaw ignored most of the facts and said something insultingly stupid.

Reagan redefined the role of First Lady, taking on such important responsibilities as ignoring AIDS, hoarding flower vases and criminalizing entire neighborhoods of black people.

But perhaps her greatest challenge came the day Ronald Reagan was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. For now at long last, she finally had the complete control needed to exact obsessive revenge fantasies upon her empty, flesh-robot husband as partial payback for all those years her stepdad withheld the love she was never emotionally equipped to receive to begin with. But, she was a snazzy dresser!

After her husband’s death, Nancy took on the role of vigilant caretaker for his legacy at the Reagan Library, where she could often seen dusting off “the book.”

Family members can console themselves with the thought that Nancy’s now up in heaven, still refusing to help Rock Hudson get treatment.

BUY THE AMAZING BOOK: https://www.createspace.com/3721076

All Contents of This Site Copyright © 2010-Eternity by Jim Earl

(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

Jan Crouch, Professional Money Raiser

/ Jim Earl / Leave a comment

crouchJan Crouch, who 43 years ago co-founded the world’s largest Christian television network with nothing more than a pocket full of hope, hair resembling the helmet Rick Moranis wore is Spaceballs, and $30,000 in fraudulently secured donations, is now crouching sideways six-feet under a praying mantis.

Crouch reportedly died of a stroke. When reached for comment a spokesman for the network refused to return a phone call because there wasn’t any money involved.

Jan Bethany first met Paul Crouch, her future husband, in the mid 1950s. An occurrence many atheists cite as the only real proof Satan exists.

After struggling in ministries in South Dakota and Michigan, the couple decided to move to Los Angeles in the early 1960s after a source tipped them off that Jed Clampett might be a good mark.

As the years passed, it was clear their union was a Christian match made in heaven: a minister’s daughter, whose dogs live in a $100,000 motor home, married to a pastor who’s fucking the male employees.

The Crouch Trinity Broadcasting Network was touch and go at first. But by the late 1980s their telethons raised more money than Jerry Lewis’ muscular dystrophy telethons, mainly because the couple looked like they needed more medical help.

Crouch’s last request was that her network continue stealing from low-income Americans.

BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: https://www.createspace.com/3721076

All Contents of This Site Copyright © 2010-Eternity by Jim Earl

(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

Phyllis Schlafly, Proud Goldwater Girl

/ Jim Earl / Leave a comment

schlafly_imgPhyllis Schlafly, the conservative icon who proved by example that women can be huge assholes too, is now dead after doing all the damage she could possibly do in 92 years.

A champion of traditional, stay-at-home roles for women, Schlafly ran for public office twice, wrote 27 books, and never stayed at home. Plus, her son’s gay.

Schlafly once declared that married women “can’t get raped” because by marrying, a woman has consented to sex. And by marrying Bill Cosby, a woman has also consented to a lifetime of wondering what the hell is in her drink.

At the age of 24, the struggling librarian “consented to sex” with a man from a wealthy banking family, allowing her to take on the traditional role of a hypocrite marrying for money.

Schlafly opposed the ERA movement because she believed it would only be a matter of time until Americans started demanding co-ed bathrooms, reproductive rights and gay marriage. Oh my god, she was right!

A vocal Trump supporter, Schlafly said she didn’t think a female should be president because, quote, “Our greatest presidents have all been men.” Which pretty much is the same as saying, “Our greatest men have all been men.”

But in the end, Schlafly’s most cogent and valid argument against giving women equal rights was her very existence. And so she died.

Mrs. Schlafly is survived by six children. So I guess she really loved a “deep consenting.” Plus, her son’s gay.

BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: https://www.createspace.com/3721076

All Contents of This Site Copyright © 2010-Eternity by Jim Earl

(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

Future Obituary – Ted Cruz, Canadian Sausage, Pitchman For Snot

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CRUZTed Cruz, the passionate and effective fighter for ineffective government, medieval economic theory and the Constitution as defined by Nazis, is dead after forty-five years of poorly imitating human life.

His daughter reportedly found the Republican presidential candidate in their home, drowning in a bathtub filled with his own cooties.

Paramedics tried frantically to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but the oxygen refused to go in on account of it being, quote, “too creeped out.”

Cruz’s mom is of Irish descent and his father is Cuban, so every Saint Patrick’s Day he gets drunk and trims his wife’s bush.

In 1974 when Ted was just five years-old his father abandoned the family and moved to Texas. Yes, it was THAT bad.

Cruz often told the story of how his father escaped Cuba with only $100 in his underwear. As Senator he took inspiration from that story to shut down the government and nearly flush the economy down the toilet.

In 1995, Ted Cruz graduated from Harvard Law School, answering the age-old question: “What could make people hate lawyers even more?”

As Senator from Texas, Cruz’s greatest achievement was uniting both sides of the aisle in their universal disrespect for Canada.

The deceased requested that the stick up his ass be used to plant his body outside Planned Parenthood in order to act as a deterrent to sex.

BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: https://www.createspace.com/3721076

All Contents of This Site Copyright © 2010-Eternity by Jim Earl

(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

Future Obituary: Roger Ailes, Sexual Consultant

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Roger-AilesRoger Ailes, the half-sentient fat-pyramid whose fetish for garter belts, locked office doors, and exposing “red, raw hamburger meat” to horrified employees lead to a rewarding $40 million golden parachute as head of FOX News, is dead of shame after learning Steve Doocy got to feel up Megyn Kelly without his permission.

Born in the cretaceous era, Roger Ailes grew up in the small factory town of Warren, Ohio, where the ambitious youth hoped to one day follow in the footsteps of his abusive father.

As a boy he was often hospitalized for what doctors first thought was hemophilia. They later determined the real cause was that his blood was just too creeped out to stay inside him.

Ailes is credited with the “Orchestra Pit Theory” of sensationalist television which he summed up as quote, “You have two guys on a stage and one guy says, ‘I have a solution to the Middle East problem,’ and the other guy falls in the orchestra pit. Who do you think is going to be on the evening news? And who do you think will get to extort blowjobs and rape underage models?”

Ailes’ resignation at FOX came within days of Debbie Wasserman Schultz stepping down as DNC chairwoman, which begs the question: “Have you ever seen these two together?”

Early this month, former Fox & Friends star, Gretchen Carlson, filed a harassment suit against Ailes charging him with fostering an atmosphere that made Carlson a “blond female prop.” The charge was particularly damning until somebody found the phrase “blond female prop” in the “goals” section of her LinkedIn page.

In response, Ailes called Carlson’s suit, “retaliatory for the network’s decision not to renew her contract after she refused to fuck me and anyone I told her to fuck.”

Ailes wasn’t just a powerhouse media consultant and television executive. He also had a sensitive side and liked to experiment with poetry. One favorite was this gem he’d regularly recite to the delight of new interns:

“You know if you want to play with the big boys,

You have to lay with the big boys.” (mic drop)

Dedicated to his beloved business until he very end, Ailes’ last words of wisdom were reserved for his nurse:

“If you want to make it in the TV business, you’re going to have to fuck me. And you’re going to have to fuck anyone I tell you to fuck. Now fetch my diaper.”

Burial arrangements haven’t been made yet because Ailes had to fire his undertaker for refusing to fuck his dead body.

BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: https://www.createspace.com/3721076

All Contents of This Site Copyright © 2010-Eternity by Jim Earl

(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

Antonin Scalia: The Poor Man’s Robert Bork

/ Jim Earl / Leave a comment

Antonin ScaliaAntonin Scalia, the jolly, bushy eye-browed Santa-sized racist misogynist homophobe fake-intellectual Supreme Court Justice who regularly pled “no contest” to free meals, is dead after 79 years of staining his robes.

Cause of death was undetermined, but the legal consensus is the universe had “just cause” to terminate his life.

Scalia died at a west Texas hunting ranch run by members of the International Order of St. Hubert, Patron saint of hunters, of whom Scalia was the most prominent member who could no longer find his member.

St. Hubert’s martyrdom is a particularly inspiring tale of struggle and faith. After his tormentors stuffed him with a devilishly mouthwatering selection of Pork Loin in a bed of Guava and Plum Sauce followed by Almond Mole Chicken, Viceroy’s Cake and a delicious homemade ice cream, Hubert barely had the strength to cross the spacious veranda and make it back to his complementary luxury quarters where he quickly fell onto a plush pillow-topped bed and succumbed to the demonic enticement of a gentle sleep.

St. Hubert is also the patron saint of metal workers and smelters. And right now Scalia isn’t smelting very good.

Those at the ranch remembered Scalia as a stalwart defender of their Texas way of life, as well as the guy who always rushed the buffet and hogged the toilet.

Responding quickly to the news, President Obama ordered all flags to be flown at “half caring.”

The president went on to reassure an alarmed nation that “now all we have to do is wait for half of Congress to drop dead.”

Those who knew him say Scalia was a man of varied tastes, with a fondness for poker, opera, and forcing poison through the veins of innocent people on death row.

The centerpiece of Scalia’s judicial philosophy was his commitment to the doctrine of originalism, which sought to interpret the Constitution as it was understood at a time when women were considered less important than goats.

Funeral services for his body included a ten-hour repose in the Supreme Court building not far from where Clarence Thomas has been sleeping for the last twenty-six years.

BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: https://www.createspace.com/3721076

All Contents of This Site Copyright © 2010-Eternity by Jim Earl

(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

Lavoy Finicum – Oregon Militia Spokesman, Mormon Recruiter, Incompetent Cowboy

/ Jim Earl / Leave a comment

LaVoyLaVoy Finicum, who once said he had no intention of spending any of his “days in a concrete box,” is now spending eternity in a pine one.

Police detained Finicum outside the Malheur Wildlife Refuge in what started off as a routine traffic stop for disposing of dildos without a permit.

Witnesses say Finicum then angrily rushed cops with his gun after they promised to reunite him with his wife and eleven foster children.

Cops reportedly shot Finicum with two 45 caliber bullets from their service revolvers, yet another government service he’ll never pay for.

When he heard the news, fellow protestor Ryan Bundy issued the statement, “My thoughts and prayers go out to every halfwit in America.”

Finicum became the group’s de facto spiritual leader when he first arrived at the protest and vowed to “leave a trench full of human feces in every wildlife refuge in America.”

Though the occupation is over, officials warn the refuge still has to remain closed for several months out of concern many of the buildings may be “poopy trapped.”

The deceased requested his remains be buried in blue tarp and surrounded by a choice selection of Ryan Bundy’s sinkers and floaters.

BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: https://www.createspace.com/3721076

All Contents of This Site Copyright © 2010-Eternity by Jim Earl

(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

James Griffin, Co-Founder of the Band Bread

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Mourning Remembrance

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


Baby I’m-A Dead

This week the music world received word that James Griffin, founding member of the soft-rock group Bread, is toast.
In a statement released today to hopeful fans, Griffin’s manager said there was no truth to the rumor he’s risen. But I guess that news is pretty stale by now.

Never one to loaf, Griffin helped form Bread in 1968. And after they released the hits “Make It With You” and “Baby I’m-a Want You,” Bread was on a roll. Any way you sliced it, Bread was hot. And Bread made a lot of dough.

Griffin had been in good health until last week when doctors labeled his condition as “crummy”. When loved-ones discovered his body, witnesses say the former lead singer of Bread was crusty and completely riddled with fungus. Nothing could be saved, not even the heels.

Griffin…

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Dr. Wayne Dyer, Former Catholic School Driver’s-Ed Instructor

/ Jim Earl / 1 Comment

Dr. Wayne Dyer, internationally renowned motivational guru and one of the bestselling authors of all time, died Saturday after 75 tedious years of enduring his own bullshit.

The cause of death was not immediately disclosed, although it probably had something to do with the universe finally mastering the art of manifesting its incredible force by killing somebody.

When reached for comment, friend Tony Robbins said his death was, “But a transition: from the living, to the mystical realm of probate and estate division.”

The author, whose title of “Doctor” held less validity than the title of “Skipper” did on Gilligan’s Island, was found “dead not dying with the music still in him.”

Last year, Mind Body Spirit magazine ranked Dyer as the eighth most spiritually influential person in the world after Mickey Mouse and Hitler.

A posting by Dyer’s family on his Facebook page read: “Wayne believed there was a spiritual answer to every problem. Except parking. Please repost this seven times if you really care about recycling.”

Dyer’s most notable fans included Ellen DeGeneres and Oprah Winfrey, who embraced his idea that the power of positive thinking was the foundation for personal fulfillment. And when that doesn’t work, there’s always dog torture and chronic overeating.

Dyer requested his remains be buried where his three ex-wives can’t get at them.

BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: https://www.createspace.com/3721076

All Contents of This Site Copyright © 2010-Eternity by Jim Earl

(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

Rudy R. Perz, Creator of The Pillsbury Doughboy

/ Jim Earl / Leave a comment

PillsburyAdvertising whiz Rudy R. Perz, creator of the iconic Pillsbury Doughboy, pinched his final loaf this week after failing frantically to pop a fresh breadstick.

Upon hearing the news, Liz Nordlie, President of Pillsbury, released a statement saying, “We paid that man off years ago. We owe him nothing.”

Under pressure to produce a mascot representing bleached flower, thiamin mononitrate sodium acid pyrophosphate aluminum and yeast, Perz created his first three-dimensional Doughboy doll of clay in 1965 at the cost of $16,000, or roughly what you’d pay a surgeon to remove half your large intestine.

The pudgy man of dough became such a hit, it was once cited by Brian Wilson as the main motivation behind releasing “Pet Sounds.”

To distinguish the Doughboy from the actual rolls of dough, Perz gave it a blush, a scarf, a chef’s hat, two big blue eyes and a warm chuckle. As for the penis, it gets amputated every time you slam the can against a kitchen table.

When the first doughboy was filmed using stop-motion, it came as a shock to many rural Pennsylvanians who assumed it was the ghost of Rick Santorum’s dead fetus.

His chuckle of “Hee hee!” when poked in the stomach became his trademark, after other catch phrases were rejected including, “No please no!” when someone bit off his head, and “What the, huh?” when repeatedly poked in the ass.

Perz requested his body be stuffed into a small, cardboard cylinder.

BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: https://www.createspace.com/3721076

All Contents of This Site Copyright © 2010-Eternity by Jim Earl

(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)