Future Obit – Dick Cheney: Avid Hunter, Fitness Freak, Monster

ChENEYRichard Bruce “Dick” Cheney, the only human capable of using another person’s heart without caring who it previously belonged to, has finally died after years of being dead.

The former Philip Morris spokesmodel, who only recently called the Senate report on Bush-era torture “a crock” and “hooey,” is now buried under “a rock” where gophers are finding him “chewy.”

Still grieving, his daughters refused to accept their father’s demise, and instead referred to it as “Enhanced death.”

As a youth growing up in Wyoming, the plucky Cheney quickly showed his mettle by earning five military deferments and two DWIs.

He subsequently flunked out of Yale twice, inspiring his later Congressional vote against the creation of the U.S. Department of Education.

In 2011, Cheney published his biography “In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir,” in which he described himself as “the most powerful President in American History.”

Over the years he had five heart attacks, at least seven cardiovascular procedures and bypasses involving stents, grafting and implants, and at one point, was outfitted with an artificial blood pump leaving him without a pulse for a year and a half – but still, he never got a dinner.

The deceased requested his remains be buried next to proof of Saddam Hussein’s WMDs so nobody can ever find them.

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S. Truett Cathy, Founder of Chick-fil-A

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Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2014

S. Truett Cathy, the Southern entrepreneur who in one lifetime transformed a small, hometown business into a global symbol of homophobia and cancerous lab rats, is now undergoing death conversion therapy.

Chick-fil-A announced Cathy’s demise but refused to disclose the exact cause explaining, “It would take too long to list all the ingredients.”

Truett Cathy is credited with inventing the first fast-food chicken sandwich. It may not sound like much, but it sure beats taking the rap for a series of mysterious smothering deaths in the early ‘50s.

In 1964, Cathy presented First Lady, Lady Bird Johnson, with a Chick-fil-A sandwich during her visit to Georgia. One year later 2,000 American soldiers died in Vietnam. Coincidence?

The devout Southern Baptist became famous for closing his stores on Sundays so employees could spend more time at home with their families, and in the process, learn to hate life.

The company’s official statement of corporate purpose says that the business exists, “To glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us. And to make him really fat.”

Interesting Funtoid: The chain’s advertising slogan, “Eat mor chikin,” contains the deliberately misspelled words “more” and “chicken” so they can legally get around actually offering customers “more” “chicken.”

Cathy requested his body be breaded and de-boned, and his soft, white buns delicately buttered and garnished with nothing more than a couple of pickles.

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Don Levine, Creator of G.I. Joe

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Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2014

Don Levine, the Hasbro toy executive credited with doing more to distort America’s concept of war than Bob Crane’s errant penis, is now being outflanked by an army of ants.

Levine’s body was found “four klicks out” in his older sister’s bedroom, his nails painted pink and his torso draped mockingly in a garish, pistachio green gown.

Born in 1928, the 86 year-old recently attributed his longevity to the fact that he never once set foot in a VA Hospital.

Levine first got the idea for the miniature figure while serving in the Korean War after he caught several Chinese soldiers hiding in his helmet.

G.I. Joe hit the shelves in time for the 1964 Christmas shopping season and soon millions of Americans were spending $4 apiece on the fake soldiers. No wait, that’s what they were spending on the real soldiers.

The doll boasted 21 moving parts, including a pair of flexible shoulders John McCain would one day come to envy.

But the Vietnam War raged on and interest in the dolls waned. And sadly, parents soon discovered that when they brought their G.I. Joes home, there were no parades.

As the public shied away from military-related toys, Hasbro countered with the popular “Upper GI Joe,” whose main talent was being able to avoid combat due to digestive problems.

Levine requested his body be laid to rest on a mattress of Kleenex tissues crammed inside an old shoebox.

BUY THE FREAKIN’ BOOK: https://www.createspace.com/3721076

 

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Cal Worthington, Circus Performer

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“It’s Cal Worthington and his burial spot!”

Cal Worthington, the legendary Ford dealer who once boasted he’d “eat a bug” if you bought a car, is now getting eaten by bugs after buying the farm.

Born in 1920, Worthington grew up in the stark poverty of the Oklahoma Dust Bowl with no one to confide in but his dog “Sand.”

Things got so bad during the Depression, the young Worthington had to quit school and help support his family by selling babies to hobos.

During World War II, he flew 29 missions over Germany in a 1941 B-17 Flying Fortress. You know, a lot of times Boeing would register and sell a B-17 and for some reason the deal wouldn’t go through and now they’re stuck with a used plane when it’s only got a few miles on it. Look at it check it, here’s a dandy little bomber that’ll sell for about half what it’s worth new. This is where your friends are.

After the war, Worthington built a cult following into the biggest used-car dealership west of the Mississippi with his weird collection of freaky circus animals posing as pets. But to anyone south of the Mason-Dixon line, it was just another Tuesday.

The cause of death has not yet been determined, though experts speculate he may have been suffering from feline AIDS.

His ad campaigns were so popular, the phrase “Go see Cal” became part of the vocabulary of every Southern Californian. And once they read the full lease agreement, so did the phrase “Go see a lawyer.”

By 1979, Worthington was worth hundreds of millions of dollars. It was at this point he decided to divorce his wife Barbara and trade her in for a newer model with bigger headlights.

You can find Cal Worthington’s memorial off the 405 Freeway at 2850 Bellflower Blvd. in Long Beach. All he asks is that you see his grave first. Come on down. It’s just a big ‘ol giant, friendly supermarket of death. He’s got acres and acres and acres of death. Casket’s open till midnight every night. See ya here!

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Robert Ettinger, Cryonics Pioneer

Robert Ettinger

Robert Ettinger, the cryonics pioneer who advocated freezing the dead with the hope that medical technology would someday enable them to pay taxes again, is dead at the age of 92 after attempting to defrost an erection he had back in the ’60s.

Ettinger first came up with the idea for cryonics in World War II during the Battle of the Bulge when he saw a bunch of frozen bodies and thought, “I can make money off of that, sure.”

Ettinger founded his Cryonics Institute back in 1976 during the height of disco, a time when anyone would have been justified freezing half the music industry just to make them shut the fuck up.

For its services, the Cryonics Institute charges customers $28,000. But if you bring your own tin foil, “5 bucks.”

The first person Ettinger deposited at the Institute was his mother, Rhea. This was followed by ten years of Ettinger depositing her Social Security checks.

He also froze the bodies of his two wives, Mae and Elaine. They’re stored next to a sign reading, “WARNING – Do Not Open.”

Ettinger’s last wishes were to someday be brought back to life as a 92 year-old man with a lot of really serious health problems.

Buy “Mourning Remembrance,” the book, here! Cover art by Tony Millionaire! Copiously illustrated by Nathan Smith! Introduction by Marc Maron! Afterword by Rachel Maddow!

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John Galardi, Founder of Der Wienerschnitzel

wienerschnitzel4John Galardi, beloved founder of the hotdog chain Der Wienerschnitzel, is now Der ceased.

Doctors say Galardi died from an incurable form of Der Pancreatic Cancer, but they can’t be sure until after the Krautopsy.

It was way back at the tender age of 23 that the ambitious Galardi looked at the glut of hamburger stands in his neighborhood and decided to carve out a niche with his “trademark wiener.”

In 1961, Galardi opened up his first restaurant with little more than a pocket full of gumption and the maximum percentage of FDA-allowed insect parts and rat snouts.

Over the years, the chain became famous for its advertising mascot, an animated hot dog who runs screaming from anyone asking to know his real ingredients.

Memorable ad campaigns included the slogans, “DER Fun Since ‘61,” “We’re DERlicious,” and the ill-conceived, “Our Bites Are Macht Fried.”

Wiener factoid: Did you know approximately 17 billion hot dogs are eaten in the United States every year? That’s about 75 for every man, woman and tumor.

Galardi requested his remains be ground into a spicy paste, packed into a tubular, transparent casing, and buried deep within his wife’s buns.

Dipping sauce joke.

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David P. Reynolds, Metal Head Headed Metal Company

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Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2013

David Reynolds, the metal manufacturing executive who gave America aluminum foil, has finally wrapped up his life in a lead-lined coffin.

The 96 year-old was found suffocated inside a used Quaker Oats box after his son forgot to poke enough air holes in the foil cover.

Reynolds was cousin to tobacco king R.J. Reynolds, who sold the first aluminum filtered cigarette with the slogan, “Come To Where The Flavor Is. And Then Forget Where You Are Because Now You Have Alzheimer’s.”

An expert salesman, Reynolds liked to arrange public demonstrations to personally show customers how to preserve leftovers with his product, often enlisting the help of his wife to wrap his sausage.

A stern disciplinarian, Reynolds was known to keep employees in line by yelling, “Don’t forget who wears the foil hat at this company!”

Reynolds requested his remains be covered in order to prevent splatters, protect against over-browning, and help keep his body parts moist.

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Huell Howser: He Went Avocado Picking With A Dog!

Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012

Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012

Huell Howser, the iconically jovial star of public television’s, “California’s Gold,” is now ironically under six feet of “California’s Dirt.”

When he first learned he had cancer, the folksy travel guide reportedly shoved a microphone in his doctor’s face and asked how much the MRI machine weighed.

Witnesses who found his body were heard to exclaim, “Oh my gosh!” and “Holy cow!”

Doctors refused to reveal any more details about his death other than to say “he probably won’t be getting amazed by anything anymore.”

Friends say Howser probably could have survived longer had he not taken so much time out from chemotherapy to do a month-long series on lint.

Family members are consoling themselves with the thought that Howser and his microphone are now up in heaven, interviewing – aw who am I foolin’? He’s lost forever in the dark void of nothingness we’re all doomed to inhabit once our bodies succumb to the inevitable ravages of mortality. He went avocado picking with a DOG!

Howser requested a portion of his ashes be dumped into the great system of California aqueducts so his remains can trace the route the water follows through the huge pipes, tunnels, canals and pumping plants, and along the way meet the men and women who are carrying on the proud tradition of bringing water to Southern California. He went avocado picking with a DOG!

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General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, Oil Man

Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012

Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012


H. Norman Schwarzkopf, the general who became famous for restoring pride to Americans by reminding them what it was like to crush a nation armed with shitty weapons and even shittier troops, is dead of heart failure after a chunk of plaque failed to meet a U.N. deadline to leave his left ventricle.

The burly general had been living in Florida for several years in quiet retirement, aside from some embarrassing episodes when tourists mistook him for a manatee and tried to feed him cabbage.

When asked for his reaction, 88 year-old George H.W. Bush tried to pour a bowl of Jello into his bedpan.

Modest, but not known for his intellectual prowess, Schwarzkopf once said, “It doesn’t take a hero to order men into battle,” adding, “because a hero is a sandwich…Right?”

Once, when asked why his troops called him “Stormin’” Norman, he replied, “Because it rhymes with Norman. I dunno, get the fuck outta my face.” He was funny that way.

Schwarzkopf was treated for prostate cancer in 1993 and became a national spokesman for campaigns against the disease. Unfortunately, those campaigns usually involved massive aerial bombardment followed by a brutal, two-pronged commando assault thrusting deep up the patient’s ass.

Schwarzkopf requested his remaining life force be run out of Kuwait, boxed into a kill zone, and systematically incinerated on the Highway of Death – along with a busload of women and children.

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Sam Porcello, Inventor of Oreo Cream Filling

Sam Porcello, chief scientist at Nabisco and the inventor of Oreo cream filling, is now being eaten by millions of diabetic ants.

Porcello’s body was found face down in a vat of milk, his Nutter covered with Butter and Doo all over his Dad. Plus, he had cancer.

No one can confirm the true origin of the word “Oreo,” but many believe it was derived from the sound people make when they find out they need dialysis. “Ohhr-eo!”

Porcello invented many Nabisco snack products, including SnackWells, which are currently in danger of contamination due to Fracking.

At the factory, Porcello was known as “Mr. Oreo.” But at home, he was still known as “Mr. Oreo.” There really wasn’t much to this guy.

In 2011, Nabisco tried selling Oreos to Poland, but it was too hard to ship them with the cream on the outside of the cookie.

Interesting fact: The moon is 238,855 miles away, right? Did you know if you stacked every Oreo ever made, one on top of the other, you’d first have to remove half of them from Elvis Presley’s impacted colon?

The deceased requested the top be carefully twisted off his coffin so that generations of children could gaze in wonder at his cream-filled kidneys.

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