Barbara Bush: A Nation Mourns And Eats Its Lunch

BUSHMy fellow Americans: Major combat operations in Barbara Bush have ended.
In the Battle of Life, time and a beef-heavy diet have prevailed.

And now our coalition of Earth’s natural elements is engaged in securing and deconstructing her cell structure. The tyrant has fallen. And Kennebunkport, Maine, is now free from her brooding presence at Mabel’s Clam Shack.

As Jesus once said: “No one can escape the relentless grab-ass of death.” And so, Barbara (Pierce) Bush, a First Lady whose main claim to fame was allowing two war criminals in and out of her bat-filled sniz, is now playing host to more beneficial parasites.

Known for bravely facing her many illnesses, Mrs. Bush once remarked, ”I have no fear of death because I know there is a great god,” -a motto later adopted by ISIS.

Close friends eulogized her as a “national treasure whose glaring frown could really light up the room.”

Upon hearing the news, Barack Obama declared her ankles “Too Big to Fail” in between giving speeches to hedge fund managers. Then he remembered he wasn’t president anymore.

Miss Barbara Pierce first met George Herbert Walker Bush in college and soon after they married. She later said George was the first man she ever kissed without reading his lips about no new taxes.

In 1946 their union brought forth a healthy baby boy, George Jr., inspiring her immortal words: “Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.”

But it wasn’t until she became First Lady that she took the world by storm with her Bess Truman charm and relentless grudge keeping.

Indeed, Mrs. Bush’s casual, down-to-earth manner soon earned her the label of “America’s grandmother” from those in the Bush administration. It’s not clear who they considered “America’s grandfather,” but I’m thinking maybe Joseph Goebbels.

Bereaved family members are consoling themselves with the thought that the deceased is now up in heaven getting confused for the Quaker Oats guy.

The deceased requested her remains be interred in the family fetus jar.

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Jim Heselden, Owner of The Segway Company

The incident, as drawn by the ultra-talented Grey Alexander.

 

Jim Heselden, owner of the Segway Company, is no longer owner of the Segway Company. Little did he know when he bought the company last December, that he’d be buying the farm last month.

Witnesses say Heselden was riding one of his scooters when it apparently scooted him over a 50-foot cliff into a river of scooter death.

Police found his body near the wrecked machine where paramedics pronounced him “hilarious”.

According to the investigation, officials said his multiple injuries were “consistent with that of an idiot’s.”

A generous man, Heselden is credited with donating over 1,000 Segways to disabled veterans who are now trying to donate them to the Taliban.

In case you’ve never driven one, you lean forward to go forward, lean back to go backward, and lean left to lurch suddenly down a 50 foot cliff into a ravine.

The scooter was the subject of a massive recall in 2006, due to a software glitch that could cause the unit to kill millionaires.

And back in 2003, the Segway image took a hit when George W. Bush fell off one while negotiating a particularly difficult footbridge over Barbara Bush’s cavernous vagina.

His death highlights five safety precautions riders should take when using a Segway:

Number One: Don’t buy one.

Number Two: If you do buy one, don’t buy one.

Number Three: Okay, so you bought one. Now put it in storage.

Number Four: Always wear brightly colored clothing so police can easily find your mangled body at the bottom of a 50 foot ravine.

Number Five: If you wake up in the middle of the night to find one hovering over your bed, do not make eye contact. Remember, as Judy Garland well documented in her experiences filming The Wizard of Oz, the little Segways are incorrigible pranksters who have insatiable sexual appetites. Try to distract its attention with cigars and alcohol. Then back away slowly while they pass out.

Family members can console themselves with the thought that right now, Heselden’s up in Heaven, jammin’ with somebody who also got killed by some funny invention. Yeah, I didn’t do a lot of research on that last joke.

Heselden requested his body be strapped to a Segway and stuck in a cornfield to scare away crows.