David P. Reynolds, Metal Head Headed Metal Company

Reynolds for WEB

Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2013

David Reynolds, the metal manufacturing executive who gave America aluminum foil, has finally wrapped up his life in a lead-lined coffin.

The 96 year-old was found suffocated inside a used Quaker Oats box after his son forgot to poke enough air holes in the foil cover.

Reynolds was cousin to tobacco king R.J. Reynolds, who sold the first aluminum filtered cigarette with the slogan, “Come To Where The Flavor Is. And Then Forget Where You Are Because Now You Have Alzheimer’s.”

An expert salesman, Reynolds liked to arrange public demonstrations to personally show customers how to preserve leftovers with his product, often enlisting the help of his wife to wrap his sausage.

A stern disciplinarian, Reynolds was known to keep employees in line by yelling, “Don’t forget who wears the foil hat at this company!”

Reynolds requested his remains be covered in order to prevent splatters, protect against over-browning, and help keep his body parts moist.

John Barron, Inventor of The ATM

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

John Barron, a Scotsman who over forty years ago invented the automated teller machine, is out of cash.

Witnesses say he died after an irate customer rammed a crowbar into his mouth-slot when he refused to dispense fifty dollars.

News of his death couldn’t be confirmed until four days after he was deposited at the morgue because the bank said they had to put a hold on his corpse.

Barron said he came up with the idea for ATMs after being locked out of his bank. He also said his invention was inspired by candy vending machines. Which begs the question: Which story is it, asshole?

In a recent interview, the 84 year-old Scottish inventor recalled how the original machines were so primitive, they only dispensed haggis.

Here’s an interesting factoid: the world’s highest ATM is located in Tibet at 5,000 meters.

The world’s lowest ATM is located 400 meters below sea level near the Dead Sea.

And the world’s stickiest is in Amsterdam. It is literally packed with semen.

Barron requested his body be dried and molded into a hard protective case containing four trays of twenty-dollar bills. Then placed near any dark area where people may gather to get robbed or kidnapped.

From The Archives: Michael Vale, Star of 100 Dunkin’ Donuts Commercials

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

“Time to make the coffin!”

Michael Vale, who for 15 years played Fred the Baker in over 100 Dunkin Donuts commercials, was found dead in his apartment with his eyes glazed, body twisted, and stomach swollen with a rich, tangy lemon filling.

Vale was forced to retire in 1997 when skeptical fans questioned whether someone could actually work that long at a donut shop without getting killed by a crack dealer.

Police officers were such a huge fan of Vale, they used to pull him over on the highway just to get an autograph, and if they were lucky, get a taste of his delicious donut hole.

When he was once asked by Entertainment Weekly if he had ever actually made donuts, Vale reportedly crouched down, strained his face and quipped: “I’m making one now, eraygh!” He was never asked for an interview again.

The deceased requested his body be dunked halfway into a giant vat of Sanka and then dropped from a freeway overpass onto somebody’s windshield as a joke.

From The Archives: Gerry Thomas, Inventor of the TV Dinner

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Stick a Fork in Him, He Was Done July 18, 2005

Gerry Thomas, the man who perfected the concept of putting dangerous amounts of fat, sodium and MSG into aluminum trays and freezing them so a generation of children could grow up insane in front of the television, died last month after finally tasting a Swanson Hungry Man dinner.

Witnesses say when doctors reached him, Thomas was warm on the outside, but still frozen solid in the middle.

Thomas’s original aluminum TV Dinner tray can now be seen in the Smithsonian Institution next to a diorama of the first domestic beating it caused.

In 1999 Thomas was honored for his invention when he was asked to press his hands and TV tray into the cement outside Grauman’s Chinese Theatre. Paramedics had to be called when Thomas mistook the lukewarm, half-congealed mixture for a pile of Swanson’s Potatoes & Beef Gravy.

The deceased requested his remains be crammed into a metal tray with the foil pealed back, and each organ sealed in a separate compartment to avoid mixing the liver gravy with his brain noodles.