General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, Oil Man

Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012

Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012


H. Norman Schwarzkopf, the general who became famous for restoring pride to Americans by reminding them what it was like to crush a nation armed with shitty weapons and even shittier troops, is dead of heart failure after a chunk of plaque failed to meet a U.N. deadline to leave his left ventricle.

The burly general had been living in Florida for several years in quiet retirement, aside from some embarrassing episodes when tourists mistook him for a manatee and tried to feed him cabbage.

When asked for his reaction, 88 year-old George H.W. Bush tried to pour a bowl of Jello into his bedpan.

Modest, but not known for his intellectual prowess, Schwarzkopf once said, “It doesn’t take a hero to order men into battle,” adding, “because a hero is a sandwich…Right?”

Once, when asked why his troops called him “Stormin’” Norman, he replied, “Because it rhymes with Norman. I dunno, get the fuck outta my face.” He was funny that way.

Schwarzkopf was treated for prostate cancer in 1993 and became a national spokesman for campaigns against the disease. Unfortunately, those campaigns usually involved massive aerial bombardment followed by a brutal, two-pronged commando assault thrusting deep up the patient’s ass.

Schwarzkopf requested his remaining life force be run out of Kuwait, boxed into a kill zone, and systematically incinerated on the Highway of Death – along with a busload of women and children.

From The Archives: Celebrity Dwarf, John Rice

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

John Rice, the self-made Florida millionaire who at 2 feet, 10 inches, was one of the world’s shortest twins, has died after falling off a footstool.

Over the last 25 years, Rice and his equally small brother Greg became millionaires doing infomercials and acting in TV and film –you know, mostly shorts.

As news of Rice’s death spread, flags all around the state were lowered to one-quarter staff.

Rice’s brother asked that John be remembered as the indomitable optimist who always saw every glass as less than half full.

Rice is survived by his brothers, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy and Happy.