Jonathan Bush: Failed Dancer, Worse Banker

Jonathan Bush, the only member of the Bush clan Democrats didn’t fully embrace because they couldn’t connect him to enough war crimes, is dead after spending a lifetime getting humiliated by his brother’s “David Cop-A-Feel” gag.  

His grief-stricken grandson, Billy Bush, announced the sad news after taking time off from immersing a palette full of Access Hollywood tapes into a large vat of Barbara Bush’s stomach acid.  

According to a spokesman for the Barbara Bush Foundation- not “foundation” as in “organization” or “group,” but “foundation” as in “three inches of makeup,” Bush died at his Florida estate of a congested wallet while trying to grope a sea manatee.

Following family tradition, Jonathan spent his formative years in Connecticut, graduating from Yale after flunking every class.

After serving two years in the Army believing everything he was told, Bush spent the next four and a half years as a singer and dancer, appearing in five versions of “Oklahoma!” All of them “Bad!”

Even though he never ran for political office, Bush helped raise a lot of money for the Republican Party -mostly by promising never to sing or dance again. 

True to his family name, Jonathan was no slacker when it came to helping drive the country into the toilet. And to do his part he spent most of his career as a fund manager.

The deceased requested his body be buried just out of reach of his older brother’s dead fingers. 

He Never Met a War He Didn’t Like

McCain PalinJohn McCain, the man who came close to giving Sarah Palin the presidency with one defective beat of his freeze-dried heart, just left a big, steaming bag of dog crap on America’s doorstep in the form of Donald Trump and the Tea Party.

A family spokesman said the deceased died surrounded by loved ones, 8 to 11 houses, and over 228 million Americans who can’t afford a $1,000 emergency.

Responding to the news with the predictable, gushy, effusive, sap-laden horse shit, both sides of the aisle praised the 35 years of public-service McCain spent courageously receiving the kind of medical care he fought so hard to deprive millions of desperate Americans.

When reached for comment, a bug-eyed Steve Schmidt was still breathing through his mouth and dropping his “T”s while Rachel Maddow teared up, bit her bottom lip, and tapped her pen for schmaltzy emphasis.

Sources say family members are consoling themselves with the thought that “John is now up in heaven where he can comfortably watch American troops spend an eternity in Iraq.”

A warrior to the end, McCain recently found the strength to thrust a final dagger into the dying Democratic party by telling Joe Biden to “stay in politics.”

Never one to shy away from criticizing his own party when it could make him look good, the straight talker had this to say about the Trump presidency: “I’m concerned about the state of the country.” You’d really think a war vet who unleashed Sarah Palin on the world might be more adept at anticipating danger.

A maverick himself, President Trump decided to cancel the tradition of flying the White House flag at half-staff after someone told him it wasn’t a tribute to the dead possum on his head.

Throughout his career, many critics labelled McCain a racist for backing white supremacist George Wallace Jr, supporting flying the Confederate flag, voting six times against divesting from South Africa’s apartheid regime, and pushing to rescind Martin Luther King Day. But at least he had enough respect for Asians to capitalize the word “gook.”

In a final nod to his celebrated Naval career, McCain requested he be allowed to crash his funeral five times.

McCain’s love for the Navy was so intense, he even reenlisted during his 2008 presidential campaign to serve on the USS Swift Boat.

Reflecting from his deathbed, the senator confessed his biggest regret in life was never weighing in on why DJ Khaled refuses to eat pussy.

After voting for the president’s agenda 83 percent of the time, the deceased ordered in characteristic mavericky manner that President Trump not be allowed to attend his funeral. To which a weary country sighed, “Like the Bush family’s better?”

Memorial services for the deceased will be announced once the undertaker can build the danged coffin! 

At McCain’s request, the service will include a rendition of ’Danny Boy’ sung by opera singer Renee Fleming. This is to be followed by a short set from the remaining members of  “The Keating 5 Combo” with Sheldon Adelson taking Al Cranston’s place on drums, Hank Kissinger filling in for John Glenn on vibes, and Oleh Tyahnybok taking McCain’s place on percussion, hand claps and swastika. 

McCain’s remains will lie in state in the Arizona Capitol before flip-flopping to the U.S. Capitol Rotunda and triangulating into a hole at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis.

UPDATE:
Plans for Sarah Palin to deliver the eulogy had to be canceled after a nationwide search failed to find a translator.

Partial List of Mavericky Pallbearers:
National Right to Life Committee
JPMorgan Chase & Co
Raytheon
Sheldon Adelson
Christian Coalition
Lockheed Martin
Goldman Sachs
Citigroup
AT&T
General Electric
Bank of America
FedEx Corp
PricewaterhouseCoopers
High-yield junk bonds

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Barbara Bush: A Nation Mourns And Eats Its Lunch

BUSHMy fellow Americans: Major combat operations in Barbara Bush have ended.
In the Battle of Life, time and a beef-heavy diet have prevailed.

And now our coalition of Earth’s natural elements is engaged in securing and deconstructing her cell structure. The tyrant has fallen. And Kennebunkport, Maine, is now free from her brooding presence at Mabel’s Clam Shack.

As Jesus once said: “No one can escape the relentless grab-ass of death.” And so, Barbara (Pierce) Bush, a First Lady whose main claim to fame was allowing two war criminals in and out of her bat-filled sniz, is now playing host to more beneficial parasites.

Known for bravely facing her many illnesses, Mrs. Bush once remarked, ”I have no fear of death because I know there is a great god,” -a motto later adopted by ISIS.

Close friends eulogized her as a “national treasure whose glaring frown could really light up the room.”

Upon hearing the news, Barack Obama declared her ankles “Too Big to Fail” in between giving speeches to hedge fund managers. Then he remembered he wasn’t president anymore.

Miss Barbara Pierce first met George Herbert Walker Bush in college and soon after they married. She later said George was the first man she ever kissed without reading his lips about no new taxes.

In 1946 their union brought forth a healthy baby boy, George Jr., inspiring her immortal words: “Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.”

But it wasn’t until she became First Lady that she took the world by storm with her Bess Truman charm and relentless grudge keeping.

Indeed, Mrs. Bush’s casual, down-to-earth manner soon earned her the label of “America’s grandmother” from those in the Bush administration. It’s not clear who they considered “America’s grandfather,” but I’m thinking maybe Joseph Goebbels.

Bereaved family members are consoling themselves with the thought that the deceased is now up in heaven getting confused for the Quaker Oats guy.

The deceased requested her remains be interred in the family fetus jar.

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(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

Frank Neuhauser, Winner Of The First National Spelling Bee

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


Frank Neuhauser, winner of the very first national spelling bee in 1925, is dead. D-E-A-D. Dead.

A family spokesperson said Neuhauser died of Myelodysplastic syndrome, a blood disease so hard to spell many doctors refuse to cure it.

In 1925 the eleven year-old Neuhauser won first prize by correctly spelling the word “gladiolus.” He then promptly returned home to endless schoolyard beatings because he correctly spelled the word “gladiolus.”

First prize included a trip to the White House to meet President Calvin Coolidge, where he quickly learned the word “boring.”

Since then, it’s been a tradition for contest winners to visit the president in office, including George W. Bush, who still insists “LMNOP” is one letter.

Neuhauser also won $500 in gold and a bicycle, which in today’s values would be equal to around $500 in gold and a bicycle.

Neuhauser requested his body be used in a sentence and buried within two minutes and thirty seconds.

Jim Heselden, Owner of The Segway Company

The incident, as drawn by the ultra-talented Grey Alexander.

 

Jim Heselden, owner of the Segway Company, is no longer owner of the Segway Company. Little did he know when he bought the company last December, that he’d be buying the farm last month.

Witnesses say Heselden was riding one of his scooters when it apparently scooted him over a 50-foot cliff into a river of scooter death.

Police found his body near the wrecked machine where paramedics pronounced him “hilarious”.

According to the investigation, officials said his multiple injuries were “consistent with that of an idiot’s.”

A generous man, Heselden is credited with donating over 1,000 Segways to disabled veterans who are now trying to donate them to the Taliban.

In case you’ve never driven one, you lean forward to go forward, lean back to go backward, and lean left to lurch suddenly down a 50 foot cliff into a ravine.

The scooter was the subject of a massive recall in 2006, due to a software glitch that could cause the unit to kill millionaires.

And back in 2003, the Segway image took a hit when George W. Bush fell off one while negotiating a particularly difficult footbridge over Barbara Bush’s cavernous vagina.

His death highlights five safety precautions riders should take when using a Segway:

Number One: Don’t buy one.

Number Two: If you do buy one, don’t buy one.

Number Three: Okay, so you bought one. Now put it in storage.

Number Four: Always wear brightly colored clothing so police can easily find your mangled body at the bottom of a 50 foot ravine.

Number Five: If you wake up in the middle of the night to find one hovering over your bed, do not make eye contact. Remember, as Judy Garland well documented in her experiences filming The Wizard of Oz, the little Segways are incorrigible pranksters who have insatiable sexual appetites. Try to distract its attention with cigars and alcohol. Then back away slowly while they pass out.

Family members can console themselves with the thought that right now, Heselden’s up in Heaven, jammin’ with somebody who also got killed by some funny invention. Yeah, I didn’t do a lot of research on that last joke.

Heselden requested his body be strapped to a Segway and stuck in a cornfield to scare away crows.