From The Archives: Ruth Siems, Inventor of Stove Top Stuffing

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Ruth Siems, the home economist who created Stove Top Stuffing and made it the most popular Thanksgiving leftover since vomit and domestic violence, died last week of a heart attack after “experimenting” with a vibrating turkey baster.

Stove Top Stuffing was first marketed by General Foods in March 1972, and proved to be so popular with the public, Nixon put it on his enemies list.

Friends say Siems first came up with the idea for Stove Top Stuffing while trying to figure out a way to make Thanksgiving more painful.

Easily prepared in just five minutes, Stove Top stuffing comes in a wide range of flavors, including “turkey,” “chicken,” “beef,” and “smelly uncle Harold.”

According to the official United States Patent description, Stove Top Stuffing’s secret lay in the crumb size. You see, if the dried bread crumb is too small, adding water to it makes a soggy mass; too large, and the result is gravel. In other words, people pay way too much attention to this kind of shit.

Siems requested her remains be toasted, crushed into eraser-sized lumps, and then rammed up the ass of a Butterball turkey so those cheap bastards at General Foods can finally taste the bitter revenge of a woman screwed out of 30 years of patent royalties.

From The Archives: Mike Yurosek, Inventor Of Baby Carrots

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Mike Yurosek, the inventor of those peeled “baby” carrots used around the world by heroin addicts trying to kick the habit, died last week after chomping down on his own niblet.

It was in 1986 when Yurosek first perfected a way to take misshapen and broken carrots that would ordinarily be discarded, and basically make a huge fortune out of trash.

The invention boosted carrot sales by 35%, inspiring Yurosek to further increase profits by miniaturizing wages.

Many less-successful Yurosek innovations followed, including “Baby, Baby Peas,” “Zuchinni-Weenies,” and the puzzling “Mushroom-Shaped Mushrooms.”

Thanks to Yurosek, Americans today are eating a lot more carrots than their parents did. They’re also eating a lot more insect parts and rat droppings, so I guess things have a way of balancing themselves out.

Yurosek was an active volunteer at religious organizations and could often be seen whittling down a knobby, misshapen crucifix into bite-sized pieces.

The deceased requested his body be dismembered, shaped into 2-inch segments, and pumped through pipes into a peeling tank for final polishing.