Eugene Polley, Inventor of The Wireless TV Remote Control

Eugene Polley, inventor of the wireless television remote control, is no longer in control of anything.

Polley died in Downers Grove, Ill of natural causes, if such a thing was ever possible in Downers Grove.

Small and frail, the elderly Polley alarmed family members late Tuesday night after getting lost in the couch. Medical examiners were quick to note dog-chew marks on Polley’s torso and a sticky film of hummus or something all over his face.

Invented in 1955, Polley’s Flash-Matic remote worked like a flashlight and was shaped like a snub-nosed revolver, something many Americans would later shove in their mouths after watching eight hours of shitty westerns.

Sadly, the 96 year-old died before he had a chance to finish his most important invention: a remote control for his diaper.

Polley’s family expect him to be buried sometime next week. That is, if anybody can get off their fat ass and stop watching TV long enough to do something.

Polley requested four photoelectric cells be implanted in his scrotum so when Jesus returns to earth, the light from his vengeful sword will activate the small electric motor at the base of his penis and change his tombstone to the Dumont network.

John Barron, Inventor of The ATM

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


John Barron, a Scotsman who over forty years ago invented the automated teller machine, is out of cash.

Witnesses say he died after an irate customer rammed a crowbar into his mouth-slot when he refused to dispense fifty dollars.

News of his death couldn’t be confirmed until four days after he was deposited at the morgue because the bank said they had to put a hold on his corpse.

Barron said he came up with the idea for ATMs after being locked out of his bank. He also said his invention was inspired by candy vending machines. Which begs the question: Which story is it, asshole?

In a recent interview, the 84 year-old Scottish inventor recalled how the original machines were so primitive, they only dispensed haggis.

Here’s an interesting factoid: the world’s highest ATM is located in Tibet at 5,000 meters.

The world’s lowest ATM is located 400 meters below sea level near the Dead Sea.

And the world’s stickiest is in Amsterdam. It is literally packed with semen.

Barron requested his body be dried and molded into a hard protective case containing four trays of twenty-dollar bills. Then placed near any dark area where people may gather to get robbed or kidnapped.

Osama bin-Laden, Billionaire Industrialist, Businessman, Entrepreneur, Religious Icon & Chick Magnet

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

 

Live Audio From Marc Maron’s WTF:

Osama bin-Laden, the shy yet dedicated business major who turned his father’s construction business into a worldwide concern, is dead at the age of 52 after guiding his head and chest areas at a speed of 600 miles an hour into two American bullets.

After his father died, Osama quickly immersed himself in all aspects of the construction industry. But it wasn’t until the mid 1990’s that he branched out into demolition.

The end finally came when Navy Seals found him hiding out between the two old vaudeville towns of Abbot-abad & Costello-abad.

Mr. Laden was officially declared dead on May 2nd, which is kinda strange because his Facebook page is still sending me invites to suicide bombings. What if there’s a conflict with one of Dane Cook’s events?

Speaking of mass murderers, can we finally dig up Ray Kroc and shoot him too?

The White House still insists President Obama refused to release bin-Laden’s death pictures for security reasons, and not because they were lost at the local Foto-Abottabad Mat.

According to the White House web site, there’s absolutely no way you can see bin-Laden’s death photos unless you upgrade to a premium subscription and download their assassination app.

Among the many items found in the compound were details of bin-Laden’s insidious new plot to make it so we “just can’t have nice things anymore.”

Navy Seals also found bin-Laden’s personal journal. Here are a few excerpts:

Dear Compound Diary,

9am: Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant ball of cotton candy, and when I woke up my beard was gone.

10am: Busy day today. Everyone’s running around like contractors with their heads cut off.

11am: I gotta get more exercise. Mustn’t let the guys see me get Fatwa.

2pm: Today wife #3 complained about being cooped up here and demanded I take her someplace she’s never been before. So I showed her the kitchen. Then I cut off her head.

3pm: What’s the deal with socks? How come there’s no “left” sock or “right” sock? There’s just… “socks!”

4pm: At first I had my doubts about this neighborhood, but I think this place is really gonna work out juuuust fine.

The deceased requested his body be buried at sea and washed up on the lagoon so Gilligan can accidentally bring him back to life.

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(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

Harry Wesley Coover Jr., Inventor of Super Glue

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


After a prolonged illness, Harry Wesley Coover Jr., the inventor of Super Glue, is now Super Dead.

Doctors fought bravely throughout his illness to reduce cranial swelling but no matter how hard they tried, they could never get his cap off.

Before long, they knew he only had a matter of days –mainly because of the pasty look on his face.

Coover’s wife was the first to discover the body. So naturally she became totally unglued.

A spokesman denied rumors he was discovered alone in his bedroom with his “Coover permanently stuck to a large stack of stroke mags.”

In a public tribute to his long career, the inventor was once described as “one of the true legends of the adhesive industry.” Of course this was immediately followed by derisive laughter.

Legend has it Coover invented Super Glue in 1951 after carelessly dropping a used pair of Walter Brennan’s underwear into a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

The original mixture consisted of monomers of Methyl-2-cyanoacrylate molecules with a molecular weight equal to or greater than 111.1. Whew, is it just me or are you gettin’ horny?

Over the years Coover’s Super Glue has repaired millions of everyday items, but sadly it could never mend a broken heart.

At his eulogy, Coover’s children recounted many fond memories of growing up in a happy home where the walls were always covered with patches of human skin.

Friends found the memorial very enjoyable.  And when it came time to bury him, everybody just had to stick around.

Coover requested his remains be placed in a brown paper bag so bored teens can use it for “kicks.”

Samuel T. Cohen, Inventor of The Neutron Bomb

Samuel T. Cohen, inventor of the neutron bomb, was found dead in his home after straining for days on what he tragically dubbed “my clam sausage ordnance.”

Paramedics were shocked to find his internal organs had completely disintegrated, leaving the surrounding skin remarkably intact.

Cohen developed his neutron bomb in the 1950s at the request of the government who wanted a way to kill enemy troops without harming buildings housing the world’s precious reserves of Hula Hoops.

His bomb’s main appeal was its lethal output of tiny neutral particles that can pass through buildings without notice. He dubbed these particles “Walter Mondales.”

Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev called Cohen’s invention the ultimate capitalist weapon, built “to kill a man in such a way that his suit will not be stained with blood, in order to appropriate the suit.” He then ruined the moment by banging his shoe on a table.

In 1981 President Ronald Reagan ordered 700 neutron warheads built to oppose the Soviet Union, and even had several of them tested on his brain.

Years later, President George H. W. Bush ordered the massive stockpile disarmed and stored safely inside his wife’s cast iron womb.

Mr. Cohen was married twice. His first marriage ended in divorce in 1952 after his wife caught him in bed with Fat Man and Little Boy.

Cohen requested his body be mistakenly dropped on an Iraqi wedding party and later denied.

From The Archives: Robert Kearns, Inventor of Intermittent Wipers

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Robert W. Kearns, beloved inventor of the intermittent rotating rubber-scraper mechanism responsible for squeegiing rain of the windshields of millions of automobiles, was found dead at his home completely wiped out.

By the time paramedics arrived, Kearns’ aged, cracked, and grit-filled body had already left unsightly streaks all over the house.

During the last few days of Kearns’ debilitating illness, witnesses say the inventor could barely pivot his arms back and forth long enough to wipe himself.

Though he is survived by six children, there is some evidence in earlier years that Kearns liked to swing his blade both ways.

There’s a lot more to this man’s life, but those are about all the cheap jokes I can come up with using the words “blade” “swing” and “wipe.”

Morrie Yohai, Inventor of the Cheez Doodle

Morrie Yohai, inventor of the Cheez Doodle, is now Cheez Deadle.

Doctors say his heart gave out after hours of straining through a particularly difficult doodle. By the time paramedics found his body it was already caked with a delicious yellow powder, and puffed to a delightful crunchy consistency.
Plus, he had cancer.

While Yohai took pride in his invention, his family says he was more interested in pursuing Jewish mysticism. As we all know, according to the Zohar, study of the Torah can only proceed along these three methods:

Peshat: Directly interpreting meaning.
Remez: Interpreting meaning through allegories.
Derash: Interpreting meaning by boiling it in vats, extruding it under high pressure through a narrow hole, and coating it with fake cheese.

Plus, he had cancer.

Yohai requested his body be ground up with the body of the guy who invented Cheez Whiz and used as a sexual lubricant for turtles.