Donald Rumsfeld: Language Expert, People Magazine’s 2002 “Sexiest Man Alive,” CNN’s “virtual rockstar”

Donald Rumsfeld, who famously claimed killing Saddam Hussein created “a more stable world,” is now decaying into 32 grams of nitrogen and 4 grams of potassium for every kilogram of dry body mass. At the height of his illness, the former defense secretary reportedly became shocked and awed over the known knowns and known unknowns attacking his adult diaper. 

Doctors listed the official cause of death as chronic “enhanced dying.” 

Echoing his earlier explanation for what happened at Abu Ghraib, Rumsfeld blamed his demise on “a small group of white blood cells who ran amok in the absence of adequate supervision by red blood cells.” 

On July 9, 1932, Donald Henry Rumsfeld was born in Evanston, Ill. to George and Jeanette Rumsfeld, who reportedly never had to strip nude at gunpoint and lie on top of other nude people.

Five years later the family moved to nearby Winnetka, where Donald and his sister attended both private and public schools. Teachers remembered them as polite and well-mannered kids who were never suspended nude from their dislocated shoulders, shocked by electrical wires attached to their genitals, or even raped with phosphorescent tubes while horrible music was playing.

An excellent student, Rumsfeld majored in political science and graduated from Princeton in 1954. That year he married his high school sweetheart, Joyce Pierson. Who as far as anyone can tell was never blindfolded and tied up and gagged while someone poured water down her throat.

In 2002, People Magazine included Rumsfeld in their annual “Sexiest Man Alive” issue. When asked why, the magazine said they were under the mistaken impression he’d fulfilled his dream of making everyone else dead.

On his deathbed, the man responsible for running the biggest foreign policy disaster in American history confided his only regret in life was never getting to witness Paul Wolfowitz lick his comb again.

He leaves behind three children, seven grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. Who, according to sources, were never threatened by attack dogs or forced to eat food from a toilet.

Friends and loved ones say they’re consoled by the thought that the former Metamucil CEO is now making thousands of worms regular. 

The deceased requested his remains be shrink-wrapped into bundles and stuffed inside a duffle bag containing Dick Cheney’s first heart and given to Halliburton contractors in Iraq. 

Jonathan Bush: Failed Dancer, Worse Banker

Jonathan Bush, the only member of the Bush clan Democrats didn’t fully embrace because they couldn’t connect him to enough war crimes, is dead after spending a lifetime getting humiliated by his brother’s “David Cop-A-Feel” gag.  

His grief-stricken grandson, Billy Bush, announced the sad news after taking time off from immersing a palette full of Access Hollywood tapes into a large vat of Barbara Bush’s stomach acid.  

According to a spokesman for the Barbara Bush Foundation- not “foundation” as in “organization” or “group,” but “foundation” as in “three inches of makeup,” Bush died at his Florida estate of a congested wallet while trying to grope a sea manatee.

Following family tradition, Jonathan spent his formative years in Connecticut, graduating from Yale after flunking every class.

After serving two years in the Army believing everything he was told, Bush spent the next four and a half years as a singer and dancer, appearing in five versions of “Oklahoma!” All of them “Bad!”

Even though he never ran for political office, Bush helped raise a lot of money for the Republican Party -mostly by promising never to sing or dance again. 

True to his family name, Jonathan was no slacker when it came to helping drive the country into the toilet. And to do his part he spent most of his career as a fund manager.

The deceased requested his body be buried just out of reach of his older brother’s dead fingers. 

George H. W. Bush: Yale Cheerleader, Disappointed Father, Spook

“I will never apologize for the United States — I don’t care what the facts are.”

George H. W. Bush, a man so dishonest and racist he even offended Roger Stone, is now spending the afterlife in a Bosch painting performing a ventriloquist act with Augusto Pinochet’s crow-emitting anus. 

The attending physician pronounced Mr. Bush dead after examining his body for a thousand points of rigor mortis.

Those at the scene recalled the former president’s final words as, ”Read my lips: no CPR.”

Totally bereft, son Jeb refused to accept the physician’s decision until he forced a feeding tube down his father’s throat.

Bush’s term as president was defined by his quick response to Saddam Hussein’s 1990 invasion of Kuwait when he assembled an impressive international coalition of 35 soldiers, two trucks and a rake.

In tribute to their father’s legacy, the Bush family requested Americans not remember any of the last 50 years.

To honor the deceased, President Trump called for a national day of mourning and closed Wall Street, a fitting tribute to the man whose son shut down the economy for 10 years.

Trump also decreed government agencies fly Old Glory at half-staff- as soon as he received a new shipment of flags from China. 

The 94 year-old Bush, who lived longer than any previous U.S. war criminal, is survived by his immediate loved-ones: a son named Marvin nobody talks about, MSNBC and CNN, FOX News, Oliver North, the Saudi royal family, and Ellen’s glass coffee table.

Bush requested his remains be grabbed by the ass after someone asks his corpse who his favorite magician is.

Oh, and Dan Quayle.

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He Never Met a War He Didn’t Like

McCain PalinJohn McCain, the man who came close to giving Sarah Palin the presidency with one defective beat of his freeze-dried heart, just left a big, steaming bag of dog crap on America’s doorstep in the form of Donald Trump and the Tea Party.

A family spokesman said the deceased died surrounded by loved ones, 8 to 11 houses, and over 228 million Americans who can’t afford a $1,000 emergency.

Responding to the news with the predictable, gushy, effusive, sap-laden horse shit, both sides of the aisle praised the 35 years of public-service McCain spent courageously receiving the kind of medical care he fought so hard to deprive millions of desperate Americans.

When reached for comment, a bug-eyed Steve Schmidt was still breathing through his mouth and dropping his “T”s while Rachel Maddow teared up, bit her bottom lip, and tapped her pen for schmaltzy emphasis.

Sources say family members are consoling themselves with the thought that “John is now up in heaven where he can comfortably watch American troops spend an eternity in Iraq.”

A warrior to the end, McCain recently found the strength to thrust a final dagger into the dying Democratic party by telling Joe Biden to “stay in politics.”

Never one to shy away from criticizing his own party when it could make him look good, the straight talker had this to say about the Trump presidency: “I’m concerned about the state of the country.” You’d really think a war vet who unleashed Sarah Palin on the world might be more adept at anticipating danger.

A maverick himself, President Trump decided to cancel the tradition of flying the White House flag at half-staff after someone told him it wasn’t a tribute to the dead possum on his head.

Throughout his career, many critics labelled McCain a racist for backing white supremacist George Wallace Jr, supporting flying the Confederate flag, voting six times against divesting from South Africa’s apartheid regime, and pushing to rescind Martin Luther King Day. But at least he had enough respect for Asians to capitalize the word “gook.”

In a final nod to his celebrated Naval career, McCain requested he be allowed to crash his funeral five times.

McCain’s love for the Navy was so intense, he even reenlisted during his 2008 presidential campaign to serve on the USS Swift Boat.

Reflecting from his deathbed, the senator confessed his biggest regret in life was never weighing in on why DJ Khaled refuses to eat pussy.

After voting for the president’s agenda 83 percent of the time, the deceased ordered in characteristic mavericky manner that President Trump not be allowed to attend his funeral. To which a weary country sighed, “Like the Bush family’s better?”

Memorial services for the deceased will be announced once the undertaker can build the danged coffin! 

At McCain’s request, the service will include a rendition of ’Danny Boy’ sung by opera singer Renee Fleming. This is to be followed by a short set from the remaining members of  “The Keating 5 Combo” with Sheldon Adelson taking Al Cranston’s place on drums, Hank Kissinger filling in for John Glenn on vibes, and Oleh Tyahnybok taking McCain’s place on percussion, hand claps and swastika. 

McCain’s remains will lie in state in the Arizona Capitol before flip-flopping to the U.S. Capitol Rotunda and triangulating into a hole at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis.

UPDATE:
Plans for Sarah Palin to deliver the eulogy had to be canceled after a nationwide search failed to find a translator.

Partial List of Mavericky Pallbearers:
National Right to Life Committee
JPMorgan Chase & Co
Raytheon
Sheldon Adelson
Christian Coalition
Lockheed Martin
Goldman Sachs
Citigroup
AT&T
General Electric
Bank of America
FedEx Corp
PricewaterhouseCoopers
High-yield junk bonds

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Barbara Bush: A Nation Mourns And Eats Its Lunch

BUSHMy fellow Americans: Major combat operations in Barbara Bush have ended.
In the Battle of Life, time and a beef-heavy diet have prevailed.

And now our coalition of Earth’s natural elements is engaged in securing and deconstructing her cell structure. The tyrant has fallen. And Kennebunkport, Maine, is now free from her brooding presence at Mabel’s Clam Shack.

As Jesus once said: “No one can escape the relentless grab-ass of death.” And so, Barbara (Pierce) Bush, a First Lady whose main claim to fame was allowing two war criminals in and out of her bat-filled sniz, is now playing host to more beneficial parasites.

Known for bravely facing her many illnesses, Mrs. Bush once remarked, ”I have no fear of death because I know there is a great god,” -a motto later adopted by ISIS.

Close friends eulogized her as a “national treasure whose glaring frown could really light up the room.”

Upon hearing the news, Barack Obama declared her ankles “Too Big to Fail” in between giving speeches to hedge fund managers. Then he remembered he wasn’t president anymore.

Miss Barbara Pierce first met George Herbert Walker Bush in college and soon after they married. She later said George was the first man she ever kissed without reading his lips about no new taxes.

In 1946 their union brought forth a healthy baby boy, George Jr., inspiring her immortal words: “Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.”

But it wasn’t until she became First Lady that she took the world by storm with her Bess Truman charm and relentless grudge keeping.

Indeed, Mrs. Bush’s casual, down-to-earth manner soon earned her the label of “America’s grandmother” from those in the Bush administration. It’s not clear who they considered “America’s grandfather,” but I’m thinking maybe Joseph Goebbels.

Bereaved family members are consoling themselves with the thought that the deceased is now up in heaven getting confused for the Quaker Oats guy.

The deceased requested her remains be interred in the family fetus jar.

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(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

Future Obit – Dick Cheney: Avid Hunter, Fitness Freak, Monster

ChENEYRichard Bruce “Dick” Cheney, the only human capable of using another person’s heart without caring who it previously belonged to, has finally died after years of being dead.

The former Philip Morris spokesmodel, who only recently called the Senate report on Bush-era torture “a crock” and “hooey,” is now buried under “a rock” where gophers are finding him “chewy.”

Still grieving, his daughters refused to accept their father’s demise, and instead referred to it as “Enhanced death.”

As a youth growing up in Wyoming, the plucky Cheney quickly showed his mettle by earning five military deferments and two DWIs.

He subsequently flunked out of Yale twice, inspiring his later Congressional vote against the creation of the U.S. Department of Education.

In 2011, Cheney published his biography “In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir,” in which he described himself as “the most powerful President in American History.”

Over the years he had five heart attacks, at least seven cardiovascular procedures and bypasses involving stents, grafting and implants, and at one point, was outfitted with an artificial blood pump leaving him without a pulse for a year and a half – but still, he never got a dinner.

The deceased requested his remains be buried next to proof of Saddam Hussein’s WMDs so nobody can ever find them.

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