Tag Archives: Jesus

Jan Crouch, Professional Money Raiser

Jan Crouch, who 43 years ago co-founded the world’s largest Christian television network with nothing more than a pocket full of hope, hair resembling the helmet Rick Moranis wore is Spaceballs, and $30,000 in fraudulently secured donations, is now crouching … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Eugene Polley, Inventor of The Wireless TV Remote Control

Eugene Polley, inventor of the wireless television remote control, is no longer in control of anything. Polley died in Downers Grove, Ill of natural causes, if such a thing was ever possible in Downers Grove. Small and frail, the elderly … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

From The Archives: Susan Atkins, Born Again Christian

Susan Atkins, whose fame stems mainly from the fact that she’s not nearly as cute as Squeaky Fromme, is dead Atkins lived a quiet, middle-class existence during her early years, singing in her church choir and helping out with numerous … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

From The Archives: Horace Hagedorn, Fertilizer Giant

Horace Hagedorn, beloved founder of Miracle-Gro plant food, became his own compost last week when he died at the age of 89. A source close to the family said Hagedorn passed mysteriously in the middle of the night, surrounded by … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Donald J. Tyson, Chicken Choker

Donald J. Tyson, visionary leader of Tyson Foods and instigator of the worst chicken holocaust since Kevin Smith’s last barbeque, is now on his way to processing. The man who made eating chicken almost as safe as living under Chernobyl’s … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment