Kingsport Tennessee

Osama bin-Laden, Billionaire Industrialist, Businessman, Entrepreneur, Religious Icon & Chick Magnet

/ Jim Earl / 2 Comments

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

 

Live Audio From Marc Maron’s WTF:

Osama bin-Laden, the shy yet dedicated business major who turned his father’s construction business into a worldwide concern, is dead at the age of 52 after guiding his head and chest areas at a speed of 600 miles an hour into two American bullets.

After his father died, Osama quickly immersed himself in all aspects of the construction industry. But it wasn’t until the mid 1990’s that he branched out into demolition.

The end finally came when Navy Seals found him hiding out between the two old vaudeville towns of Abbot-abad & Costello-abad.

Mr. Laden was officially declared dead on May 2nd, which is kinda strange because his Facebook page is still sending me invites to suicide bombings. What if there’s a conflict with one of Dane Cook’s events?

Speaking of mass murderers, can we finally dig up Ray Kroc and shoot him too?

The White House still insists President Obama refused to release bin-Laden’s death pictures for security reasons, and not because they were lost at the local Foto-Abottabad Mat.

According to the White House web site, there’s absolutely no way you can see bin-Laden’s death photos unless you upgrade to a premium subscription and download their assassination app.

Among the many items found in the compound were details of bin-Laden’s insidious new plot to make it so we “just can’t have nice things anymore.”

Navy Seals also found bin-Laden’s personal journal. Here are a few excerpts:

Dear Compound Diary,

9am: Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant ball of cotton candy, and when I woke up my beard was gone.

10am: Busy day today. Everyone’s running around like contractors with their heads cut off.

11am: I gotta get more exercise. Mustn’t let the guys see me get Fatwa.

2pm: Today wife #3 complained about being cooped up here and demanded I take her someplace she’s never been before. So I showed her the kitchen. Then I cut off her head.

3pm: What’s the deal with socks? How come there’s no “left” sock or “right” sock? There’s just… “socks!”

4pm: At first I had my doubts about this neighborhood, but I think this place is really gonna work out juuuust fine.

The deceased requested his body be buried at sea and washed up on the lagoon so Gilligan can accidentally bring him back to life.

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(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)

Harry Wesley Coover Jr., Inventor of Super Glue

/ Jim Earl / 1 Comment

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


After a prolonged illness, Harry Wesley Coover Jr., the inventor of Super Glue, is now Super Dead.

Doctors fought bravely throughout his illness to reduce cranial swelling but no matter how hard they tried, they could never get his cap off.

Before long, they knew he only had a matter of days –mainly because of the pasty look on his face.

Coover’s wife was the first to discover the body. So naturally she became totally unglued.

A spokesman denied rumors he was discovered alone in his bedroom with his “Coover permanently stuck to a large stack of stroke mags.”

In a public tribute to his long career, the inventor was once described as “one of the true legends of the adhesive industry.” Of course this was immediately followed by derisive laughter.

Legend has it Coover invented Super Glue in 1951 after carelessly dropping a used pair of Walter Brennan’s underwear into a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

The original mixture consisted of monomers of Methyl-2-cyanoacrylate molecules with a molecular weight equal to or greater than 111.1. Whew, is it just me or are you gettin’ horny?

Over the years Coover’s Super Glue has repaired millions of everyday items, but sadly it could never mend a broken heart.

At his eulogy, Coover’s children recounted many fond memories of growing up in a happy home where the walls were always covered with patches of human skin.

Friends found the memorial very enjoyable.  And when it came time to bury him, everybody just had to stick around.

Coover requested his remains be placed in a brown paper bag so bored teens can use it for “kicks.”