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Live Audio From Marc Maron’s WTF:
Osama bin-Laden, the shy yet dedicated business major who turned his father’s construction business into a worldwide concern, is dead at the age of 52 after guiding his head and chest areas at a speed of 600 miles an hour into two American bullets.
After his father died, Osama quickly immersed himself in all aspects of the construction industry. But it wasn’t until the mid 1990’s that he branched out into demolition.
The end finally came when Navy Seals found him hiding out between the two old vaudeville towns of Abbot-abad & Costello-abad.
Mr. Laden was officially declared dead on May 2nd, which is kinda strange because his Facebook page is still sending me invites to suicide bombings. What if there’s a conflict with one of Dane Cook’s events?
Speaking of mass murderers, can we finally dig up Ray Kroc and shoot him too?
The White House still insists President Obama refused to release bin-Laden’s death pictures for security reasons, and not because they were lost at the local Foto-Abottabad Mat.
According to the White House web site, there’s absolutely no way you can see bin-Laden’s death photos unless you upgrade to a premium subscription and download their assassination app.
Among the many items found in the compound were details of bin-Laden’s insidious new plot to make it so we “just can’t have nice things anymore.”
Navy Seals also found bin-Laden’s personal journal. Here are a few excerpts:
Dear Compound Diary,
9am: Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant ball of cotton candy, and when I woke up my beard was gone.
10am: Busy day today. Everyone’s running around like contractors with their heads cut off.
11am: I gotta get more exercise. Mustn’t let the guys see me get Fatwa.
2pm: Today wife #3 complained about being cooped up here and demanded I take her someplace she’s never been before. So I showed her the kitchen. Then I cut off her head.
3pm: What’s the deal with socks? How come there’s no “left” sock or “right” sock? There’s just… “socks!”
4pm: At first I had my doubts about this neighborhood, but I think this place is really gonna work out juuuust fine.
The deceased requested his body be buried at sea and washed up on the lagoon so Gilligan can accidentally bring him back to life.
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Morrie Yohai, inventor of the Cheez Doodle, is now Cheez Deadle.
Doctors say his heart gave out after hours of straining through a particularly difficult doodle. By the time paramedics found his body it was already caked with a delicious yellow powder, and puffed to a delightful crunchy consistency.
Plus, he had cancer.
While Yohai took pride in his invention, his family says he was more interested in pursuing Jewish mysticism. As we all know, according to the Zohar, study of the Torah can only proceed along these three methods:
Peshat: Directly interpreting meaning.
Remez: Interpreting meaning through allegories.
Derash: Interpreting meaning by boiling it in vats, extruding it under high pressure through a narrow hole, and coating it with fake cheese.
Plus, he had cancer.
Yohai requested his body be ground up with the body of the guy who invented Cheez Whiz and used as a sexual lubricant for turtles.