George H. W. Bush: Yale Cheerleader, Disappointed Father, Spook

“I will never apologize for the United States — I don’t care what the facts are.”

George H. W. Bush, a man so dishonest and racist he even offended Roger Stone, is now spending the afterlife in a Bosch painting performing a ventriloquist act with Augusto Pinochet’s crow-emitting anus. 

The attending physician pronounced Mr. Bush dead after examining his body for a thousand points of rigor mortis.

Those at the scene recalled the former president’s final words as, ”Read my lips: no CPR.”

Totally bereft, son Jeb refused to accept the physician’s decision until he forced a feeding tube down his father’s throat.

Bush’s term as president was defined by his quick response to Saddam Hussein’s 1990 invasion of Kuwait when he assembled an impressive international coalition of 35 soldiers, two trucks and a rake.

In tribute to their father’s legacy, the Bush family requested Americans not remember any of the last 50 years.

To honor the deceased, President Trump called for a national day of mourning and closed Wall Street, a fitting tribute to the man whose son shut down the economy for 10 years.

Trump also decreed government agencies fly Old Glory at half-staff- as soon as he received a new shipment of flags from China. 

The 94 year-old Bush, who lived longer than any previous U.S. war criminal, is survived by his immediate loved-ones: a son named Marvin nobody talks about, MSNBC and CNN, FOX News, Oliver North, the Saudi royal family, and Ellen’s glass coffee table.

Bush requested his remains be grabbed by the ass after someone asks his corpse who his favorite magician is.

Oh, and Dan Quayle.

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Donald J. Tyson, Chicken Choker

Donald J. Tyson, visionary leader of Tyson Foods and instigator of the worst chicken holocaust since Kevin Smith’s last barbeque, is now on his way to processing.

The man who made eating chicken almost as safe as living under Chernobyl’s concrete containment dome, was found dead in his home, his legs grotesquely pulled apart and looped over his freakishly large breast muscles as if someone had made a cruel wish.

The health department discovered his body buried beneath half a foot of fecal waste which apparently was scheduled to be cleaned out every 18 months.

As a young boy working on his father’s chicken ranch, Tyson knew there was something about poultry that he liked. But it wasn’t until he enrolled at the University of Arkansas that he truly embraced his love for cock.

Tyson later recalled he could never get enough cock. Though he was partial to white cock, Tyson soon grew to crave black cock as well. And the bigger the cock the better, he said.

In 1952, he married Twilla Womochil, which coincidentally is the sound a chicken makes when you crush its skull with a steel-toed boot.

Under his leadership, the company’s revenue increased from $51 million to more than $10 billion. And that’s more money than Jesus ever made with his stable of chickens.

In 2001 the company was charged with using illegal immigrants to work in its chicken processing plants. In his defense, Tyson claimed he was just using them for “nugget filler”.

Biographers note Tyson was often compared to fellow Arkansan Sam Walton, primarily because both were huge assholes.

Tyson requested bored employees stomp, kick, and slam his remains against a wall, but not before hanging him by his feet, cutting off his nose and mockingly playing baseball with his head.