Taliban

Osama bin-Laden, Billionaire Industrialist, Businessman, Entrepreneur, Religious Icon & Chick Magnet

/ Jim Earl / 2 Comments

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

 

Live Audio From Marc Maron’s WTF:

Osama bin-Laden, the shy yet dedicated business major who turned his father’s construction business into a worldwide concern, is dead at the age of 52 after guiding his head and chest areas at a speed of 600 miles an hour into two American bullets.

After his father died, Osama quickly immersed himself in all aspects of the construction industry. But it wasn’t until the mid 1990’s that he branched out into demolition.

The end finally came when Navy Seals found him hiding out between the two old vaudeville towns of Abbot-abad & Costello-abad.

Mr. Laden was officially declared dead on May 2nd, which is kinda strange because his Facebook page is still sending me invites to suicide bombings. What if there’s a conflict with one of Dane Cook’s events?

Speaking of mass murderers, can we finally dig up Ray Kroc and shoot him too?

The White House still insists President Obama refused to release bin-Laden’s death pictures for security reasons, and not because they were lost at the local Foto-Abottabad Mat.

According to the White House web site, there’s absolutely no way you can see bin-Laden’s death photos unless you upgrade to a premium subscription and download their assassination app.

Among the many items found in the compound were details of bin-Laden’s insidious new plot to make it so we “just can’t have nice things anymore.”

Navy Seals also found bin-Laden’s personal journal. Here are a few excerpts:

Dear Compound Diary,

9am: Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant ball of cotton candy, and when I woke up my beard was gone.

10am: Busy day today. Everyone’s running around like contractors with their heads cut off.

11am: I gotta get more exercise. Mustn’t let the guys see me get Fatwa.

2pm: Today wife #3 complained about being cooped up here and demanded I take her someplace she’s never been before. So I showed her the kitchen. Then I cut off her head.

3pm: What’s the deal with socks? How come there’s no “left” sock or “right” sock? There’s just… “socks!”

4pm: At first I had my doubts about this neighborhood, but I think this place is really gonna work out juuuust fine.

The deceased requested his body be buried at sea and washed up on the lagoon so Gilligan can accidentally bring him back to life.

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Jim Heselden, Owner of The Segway Company

/ Jim Earl / 2 Comments

The incident, as drawn by the ultra-talented Grey Alexander.

 

Jim Heselden, owner of the Segway Company, is no longer owner of the Segway Company. Little did he know when he bought the company last December, that he’d be buying the farm last month.

Witnesses say Heselden was riding one of his scooters when it apparently scooted him over a 50-foot cliff into a river of scooter death.

Police found his body near the wrecked machine where paramedics pronounced him “hilarious”.

According to the investigation, officials said his multiple injuries were “consistent with that of an idiot’s.”

A generous man, Heselden is credited with donating over 1,000 Segways to disabled veterans who are now trying to donate them to the Taliban.

In case you’ve never driven one, you lean forward to go forward, lean back to go backward, and lean left to lurch suddenly down a 50 foot cliff into a ravine.

The scooter was the subject of a massive recall in 2006, due to a software glitch that could cause the unit to kill millionaires.

And back in 2003, the Segway image took a hit when George W. Bush fell off one while negotiating a particularly difficult footbridge over Barbara Bush’s cavernous vagina.

His death highlights five safety precautions riders should take when using a Segway:

Number One: Don’t buy one.

Number Two: If you do buy one, don’t buy one.

Number Three: Okay, so you bought one. Now put it in storage.

Number Four: Always wear brightly colored clothing so police can easily find your mangled body at the bottom of a 50 foot ravine.

Number Five: If you wake up in the middle of the night to find one hovering over your bed, do not make eye contact. Remember, as Judy Garland well documented in her experiences filming The Wizard of Oz, the little Segways are incorrigible pranksters who have insatiable sexual appetites. Try to distract its attention with cigars and alcohol. Then back away slowly while they pass out.

Family members can console themselves with the thought that right now, Heselden’s up in Heaven, jammin’ with somebody who also got killed by some funny invention. Yeah, I didn’t do a lot of research on that last joke.

Heselden requested his body be strapped to a Segway and stuck in a cornfield to scare away crows.