Barbara Bush: A Nation Mourns And Eats Its Lunch

BUSHMy fellow Americans: Major combat operations in Barbara Bush have ended.
In the Battle of Life, time and a beef-heavy diet have prevailed.

And now our coalition of Earth’s natural elements is engaged in securing and deconstructing her cell structure. The tyrant has fallen. And Kennebunkport, Maine, is now free from her brooding presence at Mabel’s Clam Shack.

As Jesus once said: “No one can escape the relentless grab-ass of death.” And so, Barbara (Pierce) Bush, a First Lady whose main claim to fame was allowing two war criminals in and out of her bat-filled sniz, is now playing host to more beneficial parasites.

Known for bravely facing her many illnesses, Mrs. Bush once remarked, ”I have no fear of death because I know there is a great god,” -a motto later adopted by ISIS.

Close friends eulogized her as a “national treasure whose glaring frown could really light up the room.”

Upon hearing the news, Barack Obama declared her ankles “Too Big to Fail” in between giving speeches to hedge fund managers. Then he remembered he wasn’t president anymore.

Miss Barbara Pierce first met George Herbert Walker Bush in college and soon after they married. She later said George was the first man she ever kissed without reading his lips about no new taxes.

In 1946 their union brought forth a healthy baby boy, George Jr., inspiring her immortal words: “Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.”

But it wasn’t until she became First Lady that she took the world by storm with her Bess Truman charm and relentless grudge keeping.

Indeed, Mrs. Bush’s casual, down-to-earth manner soon earned her the label of “America’s grandmother” from those in the Bush administration. It’s not clear who they considered “America’s grandfather,” but I’m thinking maybe Joseph Goebbels.

Bereaved family members are consoling themselves with the thought that the deceased is now up in heaven getting confused for the Quaker Oats guy.

The deceased requested her remains be interred in the family fetus jar.

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but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
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Osama bin-Laden, Billionaire Industrialist, Businessman, Entrepreneur, Religious Icon & Chick Magnet

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

 

Live Audio From Marc Maron’s WTF:

Osama bin-Laden, the shy yet dedicated business major who turned his father’s construction business into a worldwide concern, is dead at the age of 52 after guiding his head and chest areas at a speed of 600 miles an hour into two American bullets.

After his father died, Osama quickly immersed himself in all aspects of the construction industry. But it wasn’t until the mid 1990’s that he branched out into demolition.

The end finally came when Navy Seals found him hiding out between the two old vaudeville towns of Abbot-abad & Costello-abad.

Mr. Laden was officially declared dead on May 2nd, which is kinda strange because his Facebook page is still sending me invites to suicide bombings. What if there’s a conflict with one of Dane Cook’s events?

Speaking of mass murderers, can we finally dig up Ray Kroc and shoot him too?

The White House still insists President Obama refused to release bin-Laden’s death pictures for security reasons, and not because they were lost at the local Foto-Abottabad Mat.

According to the White House web site, there’s absolutely no way you can see bin-Laden’s death photos unless you upgrade to a premium subscription and download their assassination app.

Among the many items found in the compound were details of bin-Laden’s insidious new plot to make it so we “just can’t have nice things anymore.”

Navy Seals also found bin-Laden’s personal journal. Here are a few excerpts:

Dear Compound Diary,

9am: Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant ball of cotton candy, and when I woke up my beard was gone.

10am: Busy day today. Everyone’s running around like contractors with their heads cut off.

11am: I gotta get more exercise. Mustn’t let the guys see me get Fatwa.

2pm: Today wife #3 complained about being cooped up here and demanded I take her someplace she’s never been before. So I showed her the kitchen. Then I cut off her head.

3pm: What’s the deal with socks? How come there’s no “left” sock or “right” sock? There’s just… “socks!”

4pm: At first I had my doubts about this neighborhood, but I think this place is really gonna work out juuuust fine.

The deceased requested his body be buried at sea and washed up on the lagoon so Gilligan can accidentally bring him back to life.

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All Contents of This Site Copyright © 2010-Eternity by Jim Earl

(Please note: the freakin' book contains HUNDREDS of obits,
but obviously not some of the most recent ones published 
in this blog.)