Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
Ruth Siems, the home economist who created Stove Top Stuffing and made it the most popular Thanksgiving leftover since vomit and domestic violence, died last week of a heart attack after “experimenting” with a vibrating turkey baster.
Stove Top Stuffing was first marketed by General Foods in March 1972, and proved to be so popular with the public, Nixon put it on his enemies list.
Friends say Siems first came up with the idea for Stove Top Stuffing while trying to figure out a way to make Thanksgiving more painful.
Easily prepared in just five minutes, Stove Top stuffing comes in a wide range of flavors, including “turkey,” “chicken,” “beef,” and “smelly uncle Harold.”
According to the official United States Patent description, Stove Top Stuffing’s secret lay in the crumb size. You see, if the dried bread crumb is too small, adding water to it makes a soggy mass; too large, and the result is gravel. In other words, people pay way too much attention to this kind of shit.
Siems requested her remains be toasted, crushed into eraser-sized lumps, and then rammed up the ass of a Butterball turkey so those cheap bastards at General Foods can finally taste the bitter revenge of a woman screwed out of 30 years of patent royalties.
Ronald Howes, inventor of Kenner’s Easy-Bake oven, finally burst an artery last week after waiting three aggravating months for a 30-watt bulb to cook his brownie.
Friends say the toy oven inventor lived a long, productive life before dying at 83… degrees.
Howes first got the idea for his invention in 1963 after realizing that any nation dumb enough to swallow the lone gunman theory would be more than willing to let their children be swindled by a cheap plastic box with a lightbulb in it.
According to his son, one of Howes’ first jobs at Kenner Toys was to remove potentially poisonous chemicals from cans of Play-Doh and inject them into the sad, withered teats of Milky The Marvelous Milking Cow.
Over the years Howes invented many toys, including Kenner’s Easy-Tan, in which kids could create their own tans simply by mixing water with packets of John Boehner’s skin flakes.
Howes also helped perfect the Spirograph. A toy that used a set of precision plastic gears, rings and triangles to geometrically depict the downward spiral of Spiro Agnew’s career.
In 2008 almost 1 million Easy-Bake Ovens had to be recalled for safety reasons. Apparently children were suffering serious cuts and scratches when they tried to force the family cat into the broiler.
Howes requested his body be inserted into the side of the local crematorium, pushed out a slot at the other end, and consumed by a generation of kids vainly seeking to fill the bottomless void of a loveless childhood. Happy Thanksgiving!