Tag Archives: United States

David P. Reynolds, Metal Head Headed Metal Company

David Reynolds, the metal manufacturing executive who gave America aluminum foil, has finally wrapped up his life in a lead-lined coffin. The 96 year-old was found suffocated inside a used Quaker Oats box after his son forgot to poke enough … Continue reading

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General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, Oil Man

H. Norman Schwarzkopf, the general who became famous for restoring pride to Americans by reminding them what it was like to crush a nation armed with shitty weapons and even shittier troops, is dead of heart failure after a chunk … Continue reading

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Eugene Polley, Inventor of The Wireless TV Remote Control

Eugene Polley, inventor of the wireless television remote control, is no longer in control of anything. Polley died in Downers Grove, Ill of natural causes, if such a thing was ever possible in Downers Grove. Small and frail, the elderly … Continue reading

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From The Archives: Ruth Siems, Inventor of Stove Top Stuffing

Ruth Siems, the home economist who created Stove Top Stuffing and made it the most popular Thanksgiving leftover since vomit and domestic violence, died last week of a heart attack after “experimenting” with a vibrating turkey baster. Stove Top Stuffing … Continue reading

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From The Archives: Mike Yurosek, Inventor Of Baby Carrots

Mike Yurosek, the inventor of those peeled “baby” carrots used around the world by heroin addicts trying to kick the habit, died last week after chomping down on his own niblet. It was in 1986 when Yurosek first perfected a … Continue reading

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Frank Neuhauser, Winner Of The First National Spelling Bee

Frank Neuhauser, winner of the very first national spelling bee in 1925, is dead. D-E-A-D. Dead. A family spokesperson said Neuhauser died of Myelodysplastic syndrome, a blood disease so hard to spell many doctors refuse to cure it. In 1925 … Continue reading

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From The Archives: Ben Hogan, Golf Legend

Ben Hogan, considered the greatest golfer in the history of sports, is dead after suffering a massive pulmonary embolism, or the kind of stroke from which no golfer could ever recover. Hogan first discovered golf during puberty when he hit … Continue reading

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