Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2013
David Reynolds, the metal manufacturing executive who gave America aluminum foil, has finally wrapped up his life in a lead-lined coffin.
The 96 year-old was found suffocated inside a used Quaker Oats box after his son forgot to poke enough air holes in the foil cover.
Reynolds was cousin to tobacco king R.J. Reynolds, who sold the first aluminum filtered cigarette with the slogan, “Come To Where The Flavor Is. And Then Forget Where You Are Because Now You Have Alzheimer’s.”
An expert salesman, Reynolds liked to arrange public demonstrations to personally show customers how to preserve leftovers with his product, often enlisting the help of his wife to wrap his sausage.
A stern disciplinarian, Reynolds was known to keep employees in line by yelling, “Don’t forget who wears the foil hat at this company!”
Reynolds requested his remains be covered in order to prevent splatters, protect against over-browning, and help keep his body parts moist.
Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012
H. Norman Schwarzkopf, the general who became famous for restoring pride to Americans by reminding them what it was like to crush a nation armed with shitty weapons and even shittier troops, is dead of heart failure after a chunk of plaque failed to meet a U.N. deadline to leave his left ventricle.
The burly general had been living in Florida for several years in quiet retirement, aside from some embarrassing episodes when tourists mistook him for a manatee and tried to feed him cabbage.
When asked for his reaction, 88 year-old George H.W. Bush tried to pour a bowl of Jello into his bedpan.
Modest, but not known for his intellectual prowess, Schwarzkopf once said, “It doesn’t take a hero to order men into battle,” adding, “because a hero is a sandwich…Right?”
Once, when asked why his troops called him “Stormin’” Norman, he replied, “Because it rhymes with Norman. I dunno, get the fuck outta my face.” He was funny that way.
Schwarzkopf was treated for prostate cancer in 1993 and became a national spokesman for campaigns against the disease. Unfortunately, those campaigns usually involved massive aerial bombardment followed by a brutal, two-pronged commando assault thrusting deep up the patient’s ass.
Schwarzkopf requested his remaining life force be run out of Kuwait, boxed into a kill zone, and systematically incinerated on the Highway of Death – along with a busload of women and children.
Eugene Polley, inventor of the wireless television remote control, is no longer in control of anything.
Polley died in Downers Grove, Ill of natural causes, if such a thing was ever possible in Downers Grove.
Small and frail, the elderly Polley alarmed family members late Tuesday night after getting lost in the couch. Medical examiners were quick to note dog-chew marks on Polley’s torso and a sticky film of hummus or something all over his face.
Invented in 1955, Polley’s Flash-Matic remote worked like a flashlight and was shaped like a snub-nosed revolver, something many Americans would later shove in their mouths after watching eight hours of shitty westerns.
Sadly, the 96 year-old died before he had a chance to finish his most important invention: a remote control for his diaper.
Polley’s family expect him to be buried sometime next week. That is, if anybody can get off their fat ass and stop watching TV long enough to do something.
Polley requested four photoelectric cells be implanted in his scrotum so when Jesus returns to earth, the light from his vengeful sword will activate the small electric motor at the base of his penis and change his tombstone to the Dumont network.
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
Ruth Siems, the home economist who created Stove Top Stuffing and made it the most popular Thanksgiving leftover since vomit and domestic violence, died last week of a heart attack after “experimenting” with a vibrating turkey baster.
Stove Top Stuffing was first marketed by General Foods in March 1972, and proved to be so popular with the public, Nixon put it on his enemies list.
Friends say Siems first came up with the idea for Stove Top Stuffing while trying to figure out a way to make Thanksgiving more painful.
Easily prepared in just five minutes, Stove Top stuffing comes in a wide range of flavors, including “turkey,” “chicken,” “beef,” and “smelly uncle Harold.”
According to the official United States Patent description, Stove Top Stuffing’s secret lay in the crumb size. You see, if the dried bread crumb is too small, adding water to it makes a soggy mass; too large, and the result is gravel. In other words, people pay way too much attention to this kind of shit.
Siems requested her remains be toasted, crushed into eraser-sized lumps, and then rammed up the ass of a Butterball turkey so those cheap bastards at General Foods can finally taste the bitter revenge of a woman screwed out of 30 years of patent royalties.
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
Mike Yurosek, the inventor of those peeled “baby” carrots used around the world by heroin addicts trying to kick the habit, died last week after chomping down on his own niblet.
It was in 1986 when Yurosek first perfected a way to take misshapen and broken carrots that would ordinarily be discarded, and basically make a huge fortune out of trash.
The invention boosted carrot sales by 35%, inspiring Yurosek to further increase profits by miniaturizing wages.
Many less-successful Yurosek innovations followed, including “Baby, Baby Peas,” “Zuchinni-Weenies,” and the puzzling “Mushroom-Shaped Mushrooms.”
Thanks to Yurosek, Americans today are eating a lot more carrots than their parents did. They’re also eating a lot more insect parts and rat droppings, so I guess things have a way of balancing themselves out.
Yurosek was an active volunteer at religious organizations and could often be seen whittling down a knobby, misshapen crucifix into bite-sized pieces.
The deceased requested his body be dismembered, shaped into 2-inch segments, and pumped through pipes into a peeling tank for final polishing.
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
Frank Neuhauser, winner of the very first national spelling bee in 1925, is dead. D-E-A-D. Dead.
A family spokesperson said Neuhauser died of Myelodysplastic syndrome, a blood disease so hard to spell many doctors refuse to cure it.
In 1925 the eleven year-old Neuhauser won first prize by correctly spelling the word “gladiolus.” He then promptly returned home to endless schoolyard beatings because he correctly spelled the word “gladiolus.”
First prize included a trip to the White House to meet President Calvin Coolidge, where he quickly learned the word “boring.”
Since then, it’s been a tradition for contest winners to visit the president in office, including George W. Bush, who still insists “LMNOP” is one letter.
Neuhauser also won $500 in gold and a bicycle, which in today’s values would be equal to around $500 in gold and a bicycle.
Neuhauser requested his body be used in a sentence and buried within two minutes and thirty seconds.
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
Ben Hogan, considered the greatest golfer in the history of sports, is dead after suffering a massive pulmonary embolism, or the kind of stroke from which no golfer could ever recover.
Hogan first discovered golf during puberty when he hit two good balls after stepping on a rake.
Even after enduring countless jokes like that, Hogan remained dedicated to the sport. And during the succeeding years he often spent the days “noodling” with his “little putter” in order to cut a “hard wood.” For extra hilarity, please re-read that last sentence aloud while emphasizing the words in quotes.
He finally won his first tournament in 1938. But the winnings were slim back in the depression and all he received for his effort was a bowl of soup and a tumbleweed.
Hogan’s life was not without hardship. During his later years, he suffered from elephantiasis and had to carry his bag around in a wheelbarrow.
During his illustrious career, Hogan won 63 tournaments, including nine major championships. But perhaps his greatest accomplishment was making golf the second most tedious sport to watch on TV after bowling.
For those of you not familiar with golf, the object of the game is to propel a small ball around a lawn using as little physical exertion as possible while making foreign policy decisions prolonging the Vietnam War.
Hogan requested his mashie niblet be preserved in a jar of formaldehyde right next to his father’s mummified cleek..
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
It’s Howdy Deady time.
Lew Anderson, whose mischievous antics as the loveable Clarabell made an indelible impression on future clowns like Courtney Love, is now jammin’ up in Heaven with John Wayne Gacy.
Anderson’s popular character, Clarabell, became famous for communicating with others using horn toots and water squirts -two things Anderson started doing again when he turned 80.
Many believe Anderson’s portrayal of Clarabell as a mute was a stroke of comedic genius. Or just the producer’s little way of never having to pay scale.
A distinctive feature of the hit show were the on-stage bleachers of 40 kids called the “Peanut Gallery,” so-named because “Fear-Poop Arcade” just didn’t seem appropriate.
Anderson requested he also be remembered for a lifetime spent working as a respected and accomplished jazz musician. Buuut I don’t think that’s gonna happen.
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
Live Audio From Marc Maron’s WTF:
Osama bin-Laden, the shy yet dedicated business major who turned his father’s construction business into a worldwide concern, is dead at the age of 52 after guiding his head and chest areas at a speed of 600 miles an hour into two American bullets.
After his father died, Osama quickly immersed himself in all aspects of the construction industry. But it wasn’t until the mid 1990’s that he branched out into demolition.
The end finally came when Navy Seals found him hiding out between the two old vaudeville towns of Abbot-abad & Costello-abad.
Mr. Laden was officially declared dead on May 2nd, which is kinda strange because his Facebook page is still sending me invites to suicide bombings. What if there’s a conflict with one of Dane Cook’s events?
Speaking of mass murderers, can we finally dig up Ray Kroc and shoot him too?
The White House still insists President Obama refused to release bin-Laden’s death pictures for security reasons, and not because they were lost at the local Foto-Abottabad Mat.
According to the White House web site, there’s absolutely no way you can see bin-Laden’s death photos unless you upgrade to a premium subscription and download their assassination app.
Among the many items found in the compound were details of bin-Laden’s insidious new plot to make it so we “just can’t have nice things anymore.”
Navy Seals also found bin-Laden’s personal journal. Here are a few excerpts:
Dear Compound Diary,
9am: Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant ball of cotton candy, and when I woke up my beard was gone.
10am: Busy day today. Everyone’s running around like contractors with their heads cut off.
11am: I gotta get more exercise. Mustn’t let the guys see me get Fatwa.
2pm: Today wife #3 complained about being cooped up here and demanded I take her someplace she’s never been before. So I showed her the kitchen. Then I cut off her head.
3pm: What’s the deal with socks? How come there’s no “left” sock or “right” sock? There’s just… “socks!”
4pm: At first I had my doubts about this neighborhood, but I think this place is really gonna work out juuuust fine.
The deceased requested his body be buried at sea and washed up on the lagoon so Gilligan can accidentally bring him back to life.
Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011
Horace Hagedorn, beloved founder of Miracle-Gro plant food, became his own compost last week when he died at the age of 89.
A source close to the family said Hagedorn passed mysteriously in the middle of the night, surrounded by millions of dead sardines.
Over the years, trust, loyalty and recognition for the Miracle-Gro brand grew to such heights, that in the 1960s, Hagedorn was inspired to come up with the motto, “Miracle-Gro doesn’t have customers, it has fans.” This was quickly followed up with the mottos, “Miracle-Gro is bigger than Jesus” and “I am the lizard king. Who’s gonna come up here and love my ass?”
Through his leadership, Mr. Hagedorn built Miracle-Gro into a giant chemical conglomerate, and also one of the world’s foremost sources of dead birds, deformed testicles, and children born without eyes.
Today, Mr. Hagedorn’s popular blue fertilizer is used by millions of gardeners around the world, in addition to an ever-growing number of Idaho militias and paramilitary groups.
Hagedorn requested his ashes be applied in a two-inch layer beneath a tulip bulb.
Mourning Remembrance 