Donald Rumsfeld: Language Expert, People Magazine’s 2002 “Sexiest Man Alive,” CNN’s “virtual rockstar”

Donald Rumsfeld, who famously claimed killing Saddam Hussein created “a more stable world,” is now decaying into 32 grams of nitrogen and 4 grams of potassium for every kilogram of dry body mass. At the height of his illness, the former defense secretary reportedly became shocked and awed over the known knowns and known unknowns attacking his adult diaper. 

Doctors listed the official cause of death as chronic “enhanced dying.” 

Echoing his earlier explanation for what happened at Abu Ghraib, Rumsfeld blamed his demise on “a small group of white blood cells who ran amok in the absence of adequate supervision by red blood cells.” 

On July 9, 1932, Donald Henry Rumsfeld was born in Evanston, Ill. to George and Jeanette Rumsfeld, who reportedly never had to strip nude at gunpoint and lie on top of other nude people.

Five years later the family moved to nearby Winnetka, where Donald and his sister attended both private and public schools. Teachers remembered them as polite and well-mannered kids who were never suspended nude from their dislocated shoulders, shocked by electrical wires attached to their genitals, or even raped with phosphorescent tubes while horrible music was playing.

An excellent student, Rumsfeld majored in political science and graduated from Princeton in 1954. That year he married his high school sweetheart, Joyce Pierson. Who as far as anyone can tell was never blindfolded and tied up and gagged while someone poured water down her throat.

In 2002, People Magazine included Rumsfeld in their annual “Sexiest Man Alive” issue. When asked why, the magazine said they were under the mistaken impression he’d fulfilled his dream of making everyone else dead.

On his deathbed, the man responsible for running the biggest foreign policy disaster in American history confided his only regret in life was never getting to witness Paul Wolfowitz lick his comb again.

He leaves behind three children, seven grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. Who, according to sources, were never threatened by attack dogs or forced to eat food from a toilet.

Friends and loved ones say they’re consoled by the thought that the former Metamucil CEO is now making thousands of worms regular. 

The deceased requested his remains be shrink-wrapped into bundles and stuffed inside a duffle bag containing Dick Cheney’s first heart and given to Halliburton contractors in Iraq. 

Future Obit – Dick Cheney: Avid Hunter, Fitness Freak, Monster

ChENEYRichard Bruce “Dick” Cheney, the only human capable of using another person’s heart without caring who it previously belonged to, has finally died after years of being dead.

The former Philip Morris spokesmodel, who only recently called the Senate report on Bush-era torture “a crock” and “hooey,” is now buried under “a rock” where gophers are finding him “chewy.”

Still grieving, his daughters refused to accept their father’s demise, and instead referred to it as “Enhanced death.”

As a youth growing up in Wyoming, the plucky Cheney quickly showed his mettle by earning five military deferments and two DWIs.

He subsequently flunked out of Yale twice, inspiring his later Congressional vote against the creation of the U.S. Department of Education.

In 2011, Cheney published his biography “In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir,” in which he described himself as “the most powerful President in American History.”

Over the years he had five heart attacks, at least seven cardiovascular procedures and bypasses involving stents, grafting and implants, and at one point, was outfitted with an artificial blood pump leaving him without a pulse for a year and a half – but still, he never got a dinner.

The deceased requested his remains be buried next to proof of Saddam Hussein’s WMDs so nobody can ever find them.