S. Truett Cathy, Founder of Chick-fil-A

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Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2014

S. Truett Cathy, the Southern entrepreneur who in one lifetime transformed a small, hometown business into a global symbol of homophobia and cancerous lab rats, is now undergoing death conversion therapy.

Chick-fil-A announced Cathy’s demise but refused to disclose the exact cause explaining, “It would take too long to list all the ingredients.”

Truett Cathy is credited with inventing the first fast-food chicken sandwich. It may not sound like much, but it sure beats taking the rap for a series of mysterious smothering deaths in the early ‘50s.

In 1964, Cathy presented First Lady, Lady Bird Johnson, with a Chick-fil-A sandwich during her visit to Georgia. One year later 2,000 American soldiers died in Vietnam. Coincidence?

The devout Southern Baptist became famous for closing his stores on Sundays so employees could spend more time at home with their families, and in the process, learn to hate life.

The company’s official statement of corporate purpose says that the business exists, “To glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us. And to make him really fat.”

Interesting Funtoid: The chain’s advertising slogan, “Eat mor chikin,” contains the deliberately misspelled words “more” and “chicken” so they can legally get around actually offering customers “more” “chicken.”

Cathy requested his body be breaded and de-boned, and his soft, white buns delicately buttered and garnished with nothing more than a couple of pickles.

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Don Levine, Creator of G.I. Joe

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Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2014

Don Levine, the Hasbro toy executive credited with doing more to distort America’s concept of war than Bob Crane’s errant penis, is now being outflanked by an army of ants.

Levine’s body was found “four klicks out” in his older sister’s bedroom, his nails painted pink and his torso draped mockingly in a garish, pistachio green gown.

Born in 1928, the 86 year-old recently attributed his longevity to the fact that he never once set foot in a VA Hospital.

Levine first got the idea for the miniature figure while serving in the Korean War after he caught several Chinese soldiers hiding in his helmet.

G.I. Joe hit the shelves in time for the 1964 Christmas shopping season and soon millions of Americans were spending $4 apiece on the fake soldiers. No wait, that’s what they were spending on the real soldiers.

The doll boasted 21 moving parts, including a pair of flexible shoulders John McCain would one day come to envy.

But the Vietnam War raged on and interest in the dolls waned. And sadly, parents soon discovered that when they brought their G.I. Joes home, there were no parades.

As the public shied away from military-related toys, Hasbro countered with the popular “Upper GI Joe,” whose main talent was being able to avoid combat due to digestive problems.

Levine requested his body be laid to rest on a mattress of Kleenex tissues crammed inside an old shoebox.

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Cal Worthington, Circus Performer

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“It’s Cal Worthington and his burial spot!”

Cal Worthington, the legendary Ford dealer who once boasted he’d “eat a bug” if you bought a car, is now getting eaten by bugs after buying the farm.

Born in 1920, Worthington grew up in the stark poverty of the Oklahoma Dust Bowl with no one to confide in but his dog “Sand.”

Things got so bad during the Depression, the young Worthington had to quit school and help support his family by selling babies to hobos.

During World War II, he flew 29 missions over Germany in a 1941 B-17 Flying Fortress. You know, a lot of times Boeing would register and sell a B-17 and for some reason the deal wouldn’t go through and now they’re stuck with a used plane when it’s only got a few miles on it. Look at it check it, here’s a dandy little bomber that’ll sell for about half what it’s worth new. This is where your friends are.

After the war, Worthington built a cult following into the biggest used-car dealership west of the Mississippi with his weird collection of freaky circus animals posing as pets. But to anyone south of the Mason-Dixon line, it was just another Tuesday.

The cause of death has not yet been determined, though experts speculate he may have been suffering from feline AIDS.

His ad campaigns were so popular, the phrase “Go see Cal” became part of the vocabulary of every Southern Californian. And once they read the full lease agreement, so did the phrase “Go see a lawyer.”

By 1979, Worthington was worth hundreds of millions of dollars. It was at this point he decided to divorce his wife Barbara and trade her in for a newer model with bigger headlights.

You can find Cal Worthington’s memorial off the 405 Freeway at 2850 Bellflower Blvd. in Long Beach. All he asks is that you see his grave first. Come on down. It’s just a big ‘ol giant, friendly supermarket of death. He’s got acres and acres and acres of death. Casket’s open till midnight every night. See ya here!

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Robert Ettinger, Cryonics Pioneer

Robert Ettinger

Robert Ettinger, the cryonics pioneer who advocated freezing the dead with the hope that medical technology would someday enable them to pay taxes again, is dead at the age of 92 after attempting to defrost an erection he had back in the ’60s.

Ettinger first came up with the idea for cryonics in World War II during the Battle of the Bulge when he saw a bunch of frozen bodies and thought, “I can make money off of that, sure.”

Ettinger founded his Cryonics Institute back in 1976 during the height of disco, a time when anyone would have been justified freezing half the music industry just to make them shut the fuck up.

For its services, the Cryonics Institute charges customers $28,000. But if you bring your own tin foil, “5 bucks.”

The first person Ettinger deposited at the Institute was his mother, Rhea. This was followed by ten years of Ettinger depositing her Social Security checks.

He also froze the bodies of his two wives, Mae and Elaine. They’re stored next to a sign reading, “WARNING – Do Not Open.”

Ettinger’s last wishes were to someday be brought back to life as a 92 year-old man with a lot of really serious health problems.

Buy “Mourning Remembrance,” the book, here! Cover art by Tony Millionaire! Copiously illustrated by Nathan Smith! Introduction by Marc Maron! Afterword by Rachel Maddow!

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John Galardi, Founder of Der Wienerschnitzel

wienerschnitzel4John Galardi, beloved founder of the hotdog chain Der Wienerschnitzel, is now Der ceased.

Doctors say Galardi died from an incurable form of Der Pancreatic Cancer, but they can’t be sure until after the Krautopsy.

It was way back at the tender age of 23 that the ambitious Galardi looked at the glut of hamburger stands in his neighborhood and decided to carve out a niche with his “trademark wiener.”

In 1961, Galardi opened up his first restaurant with little more than a pocket full of gumption and the maximum percentage of FDA-allowed insect parts and rat snouts.

Over the years, the chain became famous for its advertising mascot, an animated hot dog who runs screaming from anyone asking to know his real ingredients.

Memorable ad campaigns included the slogans, “DER Fun Since ‘61,” “We’re DERlicious,” and the ill-conceived, “Our Bites Are Macht Fried.”

Wiener factoid: Did you know approximately 17 billion hot dogs are eaten in the United States every year? That’s about 75 for every man, woman and tumor.

Galardi requested his remains be ground into a spicy paste, packed into a tubular, transparent casing, and buried deep within his wife’s buns.

Dipping sauce joke.

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David P. Reynolds, Metal Head Headed Metal Company

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Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2013

David Reynolds, the metal manufacturing executive who gave America aluminum foil, has finally wrapped up his life in a lead-lined coffin.

The 96 year-old was found suffocated inside a used Quaker Oats box after his son forgot to poke enough air holes in the foil cover.

Reynolds was cousin to tobacco king R.J. Reynolds, who sold the first aluminum filtered cigarette with the slogan, “Come To Where The Flavor Is. And Then Forget Where You Are Because Now You Have Alzheimer’s.”

An expert salesman, Reynolds liked to arrange public demonstrations to personally show customers how to preserve leftovers with his product, often enlisting the help of his wife to wrap his sausage.

A stern disciplinarian, Reynolds was known to keep employees in line by yelling, “Don’t forget who wears the foil hat at this company!”

Reynolds requested his remains be covered in order to prevent splatters, protect against over-browning, and help keep his body parts moist.

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Huell Howser: He Went Avocado Picking With A Dog!

Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012

Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012

Huell Howser, the iconically jovial star of public television’s, “California’s Gold,” is now ironically under six feet of “California’s Dirt.”

When he first learned he had cancer, the folksy travel guide reportedly shoved a microphone in his doctor’s face and asked how much the MRI machine weighed.

Witnesses who found his body were heard to exclaim, “Oh my gosh!” and “Holy cow!”

Doctors refused to reveal any more details about his death other than to say “he probably won’t be getting amazed by anything anymore.”

Friends say Howser probably could have survived longer had he not taken so much time out from chemotherapy to do a month-long series on lint.

Family members are consoling themselves with the thought that Howser and his microphone are now up in heaven, interviewing – aw who am I foolin’? He’s lost forever in the dark void of nothingness we’re all doomed to inhabit once our bodies succumb to the inevitable ravages of mortality. He went avocado picking with a DOG!

Howser requested a portion of his ashes be dumped into the great system of California aqueducts so his remains can trace the route the water follows through the huge pipes, tunnels, canals and pumping plants, and along the way meet the men and women who are carrying on the proud tradition of bringing water to Southern California. He went avocado picking with a DOG!

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General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, Oil Man

Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012

Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012


H. Norman Schwarzkopf, the general who became famous for restoring pride to Americans by reminding them what it was like to crush a nation armed with shitty weapons and even shittier troops, is dead of heart failure after a chunk of plaque failed to meet a U.N. deadline to leave his left ventricle.

The burly general had been living in Florida for several years in quiet retirement, aside from some embarrassing episodes when tourists mistook him for a manatee and tried to feed him cabbage.

When asked for his reaction, 88 year-old George H.W. Bush tried to pour a bowl of Jello into his bedpan.

Modest, but not known for his intellectual prowess, Schwarzkopf once said, “It doesn’t take a hero to order men into battle,” adding, “because a hero is a sandwich…Right?”

Once, when asked why his troops called him “Stormin’” Norman, he replied, “Because it rhymes with Norman. I dunno, get the fuck outta my face.” He was funny that way.

Schwarzkopf was treated for prostate cancer in 1993 and became a national spokesman for campaigns against the disease. Unfortunately, those campaigns usually involved massive aerial bombardment followed by a brutal, two-pronged commando assault thrusting deep up the patient’s ass.

Schwarzkopf requested his remaining life force be run out of Kuwait, boxed into a kill zone, and systematically incinerated on the Highway of Death – along with a busload of women and children.

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Sam Porcello, Inventor of Oreo Cream Filling

Sam Porcello, chief scientist at Nabisco and the inventor of Oreo cream filling, is now being eaten by millions of diabetic ants.

Porcello’s body was found face down in a vat of milk, his Nutter covered with Butter and Doo all over his Dad. Plus, he had cancer.

No one can confirm the true origin of the word “Oreo,” but many believe it was derived from the sound people make when they find out they need dialysis. “Ohhr-eo!”

Porcello invented many Nabisco snack products, including SnackWells, which are currently in danger of contamination due to Fracking.

At the factory, Porcello was known as “Mr. Oreo.” But at home, he was still known as “Mr. Oreo.” There really wasn’t much to this guy.

In 2011, Nabisco tried selling Oreos to Poland, but it was too hard to ship them with the cream on the outside of the cookie.

Interesting fact: The moon is 238,855 miles away, right? Did you know if you stacked every Oreo ever made, one on top of the other, you’d first have to remove half of them from Elvis Presley’s impacted colon?

The deceased requested the top be carefully twisted off his coffin so that generations of children could gaze in wonder at his cream-filled kidneys.

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Eugene Polley, Inventor of The Wireless TV Remote Control

Eugene Polley, inventor of the wireless television remote control, is no longer in control of anything.

Polley died in Downers Grove, Ill of natural causes, if such a thing was ever possible in Downers Grove.

Small and frail, the elderly Polley alarmed family members late Tuesday night after getting lost in the couch. Medical examiners were quick to note dog-chew marks on Polley’s torso and a sticky film of hummus or something all over his face.

Invented in 1955, Polley’s Flash-Matic remote worked like a flashlight and was shaped like a snub-nosed revolver, something many Americans would later shove in their mouths after watching eight hours of shitty westerns.

Sadly, the 96 year-old died before he had a chance to finish his most important invention: a remote control for his diaper.

Polley’s family expect him to be buried sometime next week. That is, if anybody can get off their fat ass and stop watching TV long enough to do something.

Polley requested four photoelectric cells be implanted in his scrotum so when Jesus returns to earth, the light from his vengeful sword will activate the small electric motor at the base of his penis and change his tombstone to the Dumont network.

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Danny Evins, Founder of the Cracker Barrel Restaurant Chain

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2012

Danny Evins, founder of the Cracker Barrel restaurant, is now offering up his lowest priced meal to hungry travelers, this time in a pine box.

Evins named the Cracker Barrel after the practice of customers in Tennessee who gathered at country stores to gossip and play checkers on top of an empty barrel stuffed with dead civil rights workers.

After going public in 1981, the Cracker Barrel became a stock market darling with a certain investment sector. Unfortunately that sector dealt mainly with lap bands.

Year after year the restaurant won rave reviews in magazines like Nation’s Restaurant News and Destinations. And year after year people would not read magazines like Nation’s Restaurant News and Destinations.

In 1991 Evins ordered all his restaurants to fire employees “whose sexual preferences fail to demonstrate normal heterosexual values.” Ironically, the directive coincided with the introduction of his most popular southern confection to date, the “Lingam Pecan Log,” a fluffy, cherry-laced phallocentric nougat wrapped in fresh caramel and latex.

Evins’ last request was that his brain matter be inserted into old-fashioned glass jars and sold to hungry truck drivers up and down Interstate 40.

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Buy the book! Mourning Remembrance

 

Buy Mourning Remembrance, the book, here! Cover art by Tony Millionaire! Copiously illustrated by Nathan Smith! Introduction by Marc Maron! Afterword by Rachel Maddow!

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Kim Jong-il: Liz Taylor Fan, Billionaire Job-Creator

Korean leader Kim Jong-il, who for 17 agonizing years revealed to the world the true nature behind most foreign film buffs, is now wearing a brown jumpsuit of dirt.

Jong-il reportedly died of a heart attack on a train while traveling between two popular famine areas.

A recent psychological evaluation by researchers at the University of Colorado concluded that Kim Jong-il shared the same personality disorders as Hitler, Stalin, and most talk show hosts.

During his reign, Kim Jong-il ruled over his citizens with a doughy fist, and was often referred to as the “Supreme Leader,” “our Father,” “Generalissimo,” and his favorite, “Fard Farkle.”

As he was groomed for office in the early 1990s, radio broadcasts started referring to him as “Dear Father,” instead of “Dear Leader,” suggesting he was either getting a promotion, or the country just wanted to borrow money for a date.

After taking power in 1994, he continued his father’s brutal policies and devoted much of his country’s scarce resources to building the world’s fifth-largest bouffant.

He leaves behind his three sons, Hwhy Did-hee Tek So-long Tu-di?, Du Tell, and Wut Da-hey!

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Karl Slover, One of the Last Munchkins

Karl Slover, one of the last surviving munchkins from the film The Wizard of Oz, is now a friend of Dorothy’s undertaker.

Slover reportedly succumbed to a heart attack after he tripped on a bottle cap and fell into a cat bowl. The medical examiner listed the elderly Slover “dead at 93 -centimeters.”

When very young, he was diagnosed with pituitary dwarfism, meaning people were always going to ask him to explain Mickey Rooney.

In 1939, Slover was paid about $50 a week to act in The Wizard of Oz, or about “one quarter scale.”

Looking back, Slover always said it was important to live life to its half-fullest.

Never one to look down on an acting role, Slover once said, “There are no small parts, except on my body.”

Slover leaves behind a cigar box containing his bed.

 

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From The Archives: Daniel Ruge, President Reagan’s White House Physician

Mourning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Daniel Ruge, the man chosen to be Ronald Reagan’s White House physician during his first term as president, has died from a ruptured gipper.

Early in his career, Ruge practiced medicine with First Lady Nancy Reagan’s stepfather, who taught him the family secrets of pre-death facial embalming.

After the 1981 assassination attempt on Reagan, Ruge remained at Reagan’s side and nursed him back to health with the president’s favorite vegetable dish: Baked Catsup.

Ruge never stayed for the 2nd term. He was asked to leave in 1984 after he gave the president a battery of diagnostic tests which declared him brain dead.

Dr. Ruge requested his body be dug up every year, examined by doctors, and declared fit enough to serve public office.

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From The Archives: Joseph L. Owades Inventor of Light Beer

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Joseph L. Owades, the biochemist whose recipe for light beer achieved the impossible feat of making crappy beer even crappier, is now more stale than a Herman Cain pick-up line.

Fresh out of college, Owades got his first job researching for Fleischmann’s Yeast. Then he found out Fleischmann was one of his mom’s canasta friends and “Yeast” was another thing entirely.

In the 1950s he created the first “diet” beer by discovering an enzyme that destroys fat starches, and in the process, any reason for wanting to drink beer in the first place.

When Miller Brewing Co. bought his process they marketed the new beer with the familiar “tastes great, less filling” jingle, replacing the less successful “Hey! You gotta chug twice as much of this crap to get a buzz!” jingle.

Over the years Owades wrote over 40 research papers on beer, all of them supporting the same thesis that he’s okay to drive and nobody understands him.

Owades requested his body be brewed into a tasteless yellow liquid and poured directly into the toilet to save time.

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William Irwin Wolff, M.D., Father of Modern Colonoscopy

William Irwin Wolff, M.D., originator of the modern colonoscopy procedure now practiced in well-ventilated clinics around the world, has finally seen the murky light at the end of the long, disgusting tunnel.

After graduating from New York University in 1936, Wolff spent years pioneering the field of colonic investigation. Then he became a doctor.

He was the first to develop a safe method for examining the full length of the colon without having to first unhook it from the family Slip N’ Slide.

As a result, the relatively unknown surgeon “exploded from behind” to become the “Number One” expert on where “Number Twos” come from.

A dedicated intestinal surgeon, Wolff was known for diving headfirst into each procedure, barely stopping even to catch a breath. Friends say there was no impediment that could keep him from getting his hands dirty.

As president of the New York Surgical Society, Wolff published more than 120 scientific papers. All of them double-ply.

Wolff was a gifted speaker, and his colonoscopy lectures would often leave the audience gripping their seats.

Wolff’s procedure inspired several technological advances, the most useful being a wire loop attached to the end of the endoscopic device that doctors now use to remove car keys.

Wollf’s last request was that his sons might continue his legacy taint-free.

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Elwood Perry, Fishing Lure Inventor

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Elwood Perry, who in 1946 invented the Spoonplug fishing lure loved by millions of fishing enthusiasts, is now chum.

The 90 year-old Perry reportedly died while testing his latest invention, the “toaster-oven lure.”

On July 24, 1954 before dozens of witnesses, Perry used his Spoonplug 30 times to land 30 bass, setting a new world record. Not for fishing, but for holding the attention of dozens of people while doing something that boring.

During his career, Perry discovered two profound truths about outdoor sporting:

One: Always drag a lure so it bounces off the bottom.

Two: Never, ever, ask Ned Beaty about that rape scene in “Deliverance.”

Perry requested his body be folded in two, impaled on a hook, and dragged along the bottom of a pond so fish could freely nibble on his jig wobbler.

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Steve Jobs, “Dear Leader”

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Steve Jobs, the computer pioneer who co-founded Apple and inspired people all over the world to think outside the box, is now stuck inside one.

Sources say just moments before his death, the ailing Jobs turned beige and dragged himself into the trash.

The news came as a shock to countless Apple fans, who still insist they’re not going to buy his death until a later version comes out.

Historians rate Jobs on a par with Thomas Edison. Mainly because they both loved to make silent movies of guys with big mustaches sneezing.

A true visionary, he was the first to see the real commercial potential behind the graphical user-interface. Especially when it was manufactured in Chinese sweat shops.

Among his many patents was the “Hockey-puck shaped mouse,” or as Chinese workers call it, “the only thing strong enough to snap my neck after securing the chord to an 8th floor railing so that I may leave this daily torture and finally taste the sweet relief that is death -mouse.”

Jobs recently fought hard for city planners to approve his new company headquarters built in the style of a spaceship. The hope was to attract non-union labor from Pluto who only eat discarded Zunes.

Jobs’ last wish was for Apple Police to search the surrounding neighborhood in order to find out which one of his employees accidentally took home his liver.

This obit was made on a Mac.

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Arch West, Creator of Doritos

Arch West, who 50 years ago took a warehouse full of cornmeal, MSG, and pork excretions, and turned it into the world’s first edible Superfund site, is now covered with an orange, crusty-coating of crispy death.

Doctors say dying was the only natural thing he did his whole life.

A company spokesperson denied West died while testing his latest creation, “Double-Fisted Kettle Cooked Carburetor-Cleaner Flavored Chips With Tangy Asbestos.”

Food historians say you can still find vintage examples of the first Doritos ever manufactured moldering inside Paul Sorvino’s intestinal gas pockets.

A humble man by nature, West often declined to take full credit for Doritos’ inception in 1961, instead giving most of it to NASA’s helpful staff of Nazi chemists.

In 2008, the company launched their “out-of-this-world” advertising campaign, beaming a 30 second ad for Doritos into a planetary system 42 light years away. Their ultimate goal? To dissuade aliens from ever using us as their food source.

The family plans on tossing some Doritos over West’s urn before burying him, but not until they do marketing research on 5,000 other graves.

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From The Archives: Ralph Edwards, TV Pioneer

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Ralph Edwards, the host and creator of “Truth or Consequences” and “This is Your Life,” two of the most popular shows in television history, has just created another hit, called “This is My Death.”

During the 1950’s, his shows were so popular, that a town in New Mexico re-named itself “Truth or Consequences.” Unfortunately the “truth” was that it was too close to a nuclear testing range, and the “consequences” were cancer.

Every installment of “This Is Your Life” started the same way. Edwards would surprise a hapless celebrity with the phrase “This is your life!” whereupon the celebrity would finally get the message his career was over.

Remaining active throughout his 92 years, Edwards also created such well-known shows as, “The People’s Court,” “Name That Tune,” “The People’s Consequences,” “Name That Court,” “The People’s Tune,” and “Truth Court Consequences Tune People’s Name The.”

Edwards requested his remains be surprised by a guy with a camera and microphone and then wheeled into a room full of annoying relatives.

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From The Archives: Ruth Siems, Inventor of Stove Top Stuffing

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Ruth Siems, the home economist who created Stove Top Stuffing and made it the most popular Thanksgiving leftover since vomit and domestic violence, died last week of a heart attack after “experimenting” with a vibrating turkey baster.

Stove Top Stuffing was first marketed by General Foods in March 1972, and proved to be so popular with the public, Nixon put it on his enemies list.

Friends say Siems first came up with the idea for Stove Top Stuffing while trying to figure out a way to make Thanksgiving more painful.

Easily prepared in just five minutes, Stove Top stuffing comes in a wide range of flavors, including “turkey,” “chicken,” “beef,” and “smelly uncle Harold.”

According to the official United States Patent description, Stove Top Stuffing’s secret lay in the crumb size. You see, if the dried bread crumb is too small, adding water to it makes a soggy mass; too large, and the result is gravel. In other words, people pay way too much attention to this kind of shit.

Siems requested her remains be toasted, crushed into eraser-sized lumps, and then rammed up the ass of a Butterball turkey so those cheap bastards at General Foods can finally taste the bitter revenge of a woman screwed out of 30 years of patent royalties.

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From The Archives: Celebrity Dwarf, John Rice

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

John Rice, the self-made Florida millionaire who at 2 feet, 10 inches, was one of the world’s shortest twins, has died after falling off a footstool.

Over the last 25 years, Rice and his equally small brother Greg became millionaires doing infomercials and acting in TV and film –you know, mostly shorts.

As news of Rice’s death spread, flags all around the state were lowered to one-quarter staff.

Rice’s brother asked that John be remembered as the indomitable optimist who always saw every glass as less than half full.

Rice is survived by his brothers, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy and Happy.

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Leo Kahn, Founder of Staples

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Leo Kahn, founder of Staples and a pioneer in big-box retailing, is now a pioneer in pine-box decaying.

Kahn tragically died after a series of strokes. By the time doctors got to him, he was already canary yellow and covered with a unique, low-tack adhesive that allowed his body to be removed without leaving marks or residue –not unlike a pad of 3-inch square Post-it Brand notes. With prices like $2.99 for ten pads of 50 sheets each, it’s not hard to guess why this week is “Memo Mania Week”!

Kahn opened his first store in 1986 and offered every item you’d ever need in an office, from reams of copy paper to rape kits.

He soon discovered the secret to amazingly low prices was to first get products directly from the manufacturer –and then not tell them about it.

Today the chain generates over $27 billion a year, primarily because it gives millions of employees something easy to steal while their souls are being crushed at bank jobs.

Kahn requested his internal organs be cushioned in bubble wrap and grouped in highly visible, strategically located “pods” where customers can bring in their internal organs and refill their precious bodily ink fluids.

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George C. Ballas Sr., Inventor of The Weed Eater

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

George C. Ballas Sr., a Houston developer who invented the Weed Eater, is now being eaten by weeds.

Ballas got the idea for his machine after watching spinning brushes at a local car wash. He wondered if the same principle that lets Americans underpay migrants who wash their cars could also inspire them to underpay migrants who piss off the neighborhood with noise and choking exhaust fumes.

Ballas soon began experimenting by poking holes in a tin can with fishing wire and attaching it to a rotary lawn edger. Seven maimed cats later, the “Pussy Eater” was born. But it wasn’t until someone suggested he use it on weeds that his invention really took off.

Ballas was the grandfather of Dancing With The Stars dancer Mark Ballas. Mark got the idea to become a dancer after watching a weed eater make everyone in his family so filthy rich they’d never again have to worry about getting a real job.

Ballas requested his remains be cremated and his ashes scattered in front of a leaf blower.

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From The Archives: Mike Yurosek, Inventor Of Baby Carrots

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Mike Yurosek, the inventor of those peeled “baby” carrots used around the world by heroin addicts trying to kick the habit, died last week after chomping down on his own niblet.

It was in 1986 when Yurosek first perfected a way to take misshapen and broken carrots that would ordinarily be discarded, and basically make a huge fortune out of trash.

The invention boosted carrot sales by 35%, inspiring Yurosek to further increase profits by miniaturizing wages.

Many less-successful Yurosek innovations followed, including “Baby, Baby Peas,” “Zuchinni-Weenies,” and the puzzling “Mushroom-Shaped Mushrooms.”

Thanks to Yurosek, Americans today are eating a lot more carrots than their parents did. They’re also eating a lot more insect parts and rat droppings, so I guess things have a way of balancing themselves out.

Yurosek was an active volunteer at religious organizations and could often be seen whittling down a knobby, misshapen crucifix into bite-sized pieces.

The deceased requested his body be dismembered, shaped into 2-inch segments, and pumped through pipes into a peeling tank for final polishing.

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From The Archives: Rebecca Webb Carranza, Inventor of the Tortilla Chip

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Rebecca Web Carranza, acknowledged creator of the first tortilla chip, died of a heart attack last month when she accidentally ate a priceless plate of nachos in the shape of the Virgin Mary.

Witnesses say her body was found cracked and soggy, lying face down in a half-eaten bowl of picante sauce surrounded by a bunch of teenage boys too shy to leave the snack table to go mingle with the girls standing by the keg.

Relatives say there’s no truth to the rumor she died after breaking her hip on an unusually heavy chunk of guacamole.

Carranza’s Los Angeles tortilla shop was the favorite of many celebrities. Eddie “Rochester” Anderson, who played Jack Benny’s valet on radio and television, would often buy a bag of her chips and then swallow them whole to create his horribly painful voice.

Carranza requested her remains be stored in an airtight, plastic bag for freshness, until the time comes when she must be covered with cheese under a heat lamp.

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John Barron, Inventor of The ATM

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


John Barron, a Scotsman who over forty years ago invented the automated teller machine, is out of cash.

Witnesses say he died after an irate customer rammed a crowbar into his mouth-slot when he refused to dispense fifty dollars.

News of his death couldn’t be confirmed until four days after he was deposited at the morgue because the bank said they had to put a hold on his corpse.

Barron said he came up with the idea for ATMs after being locked out of his bank. He also said his invention was inspired by candy vending machines. Which begs the question: Which story is it, asshole?

In a recent interview, the 84 year-old Scottish inventor recalled how the original machines were so primitive, they only dispensed haggis.

Here’s an interesting factoid: the world’s highest ATM is located in Tibet at 5,000 meters.

The world’s lowest ATM is located 400 meters below sea level near the Dead Sea.

And the world’s stickiest is in Amsterdam. It is literally packed with semen.

Barron requested his body be dried and molded into a hard protective case containing four trays of twenty-dollar bills. Then placed near any dark area where people may gather to get robbed or kidnapped.

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From The Archives: Susan Atkins, Born Again Christian

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


Susan Atkins, whose fame stems mainly from the fact that she’s not nearly as cute as Squeaky Fromme, is dead

Atkins lived a quiet, middle-class existence during her early years, singing in her church choir and helping out with numerous charity stabbings.

After running away from home, the teenage Atkins was fortunate enough to meet up with our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, who asked her to live with him at Spahn’s Ranch.

It was there that Jesus taught her the finer points of robbery, murder, and pitching songs to music executives.

Atkins bragged that at the crime scene she tasted the blood of Sharon Tate. But what she didn’t know was that Tex Watson secretly replaced the blood of Tate with that of coffee heiress Abigail Folger. And believe you me, she could tell the difference.

Relatives and loved-ones can console themselves with the thought that Susan is now up in heaven giving gonorrhea to Dennis Wilson.

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Frank Neuhauser, Winner Of The First National Spelling Bee

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


Frank Neuhauser, winner of the very first national spelling bee in 1925, is dead. D-E-A-D. Dead.

A family spokesperson said Neuhauser died of Myelodysplastic syndrome, a blood disease so hard to spell many doctors refuse to cure it.

In 1925 the eleven year-old Neuhauser won first prize by correctly spelling the word “gladiolus.” He then promptly returned home to endless schoolyard beatings because he correctly spelled the word “gladiolus.”

First prize included a trip to the White House to meet President Calvin Coolidge, where he quickly learned the word “boring.”

Since then, it’s been a tradition for contest winners to visit the president in office, including George W. Bush, who still insists “LMNOP” is one letter.

Neuhauser also won $500 in gold and a bicycle, which in today’s values would be equal to around $500 in gold and a bicycle.

Neuhauser requested his body be used in a sentence and buried within two minutes and thirty seconds.

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From The Archives: Betty James, Named The Slinky

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


Betty James, the woman responsible for naming the Slinky, is dead after tumbling down a flight of stairs into a heating grate.

Apparently her momentum caused her body to bounce end-over-end from one step to the next -much to the delight of a girl and a boy.

Her husband, a ship engineer, conceived of the toy in 1943 after watching an iud pop out of Tallulah Bankhead while dedicating a minelayer.

Seventeen years later, the quite mad inventor abandoned the family to join a religious cult dedicated to worshiping those little springs you find in push-button pens.

Though it was developed to be a toy, U.S. soldiers in Vietnam liked to use the Slinky as an antenna. Similarly, the Viet Cong used the commercial jingle to torture John McCain.

During her lifetime, hundreds of millions of plastic Slinkys were sold to children around the world. You can now find them floating in the Gulf of Mexico wrapped around millions of pelicans’ necks.

James requested one end of her elongated body be twisted and then suddenly released in order to demonstrate transverse wave motion.

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From The Archives: Ben Hogan, Golf Legend

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


Ben Hogan, considered the greatest golfer in the history of sports, is dead after suffering a massive pulmonary embolism, or the kind of stroke from which no golfer could ever recover.

Hogan first discovered golf during puberty when he hit two good balls after stepping on a rake.

Even after enduring countless jokes like that, Hogan remained dedicated to the sport. And during the succeeding years he often spent the days “noodling” with his “little putter” in order to cut a “hard wood.” For extra hilarity, please re-read that last sentence aloud while emphasizing the words in quotes.

He finally won his first tournament in 1938. But the winnings were slim back in the depression and all he received for his effort was a bowl of soup and a tumbleweed.

Hogan’s life was not without hardship. During his later years, he suffered from elephantiasis and had to carry his bag around in a wheelbarrow.

During his illustrious career, Hogan won 63 tournaments, including nine major championships. But perhaps his greatest accomplishment was making golf the second most tedious sport to watch on TV after bowling.

For those of you not familiar with golf, the object of the game is to propel a small ball around a lawn using as little physical exertion as possible while making foreign policy decisions prolonging the Vietnam War.

Hogan requested his mashie niblet be preserved in a jar of formaldehyde right next to his father’s mummified cleek..

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From The Archives: Lew Anderson Who Played Clarabell the Clown on Howdy Doody

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


It’s Howdy Deady time.

Lew Anderson, whose mischievous antics as the loveable Clarabell made an indelible impression on future clowns like Courtney Love, is now jammin’ up in Heaven with John Wayne Gacy.

Anderson’s popular character, Clarabell, became famous for communicating with others using horn toots and water squirts -two things Anderson started doing again when he turned 80.

Many believe Anderson’s portrayal of Clarabell as a mute was a stroke of comedic genius. Or just the producer’s little way of never having to pay scale.

A distinctive feature of the hit show were the on-stage bleachers of 40 kids called the “Peanut Gallery,” so-named because “Fear-Poop Arcade” just didn’t seem appropriate.

Anderson requested he also be remembered for a lifetime spent working as a respected and accomplished jazz musician. Buuut I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

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Don Fisher, Founder of The Gap

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


Don Fisher, whose company’s slogan, “Fall into the Gap,” became synonymous with the dread most people feel when they realize there’s no other place in town to buy jeans, fell into another gap recently -this one 4 feet wide and 6 feet deep.

Doctors say Fisher died at his home in San Francisco after a long battle with taste.

Fisher opened the first Gap in 1969 with little more than a pocket full of gumption and an insatiable desire to measure the unspeakably scandalous distance between the bottom of a man’s cuff and the tip of his penis.

His stores soon caught on and became as commonplace as McDonald’s. Even so, you still couldn’t get cancer by eating one of Fisher’s pants.

An avid art collector, Mr. Fisher was known for his vast collection of paintings -now housed at the Museum of Modern Art in the “Sickening Pastels Wing.”

Fisher asked that his body be washed in cold water, cremated on low, and immediately removed from the oven to avoid wrinkling.

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Murray Handwerker, Owner of Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Murray Handwerker, who transformed his dad’s local hot dog business into something even worse, a national hot dog business, is now completely out of business.

The 89 year-old reportedly died of heart failure after a particularly arduous night spent deboning his meat.

It was way back in 1916 that Murray’s father, Nathan, started the little Coney Island hot dog stand with nothing more than a pocket full of gumption and an acceptable level of rat hair and insect parts.

The stand soon became an American legend, and like Coney Island’s amusement parks, its name became virtually synonymous with hot dogs and the sound of people screaming in stomach pain.

Nathan’s Famous hot dogs became so popular that President Franklin D. Roosevelt served them to the King and Queen of England on their 1939 visit to America. The story goes that when lunchtime came around the Queen decided she wanted to play a round of Twenty Questions in order to guess what her entrée was going to be, which of course was a delicious Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog.

“Off you go then, Elizabeth,” said His Majesty starting the game.

“Err… Is it hot and delicious?” the Queen asked.

“Yes, Lizzy,” replied the King.

“Oh good,” said the Queen, “Is it bigger than a breadbox?”

“No,” answered the King.

“Oh.” she said, “So it’s NOT a horse’s dick?”

Later in 1945, President Roosevelt had Nathan’s hot dogs sent to the Yalta Conference. Within minutes Roosevelt started a fight over “Who got the Czecho-Coleslaw-Kia,” which ended when Stalin reportedly “slipped Churchill the wiener.”

After World War II ended, Handwerker returned home worn, battle weary, and tired of the relentless dick jokes. Still the ambitious young man knew the time was ripe to expand the business and give every American the chance to taste his hot, juicy durger.

In a recent interview Nathan’s son said that throughout his life the hot dog magnate always ate his frankfurters the same way: “Au naturel.” Which probably explains why he was arrested so many times at Yankee Stadium.

Over the decades Handwerker helped create such iconic ad slogans as, “The World’s Best Frankfurter,” “Nathan’s The Original Famous,” and the memorable, “A Stuck Hot Dog Is Almost Impossible To Dislodge From A Child’s Windpipe.”

Handwerker requested his remains be run through a grinder, mixed with binders and fillers in a vat, forced through tubes into the small intestine of a sheep, and then placed strategically inside Anthony Weiner’s briefs.

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Osama bin-Laden, Billionaire Industrialist, Businessman, Entrepreneur, Religious Icon & Chick Magnet

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Live Audio From Marc Maron’s WTF:

Osama bin-Laden, the shy yet dedicated business major who turned his father’s construction business into a worldwide concern, is dead at the age of 52 after guiding his head and chest areas at a speed of 600 miles an hour into two American bullets.

After his father died, Osama quickly immersed himself in all aspects of the construction industry. But it wasn’t until the mid 1990’s that he branched out into demolition.

The end finally came when Navy Seals found him hiding out between the two old vaudeville towns of Abbot-abad & Costello-abad.

Mr. Laden was officially declared dead on May 2nd, which is kinda strange because his Facebook page is still sending me invites to suicide bombings. What if there’s a conflict with one of Dane Cook’s events?

Speaking of mass murderers, can we finally dig up Ray Kroc and shoot him too?

The White House still insists President Obama refused to release bin-Laden’s death pictures for security reasons, and not because they were lost at the local Foto-Abottabad Mat.

According to the White House web site, there’s absolutely no way you can see bin-Laden’s death photos unless you upgrade to a premium subscription and download their assassination app.

Among the many items found in the compound were details of bin-Laden’s insidious new plot to make it so we “just can’t have nice things anymore.”

Navy Seals also found bin-Laden’s personal journal. Here are a few excerpts:

Dear Compound Diary,

9am: Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant ball of cotton candy, and when I woke up my beard was gone.

10am: Busy day today. Everyone’s running around like contractors with their heads cut off.

11am: I gotta get more exercise. Mustn’t let the guys see me get Fatwa.

2pm: Today wife #3 complained about being cooped up here and demanded I take her someplace she’s never been before. So I showed her the kitchen. Then I cut off her head.

3pm: What’s the deal with socks? How come there’s no “left” sock or “right” sock? There’s just… “socks!”

4pm: At first I had my doubts about this neighborhood, but I think this place is really gonna work out juuuust fine.

The deceased requested his body be buried at sea and washed up on the lagoon so Gilligan can accidentally bring him back to life.

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From the Archives: Raw Footage of the Assassination of Air America Radio’s Morning Sedition Show

Killed Dead December 16, 2005

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Harry Wesley Coover Jr., Inventor of Super Glue

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


After a prolonged illness, Harry Wesley Coover Jr., the inventor of Super Glue, is now Super Dead.

Doctors fought bravely throughout his illness to reduce cranial swelling but no matter how hard they tried, they could never get his cap off.

Before long, they knew he only had a matter of days –mainly because of the pasty look on his face.

Coover’s wife was the first to discover the body. So naturally she became totally unglued.

A spokesman denied rumors he was discovered alone in his bedroom with his “Coover permanently stuck to a large stack of stroke mags.”

In a public tribute to his long career, the inventor was once described as “one of the true legends of the adhesive industry.” Of course this was immediately followed by derisive laughter.

Legend has it Coover invented Super Glue in 1951 after carelessly dropping a used pair of Walter Brennan’s underwear into a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

The original mixture consisted of monomers of Methyl-2-cyanoacrylate molecules with a molecular weight equal to or greater than 111.1. Whew, is it just me or are you gettin’ horny?

Over the years Coover’s Super Glue has repaired millions of everyday items, but sadly it could never mend a broken heart.

At his eulogy, Coover’s children recounted many fond memories of growing up in a happy home where the walls were always covered with patches of human skin.

Friends found the memorial very enjoyable.  And when it came time to bury him, everybody just had to stick around.

Coover requested his remains be placed in a brown paper bag so bored teens can use it for “kicks.”

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From The Archives: Michael Vale, Star of 100 Dunkin’ Donuts Commercials

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

“Time to make the coffin!”

Michael Vale, who for 15 years played Fred the Baker in over 100 Dunkin Donuts commercials, was found dead in his apartment with his eyes glazed, body twisted, and stomach swollen with a rich, tangy lemon filling.

Vale was forced to retire in 1997 when skeptical fans questioned whether someone could actually work that long at a donut shop without getting killed by a crack dealer.

Police officers were such a huge fan of Vale, they used to pull him over on the highway just to get an autograph, and if they were lucky, get a taste of his delicious donut hole.

When he was once asked by Entertainment Weekly if he had ever actually made donuts, Vale reportedly crouched down, strained his face and quipped: “I’m making one now, eraygh!” He was never asked for an interview again.

The deceased requested his body be dunked halfway into a giant vat of Sanka and then dropped from a freeway overpass onto somebody’s windshield as a joke.

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From The Archives: Horace Hagedorn, Fertilizer Giant

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Horace Hagedorn, beloved founder of Miracle-Gro plant food, became his own compost last week when he died at the age of 89.

A source close to the family said Hagedorn passed mysteriously in the middle of the night, surrounded by millions of dead sardines.

Over the years, trust, loyalty and recognition for the Miracle-Gro brand grew to such heights, that in the 1960s, Hagedorn was inspired to come up with the motto, “Miracle-Gro doesn’t have customers, it has fans.” This was quickly followed up with the mottos, “Miracle-Gro is bigger than Jesus” and “I am the lizard king. Who’s gonna come up here and love my ass?”

Through his leadership, Mr. Hagedorn built Miracle-Gro into a giant chemical conglomerate, and also one of the world’s foremost sources of dead birds, deformed testicles, and children born without eyes.

Today, Mr. Hagedorn’s popular blue fertilizer is used by millions of gardeners around the world, in addition to an ever-growing number of Idaho militias and paramilitary groups.

Hagedorn requested his ashes be applied in a two-inch layer beneath a tulip bulb.

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Donald J. Tyson, Chicken Choker

Donald J. Tyson, visionary leader of Tyson Foods and instigator of the worst chicken holocaust since Kevin Smith’s last barbeque, is now on his way to processing.

The man who made eating chicken almost as safe as living under Chernobyl’s concrete containment dome, was found dead in his home, his legs grotesquely pulled apart and looped over his freakishly large breast muscles as if someone had made a cruel wish.

The health department discovered his body buried beneath half a foot of fecal waste which apparently was scheduled to be cleaned out every 18 months.

As a young boy working on his father’s chicken ranch, Tyson knew there was something about poultry that he liked. But it wasn’t until he enrolled at the University of Arkansas that he truly embraced his love for cock.

Tyson later recalled he could never get enough cock. Though he was partial to white cock, Tyson soon grew to crave black cock as well. And the bigger the cock the better, he said.

In 1952, he married Twilla Womochil, which coincidentally is the sound a chicken makes when you crush its skull with a steel-toed boot.

Under his leadership, the company’s revenue increased from $51 million to more than $10 billion. And that’s more money than Jesus ever made with his stable of chickens.

In 2001 the company was charged with using illegal immigrants to work in its chicken processing plants. In his defense, Tyson claimed he was just using them for “nugget filler”.

Biographers note Tyson was often compared to fellow Arkansan Sam Walton, primarily because both were huge assholes.

Tyson requested bored employees stomp, kick, and slam his remains against a wall, but not before hanging him by his feet, cutting off his nose and mockingly playing baseball with his head.

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Milton Levine, Inventor of The Ant Farm

Milton Levine, inventor of the classic Ant Farm that gave millions of children a sneak peak into the underground lives of insects, is now giving millions of ants a sneak peak into his gallbladder.

Levine died after falling asleep underneath a giant magnifying glass he was building for the time when giant mutant ants will most certainly attack us from outer space.

When family members rushed to his side, they were shocked to find Levine’s wallet and Rolex had been stolen by dreaded Crack Ants.

Local entomologists say Levine’s death rattle measured 7.1 on the Schmidt Sting Pain Index.

Levine became fascinated by ants in his childhood, and pledged to someday honor the magnificent creatures’ 22,000 species and 130 million years of earthly existence by trapping them inside a plastic box with a miniature windmill.

His first Ant Farms in the 1950’s featured a green plastic frame with a whimsical farm scene, including a traveling salesman ant that would end up sleeping with the farmer’s daughter ant.

Levine subsequent inventions in the 1960s never quite hit it off as big. Like the Spahn Ant Ranch, where hippie ants would vie for the affection of a mesmerizing bearded ant with connections to Dennis Wilson.

The deceased requested his remains be filled with special semi-transparent gel to provide moisture, nutrition, and egg-laying structures, and then interned in Antietam National Cemetery.

 

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Samuel T. Cohen, Inventor of The Neutron Bomb

Samuel T. Cohen, inventor of the neutron bomb, was found dead in his home after straining for days on what he tragically dubbed “my clam sausage ordnance.”

Paramedics were shocked to find his internal organs had completely disintegrated, leaving the surrounding skin remarkably intact.

Cohen developed his neutron bomb in the 1950s at the request of the government who wanted a way to kill enemy troops without harming buildings housing the world’s precious reserves of Hula Hoops.

His bomb’s main appeal was its lethal output of tiny neutral particles that can pass through buildings without notice. He dubbed these particles “Walter Mondales.”

Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev called Cohen’s invention the ultimate capitalist weapon, built “to kill a man in such a way that his suit will not be stained with blood, in order to appropriate the suit.” He then ruined the moment by banging his shoe on a table.

In 1981 President Ronald Reagan ordered 700 neutron warheads built to oppose the Soviet Union, and even had several of them tested on his brain.

Years later, President George H. W. Bush ordered the massive stockpile disarmed and stored safely inside his wife’s cast iron womb.

Mr. Cohen was married twice. His first marriage ended in divorce in 1952 after his wife caught him in bed with Fat Man and Little Boy.

Cohen requested his body be mistakenly dropped on an Iraqi wedding party and later denied.

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From The Archives: Robert Kearns, Inventor of Intermittent Wipers

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011

Robert W. Kearns, beloved inventor of the intermittent rotating rubber-scraper mechanism responsible for squeegiing rain of the windshields of millions of automobiles, was found dead at his home completely wiped out.

By the time paramedics arrived, Kearns’ aged, cracked, and grit-filled body had already left unsightly streaks all over the house.

During the last few days of Kearns’ debilitating illness, witnesses say the inventor could barely pivot his arms back and forth long enough to wipe himself.

Though he is survived by six children, there is some evidence in earlier years that Kearns liked to swing his blade both ways.

There’s a lot more to this man’s life, but those are about all the cheap jokes I can come up with using the words “blade” “swing” and “wipe.”

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It’s Time To Bury Christmas

The Clutter Family cd Available on iTunes and CDBaby.com

The Clutter Family on Facebook
Help celebrate the War on Christmas with The Clutter Family, the only band specifically designed for dead grandmothers and people trapped in cubicles.
Happy Hellidays!

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Glen Bell, Founder of Taco Bell

Turned Negra Modeado January 16, 2010

Glen Bell, founder of Taco Bell, has dropped his last chalupa.

Apparently his heart, stuffed with a delicious blend of three cheeses, refused to pump another ounce of that zesty red sauce.

Bell opened his first Taco Bell in 1962 using nothing more than some second-hand e coli and absolutely no concept of what real Mexican food tastes like.

In 2007, Taco Bell made headlines after video cameras showed one of their restaurants getting overrun by rats. In its defense, the company said the rats were just trying to get out.

Bell requested his remains be wrapped in a warm tortilla, stuffed with hearty beans, and grilled to perfection.

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From The Archives: Gerry Thomas, Inventor of the TV Dinner

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


Stick a Fork in Him, He Was Done July 18, 2005

Gerry Thomas, the man who perfected the concept of putting dangerous amounts of fat, sodium and MSG into aluminum trays and freezing them so a generation of children could grow up insane in front of the television, died last month after finally tasting a Swanson Hungry Man dinner.

Witnesses say when doctors reached him, Thomas was warm on the outside, but still frozen solid in the middle.

Thomas’s original aluminum TV Dinner tray can now be seen in the Smithsonian Institution next to a diorama of the first domestic beating it caused.

In 1999 Thomas was honored for his invention when he was asked to press his hands and TV tray into the cement outside Grauman’s Chinese Theatre. Paramedics had to be called when Thomas mistook the lukewarm, half-congealed mixture for a pile of Swanson’s Potatoes & Beef Gravy.

The deceased requested his remains be crammed into a metal tray with the foil pealed back, and each organ sealed in a separate compartment to avoid mixing the liver gravy with his brain noodles.

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From The Archives: Anna Nicole Smith, Estate Advisor

Kicker Her Bucket February 8, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith, former Playboy centerfold, actress and retirement complex for 90 year-old penises, died last week at the Seminole Hard Rock Cafe Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida –a place where you’d never really expect such a thing to happen.

Cause of death was not immediately known, but authorities speculate Smith may have stopped breathing after tripping headfirst into her portable mayonnaise fountain.

Paramedics say when they rolled Smith over, they found two day-laborers tragically smothered while trying to enter the country illegally beneath her breast flaps.

After repeatedly failing to restore her heartbeat, doctors declared Smith brain dead at 2:49 p.m., 1983.

The famous blonde was just 39 –hundred pounds.

In the hours before she died, friends say Smith appeared incoherent and wasted. In other words, completely normal.

Police say Smith’s hotel suite was filled with prescription drugs, all of them administered with butter.

The drugs included Xanax, Vicodin , Methadone and a combination of the three she liked to call, “Xanaxo-Dinadone.”

When he learned of the death, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband revealed he might be the father of Smith’s daughter. He also hinted DNA tests might be in order for Mister Haney and Arnold the Pig. Yeah I know it’s the wrong Gabor sister. Get off my back.

Smith requested her remains be buried next to a very rich corpse.

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Ronald Howes, Inventor of the Easy-Bake Oven

Drawing by Grey Alexander


Stuck On The Back Burner Feb 20, 2010

Ronald Howes, inventor of Kenner’s Easy-Bake oven, finally burst an artery last week after waiting three aggravating months for a 30-watt bulb to cook his brownie.

Friends say the toy oven inventor lived a long, productive life before dying at 83… degrees.

Howes first got the idea for his invention in 1963 after realizing that any nation dumb enough to swallow the lone gunman theory would be more than willing to let their children be swindled by a cheap plastic box with a lightbulb in it.

According to his son, one of Howes’ first jobs at Kenner Toys was to remove potentially poisonous chemicals from cans of Play-Doh and inject them into the sad, withered teats of Milky The Marvelous Milking Cow.

Over the years Howes invented many toys, including Kenner’s Easy-Tan, in which kids could create their own tans simply by mixing water with packets of John Boehner’s skin flakes.

Howes also helped perfect the Spirograph. A toy that used a set of precision plastic gears, rings and triangles to geometrically depict the downward spiral of Spiro Agnew’s career.

In 2008 almost 1 million Easy-Bake Ovens had to be recalled for safety reasons. Apparently children were suffering serious cuts and scratches when they tried to force the family cat into the broiler.

Howes requested his body be inserted into the side of the local crematorium, pushed out a slot at the other end, and consumed by a generation of kids vainly seeking to fill the bottomless void of a loveless childhood. Happy Thanksgiving!

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From The Archives: James Griffin, Co-Founder of the Band Bread

Morning Remembrance Portraits by Nathan Smith copyright 2011


Baby I’m-A Dead January 11, 2005

This week the music world received word that James Griffin, founding member of the soft-rock group Bread, is toast.
In a statement released today to hopeful fans, Griffin’s manager said there was no truth to the rumor he’s risen. But I guess that news is pretty stale by now.

Never one to loaf, Griffin helped form Bread in 1968. And after they released the hits “Make It With You” and “Baby I’m-a Want You,” Bread was on a roll. Any way you sliced it, Bread was hot. And Bread made a lot of dough.

Griffin had been in good health until last week when doctors labeled his condition as “crummy”. When loved-ones discovered his body, witnesses say the former lead singer of Bread was crusty and completely riddled with fungus. Nothing could be saved, not even the heels.

Griffin requested his body be interned at the family cemetery, sandwiched between two graves.

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